epic fail

what is happening to me
why aren't i like i used to be
this fullness
isn't safe
but i can't stop
its a tug-a-war
from two ends
the part that wants to be like everyone else
and the part that wants
strength
beauty
perfection
there is always room for improvement
Dandelion thinks i'm 'obsessed' with working out
if only she knew
which is one of the reasons she doesn't
she doesn't have to worry
much
i purge
but i keep most of my food and i'm eating (eep)
i want to be in control again
hunger
is to much for me to handle on my own
and with each bite the voice is more and more faint
but my body moves me
towards the food
its gross
tomorrow i will start a fast
for strength
liquids only
then water
so people know about this 'eleged' disorder
disorder
as if something is wrong
something IS wrong
society wants me to be fat!
and not feel
they want me to be numb
hunger is pretty
drive is pretty
pretty pretty
everyone looks fat to me
and they are thiner than me
gross
i'm the fattest looking of them all
133
i must weigh again
a pretty girl i know is 150
how is that so?
i don't know
but she is far more beautiful than me
so i'm going to post tomorrows menue so i don't stray from it
: tea w/ laxitives (2-3 caps)
mint gum (3 sticks 30 cal)
bottled water
tea (laxitives op 1-2)