thinking about what is or would be to come

I went to the doctor yesterday and my mom told him about my purging . Shit.
She thinks i don't do that anymore and i don't......as much .
Blah blah blah its gonna kill you blah blah blah no matter what he said it was going to do to me i didn't care . 141 pounds . I'm gaining weight thats a whole 9 lb since summer started and its so flipping noticable. Now i apparently have to have some sort of 'counsoling' . Bull-shit.
J contiues to think everything is all hunky dori XP
someone shoot me .
We' are going back for my dress 2morrow apparently i can make it to the wedding (? ) don't knnow how that happened. I've been keeping up with my pro ana buddy and its nice to have some1 to talk to that understand it . Everything is so hard...but i guess thats life.
Sometimes i still want to shout that i'm not ok . That i hate myself. That i dream of looking and feeling different for myself.
A knows about what i do . I text him when i'm afraid and he makes me laugh n destracts me (he's one of my best friends that had feelings for me in case you didn't know ,that kinda thing happens quite a bit 2 me) . We have a game ;i call it questions . We just ask questions all night till he has to leave or i fall asleep. But he asks about him  a lot , that would be ok but sometimes the little scars on my heart still sting a bit . He refers to ;the one that got away. We're cool but i wonder what he'd say if he knew what i do. That i write on myself words and starve and binge and purge and exercise till the floor is a blur . I wonder if that would change anything if he knew what i meant when i told him i was 'sick' . It doesn't matter because i'm numb . I don't see that i see that other guy (who btw i AM going to talk to!). Ugh therapy ,cousoling is just a nice way of saying therapy therapy is just a nice way of saying you have a problem and saying you have a problem is just like your addmitting your weak or crazy.

I don't have a problem i am fine and one day i will be beautiful.
-E

comments 4 comments

SkinnyGirl:
thank you for relating :) My EDONS (which has btw has not xsactly been diagnosed) is going interesiting. :/
I would love to have a competition!! i'm extremely competitive so yes ! lets see how it goes! thanks for reading xoxo
Princess Perfection : Yea i like the guy (*blushes*) and your probably right about him not knowing since he and i are close and all.  i love all your comments and addvice,truly you guys keep me sane! xoxox

Hilly.M : LoL it had a very large impact despite the spelling error :D  thanks for saying that and yeah,i've been silent around them too but slow baby steps (its shouldn't be hard! I hang out w/ mostly guys!!) . Thanks for believing in me , Love u!! <3 oxoxo

Bigger size thats gotta change. Hi i might love you .Recovery *wink wink*

today we went and tried on dresses for my cosins wedding. I won't be attending,i will be hiking up at girls camp. Still,i tried on dresses. Fore the fun of it . Dress sizes where i shop run smaller than pant , (my size 0-1 sister was an 9ish) . I used to be an 8,sigh. I worn an 11-12. The dresses where gorgeous in their own right but when i saw me in them all i saw , was every bump on my skin. Every piece of hair sticking up,every roll of fat,everything was wrong. Wrong enough that i wanted to give up. The sad part is that for a minute i actually felt well,almost beautiful in some of those dresses.
I wish that i could honestly feel beautiful and worthy and wonderful but i know that i can't.

I talked to J today,for those of you who know she's a friend.She acts like my mother and she had an E.D. but shes 'recovered' and the poster child of 'i had a problem and i conquered it now im healthy' bullshit.
I promised her i'd recover, and since my mom ended work this week i don't have much of a choice . I am constantly monotored. Instead of therapy i do yoga (an agreement between my mother and i) and ive been eating MORE THAN ENOUGH. So i didn't completely have to lie to her'i told her i would 'get better' truth is once i have school year freedom again i will be back to my ways X1000
I want to diet NOW though but i know i have to sell it . I have to eat :/ so my scrip to J 'i have a problem,i'm getting help and i'm willing to recover' i know i shouldn't lie but i have to and it's MY BODY not hers .She can't really talk because she's got a flat flat flat belly and an ass and boobs that would make Barbie proud to shout to the heavens and say Kelly grew up just fine.
Some of you commented on my last post (sigh,blush) yeah i like him and all but...i'm as scared as heck for real. Like ,i don't even know what i'd say 'oh by the way ,i kinda have a massive crush on you do u have feeling for me to?' LAME ! lame lamelamelamelame! GRRRRRR boys are soooo confusing . I kinda just want to get it over with and say something . I'm known for being very direct (like y'all haven't noticed i kinda have a mouth on me) but when it comes to boys i run. Once even literally . And hid. For two weeks because i liked a guy and he liked me back. So obviously i suck when it comes to speaking guy. I mean what the hell are you supposed to say when he holds u smack dab up against him?! or are you supposed to make out? ....... It's official i'm a failure as a girl.

