thinking about what is or would be to come

I went to the doctor yesterday and my mom told him about my purging . Shit.
She thinks i don't do that anymore and i don't......as much .
Blah blah blah its gonna kill you blah blah blah no matter what he said it was going to do to me i didn't care . 141 pounds . I'm gaining weight thats a whole 9 lb since summer started and its so flipping noticable. Now i apparently have to have some sort of 'counsoling' . Bull-shit.
J contiues to think everything is all hunky dori XP
someone shoot me .
We' are going back for my dress 2morrow apparently i can make it to the wedding (? ) don't knnow how that happened. I've been keeping up with my pro ana buddy and its nice to have some1 to talk to that understand it . Everything is so hard...but i guess thats life.
Sometimes i still want to shout that i'm not ok . That i hate myself. That i dream of looking and feeling different for myself.
A knows about what i do . I text him when i'm afraid and he makes me laugh n destracts me (he's one of my best friends that had feelings for me in case you didn't know ,that kinda thing happens quite a bit 2 me) . We have a game ;i call it questions . We just ask questions all night till he has to leave or i fall asleep. But he asks about him  a lot , that would be ok but sometimes the little scars on my heart still sting a bit . He refers to ;the one that got away. We're cool but i wonder what he'd say if he knew what i do. That i write on myself words and starve and binge and purge and exercise till the floor is a blur . I wonder if that would change anything if he knew what i meant when i told him i was 'sick' . It doesn't matter because i'm numb . I don't see that i see that other guy (who btw i AM going to talk to!). Ugh therapy ,cousoling is just a nice way of saying therapy therapy is just a nice way of saying you have a problem and saying you have a problem is just like your addmitting your weak or crazy.

I don't have a problem i am fine and one day i will be beautiful.
-E

comments 4 comments

SkinnyGirl:
thank you for relating :) My EDONS (which has btw has not xsactly been diagnosed) is going interesiting. :/
I would love to have a competition!! i'm extremely competitive so yes ! lets see how it goes! thanks for reading xoxo
Princess Perfection : Yea i like the guy (*blushes*) and your probably right about him not knowing since he and i are close and all.  i love all your comments and addvice,truly you guys keep me sane! xoxox

Hilly.M : LoL it had a very large impact despite the spelling error :D  thanks for saying that and yeah,i've been silent around them too but slow baby steps (its shouldn't be hard! I hang out w/ mostly guys!!) . Thanks for believing in me , Love u!! <3 oxoxo

Bigger size thats gotta change. Hi i might love you .Recovery *wink wink*

today we went and tried on dresses for my cosins wedding. I won't be attending,i will be hiking up at girls camp. Still,i tried on dresses. Fore the fun of it . Dress sizes where i shop run smaller than pant , (my size 0-1 sister was an 9ish) . I used to be an 8,sigh. I worn an 11-12. The dresses where gorgeous in their own right but when i saw me in them all i saw , was every bump on my skin. Every piece of hair sticking up,every roll of fat,everything was wrong. Wrong enough that i wanted to give up. The sad part is that for a minute i actually felt well,almost beautiful in some of those dresses.
I wish that i could honestly feel beautiful and worthy and wonderful but i know that i can't.

I talked to J today,for those of you who know she's a friend.She acts like my mother and she had an E.D. but shes 'recovered' and the poster child of 'i had a problem and i conquered it now im healthy' bullshit.
I promised her i'd recover, and since my mom ended work this week i don't have much of a choice . I am constantly monotored. Instead of therapy i do yoga (an agreement between my mother and i) and ive been eating MORE THAN ENOUGH. So i didn't completely have to lie to her'i told her i would 'get better' truth is once i have school year freedom again i will be back to my ways X1000
I want to diet NOW though but i know i have to sell it . I have to eat :/ so my scrip to J 'i have a problem,i'm getting help and i'm willing to recover' i know i shouldn't lie but i have to and it's MY BODY not hers .She can't really talk because she's got a flat flat flat belly and an ass and boobs that would make Barbie proud to shout to the heavens and say Kelly grew up just fine.
Some of you commented on my last post (sigh,blush) yeah i like him and all but...i'm as scared as heck for real. Like ,i don't even know what i'd say 'oh by the way ,i kinda have a massive crush on you do u have feeling for me to?' LAME ! lame lamelamelamelame! GRRRRRR boys are soooo confusing . I kinda just want to get it over with and say something . I'm known for being very direct (like y'all haven't noticed i kinda have a mouth on me) but when it comes to boys i run. Once even literally . And hid. For two weeks because i liked a guy and he liked me back. So obviously i suck when it comes to speaking guy. I mean what the hell are you supposed to say when he holds u smack dab up against him?! or are you supposed to make out? ....... It's official i'm a failure as a girl.

