Thursday, November 24, 2011

peek aboo i c u < 3

he looks at me
holds me against his supper lanky body
and
calls out
my flaws
i look down
ashamed
hating
he kisses my cheek
i SEEEEE YOUU
and your beyond beautiful <3
of course
i have to smile
because for a minute
i believe him
and i
kiss him back <3

A deal with the devil

I haven't been on in a while and I see I've lost some followers, oh well your choice.
My mom took me to an eating disorder clinic (thanks to the stupid gastrointeroligist -_____- )
My heart rate was 'too low' a last week and they told me the same thing about my blood but i felt FINE!
Sooo they dignosed me with bulimia nervosa. I'm officially a mia. Wow thanks doc even i could have told you that. The part thats the scariest isn't the actual doctors because they're actually pretty nice,its the fact that they are so nice and that the waiting room is so pretty, I couldn't help but notice though that everyone i saw there at the clinic was thin. And i'm talking thiiiiiiiiin. So where do i stand?
My mom is too monitor my meals and makes sure i get a CRAZY AMOUNT OF CALORIES (over 2000) and then watch me for 2 hours so i dont purge. I'm lucky though because i'd stopped purging for a little while before this and so my heart rate went up so i'm still allowed to exercise!!! yaya!!!!!!!
They said that if it goes up enough that they'll even help me loose a bit of weight safely and help me learn to maintain it. I'm not sure if this is a lie or anything,it SOUNDS like a like but once i get into that 'healthy zone' you can best believe that imma make it DROP :)
In a way it was a sort of relief, talking about it. I've been crying and screaming myself to sleep every night. Sometimes i couldn't breath and wanted to wash my face but the mirror was right above it and looking would only make it that more painful.
xoxxo

Tuesday, November 15, 2011

darling i love u , but i love the bones more <3 and i don't think that could ever change...

Monday, November 14, 2011

always aim for nothing (empty)
always aim to push past
the exaustion
the pain
the hunger
when your legs are heavy its because your fat
always aim to make everything you do look easy
because thats whats gonna be the hardest .....

Saturday, November 12, 2011

recovery talk(sorry for the rambling)

i never recomend recover to anyone, even though i've leaned into it so many times.Good for you if u have,i just now i would never be happy like that,i was forced to 'recover' without knowing it because i didn't think i had an ED but i guess after a while i self-dignost. I haven't purged in like a week but i've binged like crazy,i'm sure i've gained a million pounds now. I need to loose it. I have to there is no other options. My boy is visiting on the 23 and quite frankly i'm afraid of that. I kinda just want to ask him for some space right now because i feel like such a faliure and fatass( i wouldn't say that though,even though he knows i purge,i know he doesnt understand,his little-boy-brain cannot fathom such things). Maybe it was dumb of me but i know he liked me because my hair was down,i wasn't wearing baggy,dirty clothes and i'd lost a considerable amout of weight and now im scared..... he says he loves me because i was nice to him. Thats also cause hes never had to deal with the bitch MIA brings out of me.
My dad wants me to be perfect too. he made me cry again today.
i need to be THE BEST
otherwise somethings wrong with me. It's like i'm defective otherwise. I'm not eating tomorrow and then i wille at very little monday and tuesday and for the rest of the week. My long term goal is now 99 pounds. Last time i checked i was at 136 (before that a few monthes ago it was 147)  i'm sure its back in the 140's now and i hate that. I need this so bad.....
i almost told my new shrink but i know i can't! i know i NEED TO DO THIS . i belong with all of you i cannot have anything else i would go crazy if they wouldnt let me purge or count or exercise or see my beloved thinspo and keep my Goal book
i just,i want to cry everytime i see that fat girl in the mirror....

Friday, November 11, 2011

ive binged so much in the past week its not even funny
i doubt my dress is even gonna fit no w so i'm fasting till monday because i think thats what it wil take for the damage to be a little undone
then i will begin countiing my calories again and staying away from anything w/ fake surgar or preservatives
I saw a therapist for the first time,she was ok . I don't really wanna go back but to be honest it might be kinda nice having someone that u can talk to. I just KNOW that she's gonna have to report to my mum eventually and when she does i will be intrigated. I didn't say anything that everyone doesn't already know. We'll see......

my sister and her friends were being jacked to me i h8 them so much,and the boy is sick :/
right now things just suck
xxx
gonna try and harvest what little sleep i can

Monday, November 7, 2011

how can i get more up wen i purge , wats the best way to hide food, i hide it ok most of the time but not great i lack control because im a fatass faliure

Saturday, November 5, 2011

didnt think ballet and jazz would suck the hip hop right outta me wtf....

its been forever

This is kinda weird, I haven't blogged in a long time. Or it feels like it. SOOOOOOOO me and the Ex,well lets just say he can no longer go by the Ex ;)
It's kinda cool because we worked things out even though we're long-distance (long distance for a couple of teenagers is a half an hour,don't judge!).
The only bad thing that has happened is I sent a facebook message ment for my ana/mia buddy and it went to him.
He thinks its a 'problem' mainly that i'm suicidal. He's all like 'it's because i care about you' and the purging thing is apparently discusting, i know he thinks it. Whatever its not his buisness anyways so screw it. Other than thaaaat i'm doing pretty well
i've lost ten pounds of fat and i've put on all this beautiful mucele,yes i still purge but whatever. I'm getting better at it. I fit into a dress that i haven't in a long time, only i wasn't even that happy now i want it to be loose because i'm still massive. Everything fits looser. Water polo ended and soccer is starting, i refuse to give up my polo shape! it will take me an eternity to build up that kind of stamana in a pool again and i need to not be one of the slowest girls on the team next season. Cross your fingers for the soccer tryouts 
i missed all of you 
xxxxxx
3cho 


p.s 
List of things The Boy (The ex is no longer called X anymore :P )
calls me
More than beautiful
cute
smart
baby 
princess
unicorn (i was a unicorn for halloween XP) 
His echo 
babe
beautiful