xoxo
-E

A letter i would never send in a million years if the world depended on it

baby how do i say this ? i have feelings for you . Just like u said i would ,even if you were only kidding . Hun i love how you hold me and how your so warm against myself. I am always cold.
I wish everyones assumption about us being 'A Thing' was true, because you make me laugh and you respect me but you don't treat me like i'm made of glass. Baby you can get just as angry as me,even if its hurt not real anger and even though i don't know what to say,i do my best to make everything better. I get angry that someone made you sad.You held me n treated me like a girl even im my baggy,stained sweatshirt and jeans,hair up,face gross,fat as ever. You held me when i cried in my dress,looking my best.
But there is still her and still him. After all we're the same. Chasing the one's that got away.Stuborn as ever. If i believe in love i won't addmit it. I'm not good enough i know that but i like the way you make me feel,i hope you feel the same -echo

Reasons

I will not eat
Bread -because i am allergic
Glutin free bread -because it makes me fat ,it has carbs ,it has more cals than regular bread,i cannot purge it
Ice cream-because it makes me sick and i'm alergic
Cheese-it gives me zits and makes me fat
Chocolate -makes me fat and give zits
I will not eat . I will not i will not i am strong
i don't want to be like this
i have controll
i am strong
It's my body and my choice
I have to live in it
they cannot threaten me
nothing tastes as good as skinny feels

Ok ,i know i'm supposed to be getting dressed and that shouldn't be that hard since i have a closet exploding to the brim with clothes but it is. Getting dressed 4 me isn't JUST about clothes ,every piece makes a statment. That and i'm trying to find something that fits right today and won't make me look fat. It's a hard combo,truly an art . If i ever get to meet the little fat fairy i'm  going to knock him outta his shoes and shank him 1 . I swear. Its sux being fat and having good taste (i'm not trying to be self absorbed). ugh . whatever i'm cooking anyways so i don't have to dress up yet . I'm screwed anyways . My mom ends work soon so she'll be around to monitor my intake,yaya (sarcasim in case u didn't catch that) . So i have to eat plenty today to convince her i'm ok . Whatever.

So i'd just like to say first (even though its pretty lame and everyone does this) that i now have 15 followers !! Clap clap! and i love every one of u . seriously i'm not just saying that ,its cool to know people actually read this (and are even in the same city as me!) so thank you ,you are appreciated more than you know.

I'm thinking a lot . Probably more than I should. I'm trying to remember a time when i didn't care how i looked. Honestly i can't really think of one,i mean i cut a hunk out of my eyebrows in the first grade because i thought they were to big and ugly! So this has probably been going on for a while. It's weird though there was a time when i was fat(er) and happy (?) maybe.
Sigh ,the rents make me eat :/ they do and its gross because i don't want their food. I DON'T i don't want it in me . I just really really don't . I'm getting hungry but that doesn't mean i'm going to eat. NO.
I've eaten way to much today ,really i have. I'm grossing myself out and it's making me crazy!
And yet sometimes i want it all to be over and i want to recover and be normal.
Maybe i should take therapy .
My mom might make me anyways (if she hasn't forgotten about me) .
I just want to loose a bit of weight though .
Just 40 pounds or so that leave me at about 99lb which sounds good .
I look yoga today ,i love yoga it really calms me and relaxes me (and it's a good workout 2).
Sometimes i wonder if i'm not looking for skinny,maybe i'm just looking for someone to love me and understand me and not let me go ,like everyone else has .

