ive lost quite a bit of weight from the summer and i have a lot more muscele now 2 . Everything is firmer.
Bit i still look and i still hate everything.
I can't NOT eat for a day,for fear of passing out in the pool,and i don't want to be the slowest,i don't want to loose muscel and water weight,that weight doesn't matter. I want to loose FAT. and i will.
My mile gets faster every time,soon i'll be back to my 7:50 and then i'll b running 2-4 miles for fun again.
My saw Vv today (ex bff) now she's the one with a big muffin top. I still have one but hers is worse (and at least i know how to dress mine) all i can say to that is karma's a B*T!H  .

I'm still looking and i don't see anything pretty yet. It's better but its still absolutly gross. The Warden said she'd pay for ballet school!!! i'm super excited ,this is what i've always wanted,i want to be a dancer even though starting at 14 is really l8 i think i could do it. And ballet teachers stress weight maitnance so  that makes me happy.
I feel like high school is a wast for me,pro atheletes don't NEED school,i should be sent to a dance school and be training for waterpolo and soccer but no. Biology and Algebra are apparently more important than my choice career. Everyone can go to hell.
Nobody knows a thing about being an or mia ,a lot of girls talk and i get defensive,they're so stupid and dumb.

binging

im so ashamed at what ive done
i will not eat
i am fat
fat fafatfatfatfat fatfatfat
i am ugly
uglyugluyuglu
im so ashamed

another reason 2 b

ok! be like that then!!!
i want to be skinny so you'll want me like i wanted u so badly
and so i can push u away
because i don't want you
because i know what a shit head u are
you'll want me when i'm beautiful
everyone wants the beautiful ones
and then i can pick
whoever i want
and then pretty words will run through everyones head
after all Beauty is Power
SEXY
HOT
BEAUTIFUL
sKINNY
fINE
Perfect

is my goal
when i'm done
even though i know i will never be done

HOW CAN I AVOID EATING DINNER

some tips would be gr8 . thanx

a yank by the wrist ,a yank back into reality

all jewlerey must come off!
In horror as my team mates yank my pro ana braclete off my wrist
it has never come off
its been there for months
its simple
a piece of red string
nothing special
except to me
am i sacrificing ana for this sport?
as long as i loose weight i'll be ok
i'm gaining muscle
i'm (almost) eating normal
i feel discusting
Ana is yanking me back into reality
smashing my face against the glass
so i can see
the emotional
fat
FAT
FATTI
i'm becoming
no
thats not allowed
the cold
quiet
almost perfect
skinnier girl
must come back
ana's bracelet is gone
but my dirty secrete
my addiction
lives on

grraah!!! whats wrong with me!??!!? i can't stop thinking about him!!!!
i hate this! i need to FOCUSE !!!!

MY EATING' NORMAL ' IS BECOMING TO MUCH . I'M LOOSING CONTROL .
EMOTIONS ARE FOR THE WEAK
FOOD IS FOR THE FAT
LOVE IS FOR THE NIEVE
I DON'T NEED TO BE FAT
I'M NOT CHOOSING THAT PATH AGAIN
I WILL BE THIN AND BEAUTIFUL



i just want to be that girl ,walking down the street in jeans and a t-shirt that everyone stares at.

i realized no one knows a lot about me so leave a comment and ask a question about anything,my personal life,my ednos anything
xoxo

one door closing,another door opening

SO i was talking to my dear MettleHead and hes a sweetheart. Sometimes i forget how sweet he is to me. I was talking to him all night after one of my games and i was also talking to Tri at the same time. She was tellign me about a guy and then i started teasing her that i don't know him and i should meet him. And she kept telling me that i was 'weird' and not to be 'weird' in front of him. REALLY?!?!?!! Shes stranger than me! and then she goes on like i'm going to ruin everything -_- SHEs one of the reasons i never got alone time with the Ex. Long story short i'm just in shock that she's turning into ONE OF THEM. Whatever. I guess i'm to WEIRD for her.
SO i was talking to MH (i'm just gonna call him the boy,ok cause my mettlehead is just tht .) 
and i was crying over my fight with Tri and he was nice to me. Ya ok we flirt a lot. He calls me baby and sweetie and it LOOKs like its something but it not.... at least not yet.
I asked him what'd he'd think if i still had feelings for him and he said that 'nothing would change.'
and that he likes me too. 



