thinking about what is or would be to come

I went to the doctor yesterday and my mom told him about my purging . Shit.
She thinks i don't do that anymore and i don't......as much .
Blah blah blah its gonna kill you blah blah blah no matter what he said it was going to do to me i didn't care . 141 pounds . I'm gaining weight thats a whole 9 lb since summer started and its so flipping noticable. Now i apparently have to have some sort of 'counsoling' . Bull-shit.
J contiues to think everything is all hunky dori XP
someone shoot me .
We' are going back for my dress 2morrow apparently i can make it to the wedding (? ) don't knnow how that happened. I've been keeping up with my pro ana buddy and its nice to have some1 to talk to that understand it . Everything is so hard...but i guess thats life.
Sometimes i still want to shout that i'm not ok . That i hate myself. That i dream of looking and feeling different for myself.
A knows about what i do . I text him when i'm afraid and he makes me laugh n destracts me (he's one of my best friends that had feelings for me in case you didn't know ,that kinda thing happens quite a bit 2 me) . We have a game ;i call it questions . We just ask questions all night till he has to leave or i fall asleep. But he asks about him  a lot , that would be ok but sometimes the little scars on my heart still sting a bit . He refers to ;the one that got away. We're cool but i wonder what he'd say if he knew what i do. That i write on myself words and starve and binge and purge and exercise till the floor is a blur . I wonder if that would change anything if he knew what i meant when i told him i was 'sick' . It doesn't matter because i'm numb . I don't see that i see that other guy (who btw i AM going to talk to!). Ugh therapy ,cousoling is just a nice way of saying therapy therapy is just a nice way of saying you have a problem and saying you have a problem is just like your addmitting your weak or crazy.

I don't have a problem i am fine and one day i will be beautiful.
-E