Just another girl

I'm just another girl
dying to be thin
dying to whisper
that something isn't alright
dying
and isn't afraid
I'm just another girl
I question beauty
And yet i want it
Oh god i want it
But in the end i'm just another girl
waiting,wanting dreaming

Same old story

i want to be small, so small that you'll have to hold on tight so i won't slip through you're fingers
i want to be thin ,so thin that you'll worry i'll float away .
She is screaming again .
Its  terrifying ,she won't leave the house. What kind of 11 year old wouldn't want to go to the pool on a hot day?
She's throwing a fit like she's a five year old....shit.

Cabrona
all she does is YELL
i heard the lap , she's chewing my older sister out.

she can fight her own battles!

no!!! i have to here u yell at her! when you scream like this

it scares the SHIT OUTTA ME!


of course she leaves

i cry

and my older sister hugs me

strangly enough i let myself cry

and she turns my cries into laughter

just like ,every time

they'll be an exchange of appologies in ten minutes


i'm sorry ;
i know that....
you where right...
blah blah blah

sure your forgiven

but its never forgotten

and i never look at you the same

Wardens Bullshit &midnight tears

Why do i even bother ? My mom hates me . Well thats exagerating a bit she thinks she loves me but she never has taken the time to KNOW ME. She only sees the parts she wants and anything she doesn't like she tries to edit out . She hates theater ,she hates my music she hates dancing as a career she pretty much hates everything that makes me feel happy. She only likes the facts that i wear what she want most of the time that i can do almost anything (decently) ,wow i pretty much try to please her. She says she likes my art but in the end she ends up being all "Oh thats really nice Ech,but this is how I  would do it if I where you "
Bullshit. Too ask a 14 year old what they're going to do with their life ..thats to much!!!!!!!! i don't even know what i want!
She's so afraid of everything and she wants me to be afraid to ,i think she hates me sometimes because i'm not afraid and i want to be out in the world,i'm not afraid to mess up all the time,i'm learning its ok to fall and get back up . Bullshit ,she doesn't care . She won't even listen

i GAINED six pounds . What is wrong with me ?!
My mom got me a refill of  my meds and after i took them i was HU-GRY like ravinous . And i felt sick ,and strange . I think her and the Dr.have been slipping me hunger meds . Sneeky leachy Dr.
well i refuse to take them now. I will be fine i just have to stay strong . i think i can do it i just need to be strong and work hard . Current weight 139 goal (for now) 125,120 end of the summer goal 110 wish me luck , i start a new diet monday as i will be fasting tommorow xoxox on my way 2 wings

Rants & midday ramblings

Why is life so confusing!!!!!
i hate it ugh!!! i wish i could shut my brain off , i've been eating like a 'normal' person. I DON'T WANT TO BE LIKE THEM!!!!!!!AHHHHHHHHHH
its scaring me .
You know whats sad ? i look at people thinner than me and i still think that they're fat!
This is driving me crazy i want to give up on everything . But something says i don't
No most of me does. Grrrrrrrrrr
I really am hating myself .
THings i hate: my fat arms
my fat thighes
my FAT stomach
the gross back fat that recovery gave me
How big my butt is getting
how i just AM!
its so sickening
i also feel like i'm under house arrest
I wish i could go to bording school ,that would be great,truly .
I truly hate everything and see no point of going on .
I want to die ,i've said it out loud in front of J and another friend ,the 2nd friend just sort of stared at me funny. I didn't give a fuck then or now . Screw this ,mmhm my stomache hurts :/

One jacked up fairy-tale with no ending

Once  upon a time there was a girl,who was fat and had no friends serving a sentance which had come to an end and she would start new in a different school. During the 1st year she made best friends 3 girls and she began to shrink,and shrink and meet people. The second year many people new her and her friends she was still shrinking and very happy,they were the "it's". They had everything and anything they wanted they were the princesses.But her closest friend was convinced that the girl needed more,she needed love and when she heard that the girl was falling for a friend of hers she went to work. The boy happened to like her too and so the friend made sure that the two girls 'ran into' him often till they were together. And everyone was happy and thought they where perfect,as the girl continued to shrink she gave him her heart,he was perfect so much more perfect than her 'shrink,shrink,shrink' continued the voices till she vomited. One day so much that she was sick for two days and in those two days gained 20lb . She was depressed but she still had him and her friends,she left the house as little as possible. When summer hit the boy asked again and again 2 meet w/ her but she always told him an excuse,truly she was terrified of her appearance till he wouldn't wait anymore. She was alone.
Spring  came again and she began searching for herself after acting like something else for so long. She was still apart of the 'It's' but it didn't feel right. She could not live in a shadow of her friend so moved on alone and spent less and less time around 'IT's".
Weighing less than when she was sick (but still fat), having new and keeping some old friends,and remaining friends with the boy that stole and shattered her heart only a year ago she looks on for herself and her journey to shrink into bones continues.
But she is no longer a princess
she is me.