(:


i very much like that. and i liked that he's stopped poking me and grabbing me hard and he's started just holding me kinda soft and putting his face really close to mine. I feel small next to him. Small and cold. Because he's sorta big (like built not fat,i can't even look at fat guys like that) and he's always warm and likes that i'm WEIRD. He doesn't like that i hate myself though. He calls me gorgeous. Theres always room for improvment. He never complained that i stopped dressing really baggy and dirty like a guy and starting doing my hair nicer. My point is proven. I just sorta wish he'd make a move... should i make a move? all i know is that i need to loose another ten pounds,i've been loosing and i've been eating. I'm very proud. But i DO purge. >:D

i just want to be pretty

i told my mom the massive dinner i had and she was proud of me. sHE would have been prouder if she knew i didn't purge it :/
i have to eat regularly , its the only way to keep the swelling down and loose again. NOTE:THIS IS NOT RECOVERY. This is doing what i have to do,and that is all. I need to keep up with my swim team and i need to stay awake and i need the jump start for my metabolism and the bloating to stop,and i need the pike for my inhancing workouts
i should loose 15 lb by febuary at the latest if not more
i'm taking baby steps,to somewhere
I watched a video on the first black woman starting dancer for the american ballet company and shes tarted when she was 14. I m not black but now i know that my dream is possible and that makes me happy

thoughts of one with daymares

i hold the food up to my mouth and my throat gets tight and i think 'fat .fat. FAT!'
sometimes i make myself swallow it
is this normal?
is the bloating from my weird eating habits ?
i don't know if i'm normal
I'm not skinny
im bloated
unless i stick to liquids and lolipops
is this normal?
but im not skinny!
i have muscel
but not enough
am i ok?
for thinking
how will i burn this?
can i purge this?
for exersizing
even in the shower
for wanting to be the best
for wanting the mucele
the thin
the flexibility
to do anything
i look and think
am i ok? beause i'm not even thin yet.

poke her face not her stomach!

Dum little MettleHeadl likes to show off and put his arms around me in front of everyone,he also tries to takes MY LOLIPOPs. Anyone one who knows me knows that that and touching my face are no no's. We're not together or anything,i'm actually super pissed because he's such a downer. Just because he can't sort out his shit he doesn't want anyone else to,darling the world will move on. #1 pet peeve was he POKES MY FAT STOMACH. Which apparently he just had to do in front of his supper cool (i think so) new friend (that has sweet music taste and is supper chill). Who eventually poked me ALSO in the stomach! Know on a normal day i can deal,because i'm a big girl. But on five hours of sleep and running on almost empty because u can feel urself gettign fat again i was PISSED.
So i acted like a jerk off in front of this super cool new guy. Nice Echo. Real nice.

Intake is good today,i'm very proud . My gross lovehandle thingys are dissapearing
i want to drop 2-4 sizes by febuary
thats how i measure ,because weight is desiving (and i don't have a scale)

i hate it when i'm right

intake
toblorone
lolipop 60 cal
toast 280
salad 10(?) (iceberg letuse ,lemon juice,salt)

I hate it when I know I'm right about something bad. My doggie has cancer,his days are numbered and I don't think I can take it. I want to just put him down because whats the point of him suffering? He's on pain meds and he won't eat or drink (hIs RibS and bones are showing,hes dying and one of my first thoughts was that it isn't fair that he's skinny! Im cruel) very much. And he seem down. Its really my sister dog so she's keeping him around even though we found out for sure only today. I don't want him to suffer,times like this i hate that i'm right.