xoxo
-E

A letter i would never send in a million years if the world depended on it

baby how do i say this ? i have feelings for you . Just like u said i would ,even if you were only kidding . Hun i love how you hold me and how your so warm against myself. I am always cold.
I wish everyones assumption about us being 'A Thing' was true, because you make me laugh and you respect me but you don't treat me like i'm made of glass. Baby you can get just as angry as me,even if its hurt not real anger and even though i don't know what to say,i do my best to make everything better. I get angry that someone made you sad.You held me n treated me like a girl even im my baggy,stained sweatshirt and jeans,hair up,face gross,fat as ever. You held me when i cried in my dress,looking my best.
But there is still her and still him. After all we're the same. Chasing the one's that got away.Stuborn as ever. If i believe in love i won't addmit it. I'm not good enough i know that but i like the way you make me feel,i hope you feel the same -echo

Reasons

I will not eat
Bread -because i am allergic
Glutin free bread -because it makes me fat ,it has carbs ,it has more cals than regular bread,i cannot purge it
Ice cream-because it makes me sick and i'm alergic
Cheese-it gives me zits and makes me fat
Chocolate -makes me fat and give zits
I will not eat . I will not i will not i am strong
i don't want to be like this
i have controll
i am strong
It's my body and my choice
I have to live in it
they cannot threaten me
nothing tastes as good as skinny feels

Ok ,i know i'm supposed to be getting dressed and that shouldn't be that hard since i have a closet exploding to the brim with clothes but it is. Getting dressed 4 me isn't JUST about clothes ,every piece makes a statment. That and i'm trying to find something that fits right today and won't make me look fat. It's a hard combo,truly an art . If i ever get to meet the little fat fairy i'm  going to knock him outta his shoes and shank him 1 . I swear. Its sux being fat and having good taste (i'm not trying to be self absorbed). ugh . whatever i'm cooking anyways so i don't have to dress up yet . I'm screwed anyways . My mom ends work soon so she'll be around to monitor my intake,yaya (sarcasim in case u didn't catch that) . So i have to eat plenty today to convince her i'm ok . Whatever.

So i'd just like to say first (even though its pretty lame and everyone does this) that i now have 15 followers !! Clap clap! and i love every one of u . seriously i'm not just saying that ,its cool to know people actually read this (and are even in the same city as me!) so thank you ,you are appreciated more than you know.

I'm thinking a lot . Probably more than I should. I'm trying to remember a time when i didn't care how i looked. Honestly i can't really think of one,i mean i cut a hunk out of my eyebrows in the first grade because i thought they were to big and ugly! So this has probably been going on for a while. It's weird though there was a time when i was fat(er) and happy (?) maybe.
Sigh ,the rents make me eat :/ they do and its gross because i don't want their food. I DON'T i don't want it in me . I just really really don't . I'm getting hungry but that doesn't mean i'm going to eat. NO.
I've eaten way to much today ,really i have. I'm grossing myself out and it's making me crazy!
And yet sometimes i want it all to be over and i want to recover and be normal.
Maybe i should take therapy .
My mom might make me anyways (if she hasn't forgotten about me) .
I just want to loose a bit of weight though .
Just 40 pounds or so that leave me at about 99lb which sounds good .
I look yoga today ,i love yoga it really calms me and relaxes me (and it's a good workout 2).
Sometimes i wonder if i'm not looking for skinny,maybe i'm just looking for someone to love me and understand me and not let me go ,like everyone else has .