Disappointing

grrrr i am SOO disapointed in myself today!!!! i was doing so well 2!!!! i binged :( grrrrrr
but i keep teling myself that it wasn't that bad since i burned off 500 cals @ the gym (the machiens there count how many cals u burn,how sweet is that!?) . So tomorrow i will have a pickle some hot sause and water maybe an egg white or something but not much. I don't really want to eat i want to be thhiinnn so bad! i'd love to go back to school in the fall and suprise everyone when they see that i'm all bone,i think that would be wonderful being beautiful. Not to mention it'd be nice 2 show myself that i can do it!
I will do it. My heart beats and my hands tremble around food , this is a warning DON'T EAT IT!!!
Grrr so little cals tomorrow and i will try and burn  2000 , and then fast sunday .yes that should help some . Thanx for the love xoxo stay fab everyone !!!

On Our way to beautiful

I am not broken
I am special
Apart of something that you will never understand
You don't think i can do it?
I'll show you 
Do i care what you say?
Do i want to know the 'risks'?
No
I'm done ignoring her
I'm done not heading the warnings
Facing her one fear
our fear
Just to please you
When you don't think
I can reach my goal
I will eat
what i want
when i want
as much
or as little 
Because i am not broken
And i will be beautiful and whole

Gonna-be-boney Bear in hibernation

So i've slept through most of the day after my gym orientation (clap clap now i can use something other than the pool!!) . I feel weird ,i've been sleeping a lot and the only really weak part of me is my hands (?) strange much ,yes.
New discovery! Water+pickle =hunger no more . Yaya for pickles!!! :P
So i felt like such a faliure because my quota of 500 calories was used up by 11 am (darn u family) . But since i'm sick i will get away with not eating much(yaya!!) . I almost binged today ,thanks 4 the support i was able to stop myself :) and eat a packet of taco bell hot sause (that too holds off hunger!!) . Ugh i'm ready to go back into hibernation till its time to leave 4 yoga that is,if my sister will even let me since i don't feel to good. I mean so what?! i'll take a niquile or some pill or whatever after igo work out!?
I'm trying out for water polo in the fall (i have never played water polo in my LIFE) so i need to be in tip top shape wish me luck ! xoxo stay gorgeous !

They're still watching me supper close , especially since i got a gym membership :/
I was forced to eat. I took an aqua arobics class and a yoga class 2day and i still hav dance later so i'll be ok i think .
Intake:
5 cherry tomatoes
1 small piece of fish(still looked massive 2 me)
2 eggs
3 slices of pumpkin bead
1/2 of almond milk
laxitives
and i sorta purged a bit :/ i just sort of came up on its own so i'm not sure if it counts . My plan is to eat less and less till i'm not eating anything at all. What a beautiful day that will be ....
Heading towards bones 1 step at a time xoxox 2 u all

Binge,Blushes and Workouts

grr! no!!! i totally binged!!!
i ate sooooo much its not even funny! ok i'm fasting . I don't care what anyone says to me i'm so fat and if i eat im GOING TO EAT EVERYTHING!
damage report :
2slices of buttered glutine free toast
cerial w/ almond milk
an omlet (eggs mushrooms tomatoes)
chocolate almond milk
greek yogurt
2 granola bars
aaaaahhhhh this isn't fair!!!!! why do i have 2 be the fat 1!?...i don't have to be if i stop this gross madness . SIgh .
In other news i was IMing a friend (insert blush here) ,yea :) OMAGOSH!!!! look at me! what is WRONG with me!? shit . this isn't fair,ok long story short he was flirting and i was flirting and ok it was just one big o'l flirt fest. I'm so upset with the binge that i can't think about anything else. Well i'm working out in a bit so that should help some of the damage . Anyone want to fast with me?

