Stories from her fading songs

my family is falling apart. We all had it out the other day,we stayed up practically all night arguing and 'discusing".
When i finally went to bed i felt like shit and just cried. I hate crying,or i did. I've been crying so much that its natural now,along with constantly feeling like shit. Next day i purged for the first time in months. Today i restricted pretty good,not great. Its good if i was a 'normal' person restricting. But i know i have potencial to be so much more. under all this fat is a beautiful,talented,person.
Sometimes i feel like its my fault we're falling apart,the way i avoid being around people,the way i stress my parents out. How they worry about me,and paying for my medical bills and pills. Things would be easier if my mentality were normal. I know i'm back on my way to ana because i'm falling asleep in class again,not a good thing (the sleeping) so i sugar spike (eat a small piece of candy and water). And thats pretty much what i eat along with dinner and picking at a bit of bfast to avoid suspicion.

When i was crying in my bed,my mom came into my room. She sat at the edge of my bed and just patted me and sang old songs she did when i was little. When we were all living in a little house in this hecka ghetto neighborhood,instead of the big one in this white place. As she sang i remembered running around with my sisters and being happy with my parents. I remember playing outside as the summer days cooled and my dad cut fruit off this tree (hecka mexican thing 2 do ik). I remember eating it,and being happy. Blissfully happy with my family,with myself. I remember thinking how i wanted more for everyone in my family,i remember wanting to be a dancer and then realizing i was too fat.I remember giving up. I just kept crying.
Because the only thing i could think was that little white room,with the one window and the bunkbed. The little room that was either too hot or freezing cold, 3 of us on the 2 beds. Me sharing with the little one who slept soundly back then,in matching pj's.
I miss that
i miss THEM
i hope we can be a family again,i miss that. (shit i'm crying again)

p.s. im going to do an experiment ,lollypops and water. The sugar for energy and i take vitamins and drink lots of water,lets see if i loose weight. I'll let u know when i start it.

xoxo
-echo