everyones replaceable

my back hurt last week so i couldn't practice in the goal. one of the other goalies asked me whod take my spot as captain if i left the team because of my back? CRAZY BITCH I'M NOT GOING ANYWHERE!!!!!
ON TOP OF THAAAAT , that loca-shit ex.cheerleader girl that tried waterpolo for like,2 days is rejoining the team. I'm pissed that the coach for letting her back on.
She's only back because she didn't make the fall musical. It's funny that shes back now that we've been practicing for nearly 2 monthes and our first game is next week. Everyone is in shape so suprise for her, she's gonna look so weak. I hope they don't let her play because thats not fair to everyone whos been here the whole time. Gawd i hate people like this. in case your wondering about the target on my back its because im captain, goalie, a dancer,an artist and now im finally loosing weight(my big-@ss opinionated mouth doesn't help either).  I need to get in the zone and just find myself a bubble to block out all the crap.

I made a friend and i found out she is a recovering anorexic. now i have one whos curently into anna one whos (like me struggling with recovery only me with bulimia) and my fb anorexic friend. How many more of us are there???

Ballet starts on the first i can't wait my goal (i know its not realistic) is to work supper hard and be on pointe by next summer.

dance monkey dance!

I won't stop till I'm perfect.

what the hell do i want????????????????????????????????????????????

A trip to target and a dose of honesty

My ex's brother works at Target, which i descovered on my last (awkward) trip there (thankfully not to get pads) so I didn't look forward to this one much.
But i just ended up thinking a lot about us, our relationship, my relationship with my dad, and mia and what a tangled mess it is.



He was perfect
beautiful
kissed me
with full lips
looked at me
with lovestruck eyes
every other sentence I said
was funny
his smile gave me bliss
till
we met
in the garden
down the street
crowded with people
i kissed him
like we where the only two there
until...we weren't
pulled away
with a nasty, naughty smile
not for me
the guy behind me
as if to say "ya i'm get'n some"
that chill
the one i get
with my dad sometimes
when he wispers to me
or rubs my arm
ran down my back
sent shockwaves through my body
it ran through me
so i ran from him
hurt him so he couldn't come back
and send a chill like that
through me again
my honest truth to why I ran.

friends since middle school

shes like a mom
but better
edit out
all the crude, judgmental parts
and your left with a sweet person
who calls you 'little mama"
and cracks a funny face
just to make sure your smiling
perfectly put together
........or not

this is where "mom" turns into the child
a slave to ana
water is her best friend
she holds ana's hand
while i hold her other
mia's
tightly around My other
we did
everything together
they push us closer once again
that and our love of dance

with the same goal weight
and goal of a good college
and a career in dance
why not?
she even wants us to take these shots
normally birth control
but are said to make you loose weight
together
"and if we fall in love along the way then we're ready" she says
with a wink

asking about my boyfriend-once-bestfriend
me
i'm just contemplainting
submerged in my own hypocritical thoughts
I don't want my friend, my play mother, my dance partner
to die
at least without me.

Chills.

he looks at me
he won't say anything
just looks
then he'll be there
next to me
"I love you"
in a quick whisper
his hand on my shoulder
or waist
never anywhere else

thats great dad
but
why don't you tell mommy you love her this way?
Why do you look at me? with those hungry eyes?
it sends a chill down my neck

the chill
is it enough?
to feel unsafe
unsure
unstable
dirty, even?
yes.
is there proof?
do I know for sure
has he touched me bad?
No.
Not yet,
just enough.
enough to run
chills down my back

my shorts dont fit!!!!!!!!!!!! which means im getting fatter.
I told my mom and she told me to exersize more. ???????????????????????
1st they tell me i exersize 2 much an now too little???WTF DO THESE PEOPLE WANT FROM ME!!!!?
I need to loose weight so as my precious anas and mias as my witness these are my rules for myself

no excess sugar
no cheese
no eating anything after dark
nothing fried
no cerial

an hour of exercise is in order at the beggining and end of every day.
40 situps in the morning, 40 at night, 20 push ups

if any rules are broken 100 situps 50 pushups and an extra 30min of exercise


wlg1:130
wlg2:120
wlg3:110
wlg4:100


learn it. live it. love it.

muffin tops are not yummy

I skiped dinner last night and i'm so proud of not going back down for a binge.
my back is killing me though!!!!!!!!!!
i feel like i'm falling apart.
but my muffin top...that fat has to GO. Whatever it takes.

HELLO I AM ALL YOU NEED

I feel strange everytime I take meds. Like I'm some sort of medical experiment or something really is wrong with me. But there's good new, my mom and I are trying to get me checked out for ADD (if i really do have it no one would be suprised really) I've never really been able to consentrate for long and everytime i do its actually quite painful. So I might get meds for that too. I'll just be taking meds for everything now won't I!
There really is some good in this though. I looked up the side effects of some ADD medication and they are mainly WEIGHT LOSS and LOSS OF APPETITE. ISN'T THAT AWESOME!! I COULDN'T BE HAPPIER ABOUT THAT! And if will actually help me focus a bit then thats a bonus as well.