Sunday, September 28, 2014

The New Normal

I go to school
for 3 hours
its a program
I get to graduate from my old high school
but less stress
and college classes too
at the community college
I'm away from the poison of high school
I dance
Now that my legs and back are better
I can run
and walk in the cold
Last winter I even ice skated.
I teach dance to little girls
I love it
Theres a guy too
but he doesn't know I exist
the girl in my class who's tall and probably a size zero
like chips and soda
she has flawless skin
and I'm like the imperfect dork
I'm taking a break from therapy
my little sister hasn't been on suicide watch
in a year

It's been forever

Whoa I guess it's been like a million years since I've posted anything. Like years. I'm a senior now and I've switched school 3 times.
I've learned that theres very few kind people out there.
The boy who I fell in love with and had a relationship to this day will not speak to me since I ran.
I still had the perfect first kiss in the world (in my opinion).
I've been with a couple different guys. So far nothing great but hey I'm just a kid.
My mom and I still don't get along perfectly. It's gotten better with therapy. I still don't see a lot of my dad and when I do it's weird and uncomfortable, he'll never understand me and I've accepted that. During the last two years my body broke down so much from my eating disorder that it hurt to walk so bad I cried, I had to stop dancing. My heart almost stopped, my stomach could had ended up perminately portruded and swollen (it still swells sometimes), I have been perminately weakened. Forced recovery hyped my anxiety, I'm on medication. It's hard for me to walk into a crowded mall, I panic which may seem a little crazy to you guys but i feel like everyone is always starring at me and all the lights and maniquens and just everything is too much for me. Soooooooooooooooooo yaaaaaaaaaaaaaa OH! Diet! Gluten free, Dairy free and very little meat. I eat mostly vegetables, egg whites, fruit that kind of stuff but I haven't purged in a long time. I'm afraid they'll send me back into treatment. And God knows THAT. WAS. HELL.

Friday, June 28, 2013

hola flacas!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I haven't written anything in quite a while so I'm just going to catch up here mainly because its almost 3AM here in Cali and I have nothing better to do. Someone reported the Ana Mia group I'm apart of on facebook which is seriously annoying. Like how can you deem like-minded women helping each other inappropriate??? Whatever I hardly go on that page anyways, since it seems everyones to scared to post anything. I've been on meds, anti depresants that help (or are SUPPOSED TO) with my insomnia.
They've actually helped me from exploding at people very frequenty and kinda helping me deal with stress. I'm pretty proud of myself for the most part, with the exception of two or three things:

1: I see what an idiot I am for letting the guy I loved go. And feel like a bigger idiot for still having feelings for him.

2: I didn't do well in school this semester even though I nearly killed myself trying. 3 tutoring sessions a week and extra time studying and I only came out with a 2.5 I really am dumb.

3: My clothes doesn't fit properly. I'm too fat so things don't fit right and it drives me crazy.

Good things have happened though. My little sister seems happier (I hope), she hasn't had a suicide attempt in months now and talks to me (nicely) frequently. I got a dog from the pound, he's my little light at the end of this tunnel we call life; always there to make me smile, sweet little angel. i think im finally sleepy so good night guys
skinny dreams

Wednesday, May 22, 2013

Quiet Voices

shes still here
i walk
she is
my shadow
a voice i hear
when I'm alone
I feel her now
Hello Mia
Hello Echo
I hate myself
oh my gosh I'm so fat
I'm so sososososososososo

He won't like you
He thinks your fat and ugly
look at yourself
your stupid

I WANT to be happy!!!!!!

Is it?

Sunday, April 7, 2013

Tuesday, December 18, 2012

1st craving for binge and purge in months..................
god help me

Tuesday, December 11, 2012

swim or dance
swim or dance
 to dance or to swim
 i hate this!!!!!!!!!!!!bah!!!