let me be hopeful,let me have faith,let me try and be happy

NOW u admit u liked me!?!?
great we could have been together when i thought u were brilliant
now ur just pissing me off
but not because of that
because u don't believe
in healing
in people
in being  better
i've gotten better
i'm not the
girl in the baggy,dirty sweatshirt
the night time binge monster
plotting her suicide
wait
for her uncle to come
come for her
wait for someone
to love me
one thing hasn't changed
Something controls me
my eating
I feel horrid for everything i ate tonight
but whats wrong with saying
it's ok
i'll be
better tomorrow
our friend is better
and HE is happy
don't
be mad
and jealous
like i know u secretly are
that he's healed himself
and my cuts and wounds are stitched
because they're still tender
but we're both almost happy
and your not
let us be hopeful
if i fall i fall
and i won't complain if u ever get to say
that u were right

a baby medusa

i see my face

trapped behind the glass

and pray 

that the glass will lock her in 

i run
the door
is wide open
the monster on display
the innocent
turn to stone
she's not a mother snake
amongst pray
shes starring
eyes wide
trapped behind the scarred,bloody face
the ratty hair
my legs run at an even,steady pace
down a hall
the walls are dark
the face glows
theres only so much i can take
my hands
fumble for the lock
i need to trap
this horrid beast
bloody nails
a part of her
she wants to be released
even though she's ugly
a reach
to touch her cheek
a cool hand strokes me
in shock
its too late
my monsters
been released
for all to see
as ugly as a face can be

Game plan for a great year

first water polo tournoment . its hard and i'm slower than everyone practically,they're all stronger too and skinnier. My goal when i was at my lowest weight was just to be fast ,the fastest. I loved the feeling of my feet flying on a track and having effortless breathing,the endorfines rushing to my head and fingertips. :)
I think that should continue to be my goal in this new sport, to be fast and strong. I'm loosing weight but then again i restricted excelently last week. When i flex my stomach i can see the 6 pack lines,now time to get rid of the fat covering them!!!!!!!!!!!!
So my new plan :
go to practice everyday
go to ymca and practice swimming for an hr
and then weights
in free time : run ,jump rope
and then i still need to go to yoga , i need it to mellow out.
Last summer me and my rents had a deal ,i went to yoga and they wouldn't look for therapy or a self esteme class or something for me. Easy deal. Work out instead of therapy.
My dad and sister went. I didn't get a "good job" or "u were great" or "that was awesome!" after the game.
i never do. Instead i got "that looks hard,u need to be in really good shape to keep up with those girls."
Gee thanks. I'm used to this though. My mom is worse. Good was never good enough. Even at age 8 dancing, "smile more,shoulders echo!, FULL OUT"

SO THE NEW GOALS ARE:
The designated workout plan above
no progcrastinating (this mean i won't be writing often)
get left and right spits by the end of the year
get double piroette by end of the year
get faster at swimming!!!!!
make mile time 8min instead of 9
six pack!!!!!!!
great grades


I tried on my old pants,the leg part fits and its loose around the butt(!!) my bras don't fit either,everythigns falling off me and my thighs are tight and tan. My stomache.... :/ (need i say more?)  I'm determined to be optimistic though, i can do this,i have to do this. I want the weight off for my birthday party in february. I still freak over food,i think if my diet is fairly clean i will be ok,salad is ok. I will eat salad.

forever nothing

it'd be so much easier to die
so i wouldn't have to fake anything ever again
but i don't want to be one more girl that died
in the paper
on the news
'so young'
'so full of hope'
'a waste'
more like a relief
from everything
but i can't
i cant be
just one more girl
that stabs herself
one more that goes missing
that overdoses
because that leaves me as a forever nothing
nothing
but rotting in the ground
to be forgotten
by everyone

on my way to thin

you now your doing well when the shorts that havent fit in over 8 monthes vip up
now time to fit int the dress

whatever u call it

i really have no choice anymore
i couldn't eat till i got home today and i still hid some ,spit some and purged most of it
and then i did squats and high legs and i had a water polo scrimmage and dance class today (to give u an idea of what i burned) .
i couldn't find anything ok to eat
i couldn't find anything low enough in calories
something that i could keep down
and i can't control it
i'm not anorexic
i don't make the qualifications
i used too (make them ana athletica)
i have never been officially dignosed
i am not thin enough
my hands twitched all of today
my leg bounced
the food came up
but im still bloated
from the purging

all i know for sure is
'ana'
ana
the little voice
my companion
my self control
is here to stay
call me trigger happy,its better than fat and depressed (ive been watching lotsa thinspo ,n ana documentaries they help)
all i know though
is that i want to loose weight

