AW POO!

i totally had a new post for you guys buuut it got deleted. life sux.

Rule#1: Show no emotion,no love,no happiness this way everything is always fine

I will never forgive me for driving me and not telling me that first day to the clinic
i don't think i can ever love or look at either my parents the same again.

Straight Girl crush

i like
your hair
the way
you never say anything
is so
strange
alien
just a look
not even a look
i want to be like you
my thinsporation
my little living thinspo
is this
twisted admirations
simply that?
is it something
more
something
unclean
frowned apponn
forbidden fruit?
i must look away
or else
i will
have to give away
another
much like you
yes
but not so
I must look away

I can honestly say that this is one of those moments where I could lob off that dumb doctors head. I want to restrict so friggin bad its not even funny, I've wanted to this weeks and I hate thinking about all the pounds i could have lost meanwhile I still look to damn fat.
I just have to be pacient. Thats all it takes. Swim starts at the end of January and the Warden goes back to work soon(finally!!!).
Of course it isn't only about the weight I just feel so sad theres no other term for it. I don't like being near anyone in my emidiate family, I don't want to eat, I'd very much rather die. Can't they see that they are just prolonging my life till I leave?
I want to die. And I admit it.
Die or leave.
I know I'm just fourteen and I have nowhere to go but I can't wait to get outta here forever. I'm almost possitive I won't come back sometimes.
I hate myself for hating everyone but i can't help it, who do they think they are?!
My mom cannot help me get healthy,shes the reason I'm like this! And shes on the edge of diabedies herself so obviously she's not even helping herself,my dad had a big o'l belly from eating forty million cookies and chocolates and my little sister is all bones and head. I feel bad for hating her sometimes, because she does love me but I don't go anywhere near her. Shes all legs and all bones,perfect skin the only thing thats a bit odd is her poofy hair but with the scene-esque haircut it looks great. 4 more inches and she can officially model its sickening because all she wants to do is play computer games.

long-ass post sorry

Really Inside

I can't
take off
my wings
stained with a glassy seal
that
sparkles
but its heavy
tying them down
chaining me
to my forsaken
earthly grounds
it
shimmers
you look alive
but really
its just another way
to fool you
I'm dying inside
to sparkle
to shimmer
to fly
to die
to die
die
die

As a Result...

As a result of everything:
As a result of the hard time me and the boy have had seeing each other (literally) he's coming over today and he got me a christmas present (which he spoiled for me). Its gonna be akward because my family is home and it may take a lot of will power not to tackle him and end up kissing him like a maniac (because thats just what happens with me,not that he minds sorry for the visual). He and I have declared that we are in 'love' about a billion times within the last 72 hours and he has renamed me "His Everything" and "Beautiful" .

As a result of a return to the clinique my heart isn't up enough for their standards,but I'm allowed to play sports so long as I eat accordingly (something I don't really wanna do).

As a result of this crappy break I'm stuck with my family for two weeks, I don't want to be here.


The part that bugs me the most is the clinic, I don't want to eat more. My breakfast comes out to about 300 calories! Thats more than I'd eat in a day when I restrict!!!!!!!  You know you'd thinkk they'd eventually ask you if you even WANT to 'recover' !!! But I guess thats not important seeing its only your life an not theirs.

Dumb therapist!+ Echo is sexually frusterated+plus the balance game= an interesting outcome in the near future

It's been awhile...But I guess I always say that. My mom has officially placed me in a recovery. I hate my therapist, uuuuuuuggghhh she a supper fat bitch. If your going to talk to people about being healthy and stuff why would you stick an overweight person in a room with a bulimic to try and convince them?????? (no offence if you're overweight) it just seems like a dumb idea in my mind. BUUUUUUUUUT  i've lost five pounds yaya! im at 138 currently and i'm going to try and loose 3 more this week. I have to do it sort of slowly because the therapist is the one that weighs me.

Balancing everything has become difficult, my friends want to know why I can't go out on friday nights (I'm at the cliniqu on fridays duh,but they don't know and wouldn't understand that.) what happened to neat-freak-me and all that other stuff. I'm depressed,what else is there to it?
Me and the boy *Q massive sigh*  It's so hard for me to even see him, I'm not allowed to date till next year and he lives a bit far (ok fat for someone who doesn't have a car,cut us some slack we're like,14). Is it wrong to trust him at that other school? I've known him a pretty long time and he's a NICE GUY. You know the type The nice guy,the one that always lets you borrow money, walks with you at lunch if you have no one else to hang out with, and will totally end up giving you his jacket eventually if your cold? Yep well thats him. He hasn't even really made out with me, that may be a problem. LADIES AND GENTlEMEN  I ADMIT IT! I AM SEXUALLY FRUSTERATED!!!!!!  But is it so WRONG what I'm asking? I don't think so, my only thing with him trying something is him seeing me all gross and fat and so i guess its a little bit good . So i could get myself in the 120's before anything happens.


wel this is a stupidly long post . sorry. love you all!!! mwah! hit me up or email me whenever