I can honestly say that this is one of those moments where I could lob off that dumb doctors head. I want to restrict so friggin bad its not even funny, I've wanted to this weeks and I hate thinking about all the pounds i could have lost meanwhile I still look to damn fat.
I just have to be pacient. Thats all it takes. Swim starts at the end of January and the Warden goes back to work soon(finally!!!).
Of course it isn't only about the weight I just feel so sad theres no other term for it. I don't like being near anyone in my emidiate family, I don't want to eat, I'd very much rather die. Can't they see that they are just prolonging my life till I leave?
I want to die. And I admit it.
Die or leave.
I know I'm just fourteen and I have nowhere to go but I can't wait to get outta here forever. I'm almost possitive I won't come back sometimes.
I hate myself for hating everyone but i can't help it, who do they think they are?!
My mom cannot help me get healthy,shes the reason I'm like this! And shes on the edge of diabedies herself so obviously she's not even helping herself,my dad had a big o'l belly from eating forty million cookies and chocolates and my little sister is all bones and head. I feel bad for hating her sometimes, because she does love me but I don't go anywhere near her. Shes all legs and all bones,perfect skin the only thing thats a bit odd is her poofy hair but with the scene-esque haircut it looks great. 4 more inches and she can officially model its sickening because all she wants to do is play computer games.

long-ass post sorry

Really Inside

I can't
take off
my wings
stained with a glassy seal
that
sparkles
but its heavy
tying them down
chaining me
to my forsaken
earthly grounds
it
shimmers
you look alive
but really
its just another way
to fool you
I'm dying inside
to sparkle
to shimmer
to fly
to die
to die
die
die

As a Result...

As a result of everything:
As a result of the hard time me and the boy have had seeing each other (literally) he's coming over today and he got me a christmas present (which he spoiled for me). Its gonna be akward because my family is home and it may take a lot of will power not to tackle him and end up kissing him like a maniac (because thats just what happens with me,not that he minds sorry for the visual). He and I have declared that we are in 'love' about a billion times within the last 72 hours and he has renamed me "His Everything" and "Beautiful" .

As a result of a return to the clinique my heart isn't up enough for their standards,but I'm allowed to play sports so long as I eat accordingly (something I don't really wanna do).

As a result of this crappy break I'm stuck with my family for two weeks, I don't want to be here.


The part that bugs me the most is the clinic, I don't want to eat more. My breakfast comes out to about 300 calories! Thats more than I'd eat in a day when I restrict!!!!!!!  You know you'd thinkk they'd eventually ask you if you even WANT to 'recover' !!! But I guess thats not important seeing its only your life an not theirs.

Dumb therapist!+ Echo is sexually frusterated+plus the balance game= an interesting outcome in the near future

It's been awhile...But I guess I always say that. My mom has officially placed me in a recovery. I hate my therapist, uuuuuuuggghhh she a supper fat bitch. If your going to talk to people about being healthy and stuff why would you stick an overweight person in a room with a bulimic to try and convince them?????? (no offence if you're overweight) it just seems like a dumb idea in my mind. BUUUUUUUUUT  i've lost five pounds yaya! im at 138 currently and i'm going to try and loose 3 more this week. I have to do it sort of slowly because the therapist is the one that weighs me.

Balancing everything has become difficult, my friends want to know why I can't go out on friday nights (I'm at the cliniqu on fridays duh,but they don't know and wouldn't understand that.) what happened to neat-freak-me and all that other stuff. I'm depressed,what else is there to it?
Me and the boy *Q massive sigh*  It's so hard for me to even see him, I'm not allowed to date till next year and he lives a bit far (ok fat for someone who doesn't have a car,cut us some slack we're like,14). Is it wrong to trust him at that other school? I've known him a pretty long time and he's a NICE GUY. You know the type The nice guy,the one that always lets you borrow money, walks with you at lunch if you have no one else to hang out with, and will totally end up giving you his jacket eventually if your cold? Yep well thats him. He hasn't even really made out with me, that may be a problem. LADIES AND GENTlEMEN  I ADMIT IT! I AM SEXUALLY FRUSTERATED!!!!!!  But is it so WRONG what I'm asking? I don't think so, my only thing with him trying something is him seeing me all gross and fat and so i guess its a little bit good . So i could get myself in the 120's before anything happens.


wel this is a stupidly long post . sorry. love you all!!! mwah! hit me up or email me whenever

A heart rate of 52

please
let me go
don't let it torture me so
I could be a happy child
Next to my father
above
just let your angle
go home
with a heart rate of 52
i was on my way
i feel
i felt
fine
just fine
if i had slept
quietly
and never woken
what would they think
Finding me there?
a little girl
made of cold stone
my guess
is realize
that they could never make me happy
but i guess
We'll never know
till next time....

safe his break,mine (heart)

if he saw me everyday
he would
hate me
think im ugly
but he doesn't
ever
even when i am super ugly.
he doesn't see me
even once a week
its like
 once
a month
thats not healthy for a relationship
even for a girl whos not supposed to be in a relationship
its no good
i should just dump him
so he can move on
and find someone whos there everyday
and not to talk on the phone with
or text 24/7
sigh
this is what happens when your 14 and you know your in 'love'.
opinions from my oldr anas& mias would be greatly appreciated

fat fish in a tiny bowl

its like
being that fish
the fat ugly fish
the one everyone has
as a little kid
in the
too-tiny-but-will-make-do
bowl
that fat fish
swimming in usless circles
i am that fish
and all day
people look
my family watches
everytime
im not asleep
im scrutinized
but then, nothing is safe
up
down
by the way
i still hate
myself
that will NEVER go away
so just give up
stop wasting your time
because we all know
that fish will die
no matter how much you feed it.

so far i have lost 4 pounds, i get weighed again tomorrow @ the clinique my goal is to drop another 10 cross your skinny little fingers for me you lovlies!

recovery doesn't do shit

they hav me eating 'normal' and im just about ready to explode. I want to die. there's no other way to put it. Things that used to fit a onth ago don't anymore. and i just want to find some way to dissapear but they've taken that too....