My uncle ;events of tonight and the past 4 years

how come
u never
came for me
wrote to me
called me
i thought you wanted me
abandoned me
betray me

i spat
at your name
the image
of everything
they said you did
but i longed
for you to take me away
from my fallen paridise
take your favorite with you
your favorite
i only found out what you did
a year ago
they kept it
trying to keep me a child
innocent
and unaffected
oblivious to my pain
for 3 years
now its been four
and i still cry

and ive finally texted you
3 monthes ago
to descover
you
didn't mean to
abandon me
leave me
hurt me
that you
still love me
wish me well
and miss me
still
why would't you take me away

you have no claim
of blood too me
sure
is it because i remind you of her
too much
is that why you couldn't look at me
but you would love me more
than your own baby (if you had one)
they tell me
and now
as i'm talking to you
through our scyber line
texting
the words
so rationally irrational
in black and white
i'm
angry
happy
sad
betray
curious
distant

and think to myself
this is what happens
when you make a mistake
that you can't take back
this is what happens
when your so far from perfect

and we plan to see eachother soon
for the first time
in over 4 years

GirlWithMyName

Edex has a new girl . I honestly wouldn't care if she didn't have my name -___-
hes such a retard.
AND i'm prettier than her (and i dnt thnk im prettier than hardly anyone). My face is for sure prettier. Of course she never went phyco on him either......
Its not that i'm into him it's that i h8 what ana did to me, she made me push him away. I guess it was for the best though,ana always knows best but i wonder what would happen if i went:'hey! remember how you always asked me why i didn't eat at lunch?well its because i didn't and i didn't eat breakfast either and i worked off dinner too! i have freaking ana and mia tendancies and no one ever noticed!

that would sure go over well-__-
its ok because my mom always taught me to share my old toys with the less fortunate when i'm done with them. I hope this girl with my name enjoys the taste of my lemonade lip gloss.

this is so trigger-licious for me i love it ,
i can always win i can be tinny and prettier and perfect
just because no one thinks i can

Lolipops,finding ground

responces
skinnygirl -yes i also wear a lot of black!!!! <3

///////////////////
  My net should be around 200-300
i had 2 lolipops (60 cal each)
1 peanut butter cup (2 avoid suspicion)
greek yogurt 140
a few sips of coconut water ,some eggpant and a couple pretzels (i pick at food so cals are unknown)
my net SHOULD be around there. I think i'm doing better already the lolipops seem to keep me full for the most part and energized (i just have to drink lots of water so i don't break out) . I'm officially addicted to water polo !!!! its AWESOME and i should be burning like crazy next week because we have a tournement but i don't want to jinx it. Especially since i'm going to a slumber party (!!). It sounds lame but i've never been to a real slumber party before. I don't know why i just never have.
Hung out with some guys i know today,its much easier than the girls,they try to hard. Me,i try to remember i don't give a shit about what they think, its so pathetic when they go around trying to be all rebellious and talk about weed and being wasted and shit. All i can say to any of them is Sweetie pull up that top NO one!wants to see that. Girls can be dumb,just like everyone else.

xoxo  i promise to catch up on all your blogs l8r

-Echo

hello my fabulous followers :)
today i got the lolli pops so that starts ASAP
water polo is going ok ,my tum feels smaller but i don't feel any faster or stronger :(

intake:
cup of orange juice
bag of glutin free pretzles
and dinner

work out :
walking EVERYWHERE
dance class
water polo practice
shaking my leg all day

ive got so much work 2 do so i'll catch u all up soon, not looking forward to tomorrow though. We scrimage with the boys (boys in speedos should be illigal ) .

I miss my old friends,everything is changing.I keep being acussed of my 'style' changing. Now that i think about it i guess my style IS change.
I smile and i play around on the outside but on the inside i'm just like this girl from my english class,silent   and deep in thought. I'm in my own world,i just wish i could stay there.

xoxo
please comment! for real fab people keep me sane !!!!
-echo