What The Warden Wants

all i can say is sheeeee's baaaaaaaack (ana)


so my mom (a.k.a the warden) said no dating even at 16!
now you're going to change the rules on me?
this is just another way to keep your power because one of your three is leaving the nest
in a year
this is your way of keeping me from the world
from saving me from hurt
well guess what?
the only thing thats hurting me is THIS
your 'child' wants to be fucking emancipated
THIS is the only thing really hurting me
don't leave the house without telling someone
your only allowed to walk around the street
no screamo music while the Warden is present
no hanging out with boys that are just friends alone (hello that is 3/4.5 of my friends!!!)
you will do art
this is how i would do your art if i was you
the warden says .
great so what i do to mellow out isn't mine anymore either!?
no taking drama class
its a waste of time
its the only thing that kept me SANE
fine.
whatever.
if you don't want me to live then why do i even bother?
you shouldn't care if i want to starve myself
i will because you don't want me to live my life anyways
so i have nothing to loose really
all you want is a perfect little barbie with ;
perfect grades
a cute group of friends
a cute little art hobby
preppy/hipster music on my ipod
who;
looks all right
perfect skin
perfect body
who win all her soccer games
swim meets
does
all her dance routines perfectly
every time
makes every call back
well i'm not her
so let me starve
this is how i say 4get u n your dumb fear of this fuking world
my one form of rebellion in my sad,sheltered,jacked up life

coments 2 every1!!!

Gianni: Yes when i say "Her" i'm talking not specifically about ana but the little voice, she's the one that puts me down, the little whispering that tells me everything i must do i do not meet the exsact specifications  for Ana (EDONS yes maybe even bulimia) but it is much easier to call her that .And when i say 'IT' (in many of my earlier posts) i'm talking about the sickness all of this caused,i literally cannot eat without blowing up like a fish and looking pregnate (dumb dr.'s gave pills & lacsitives 4 that but thts prob TMI lol) I love all your comments and support you're fabulous  <3

Jammydodger: SISTER!!omfm (o my fluffy monkeys!) my relationship with food is quite similar (my current bad binge habits :/) love the comments and your new blog ,all i can say there is keep it up :) you'll meet your weight goal (probably before i do!)

brittney: o dear my love what can i say? you are more or less my age so you probably feel my pain with the parents (they just don't get it!) . I love you honesty about your fears and how you understand that telling people that aren't like us is a very hard thing to do (i bet you've gotten the ' well you need to stop because this isn't healthy for you/the media is evil/being healthy is oober more important than being beautiful' speech just as much as i have) . Yes it's a shame about the cute guy,i'll keep all of you posed on what happens there . Good luck with everything that you do i love to read your blog ,truly <3
comment on this and i will coment on you if i have not already much love ,thanks for the suport -Echo

Love triangle

i miss you
that is so ridiculous
its been 2 weeks
since school ended
i like
how when you hold me
i feel small
but safe
safe
and you feel strong
like you'll never let go
pressing your cheek against mine
and whisper 'mine'
hold my cool hand
in your warm one
i like how
you sit with me
when you could sit
with your friends
and listen to screamo
i like
how you respect
the EDONS part of me
and don't mention it
because you understand
what its like to have loose ends
i love
how we both want to get outta here
Your sight
is still chained to her
she regrets you
you love her
could you like me
since you saw me look my best?
and held me when i cried?
since we both play hard to get
and you call me out ?
theres always her
you love her
i love her
i like you
so i don't mind
i like what we have
for now .

When She SPeakS

WOW

what? i had dinner

o PLEASE don't even bother

what?

trying to justify it,look no one is home

I don't need to ,normal people do it all the time * worried* yea so?

so BURN off those cals!!! your going to get fat!

Your right

Well get up and do it!...thata girl :) Your going to get closer

:) Really ?

yes ,and remember it doesn't matter if your tired just stay in motion any calorie burned is one less on you 

ok 

This is my discussion with Her  after dinner yesterday . I didn't p/b though :) i am so proud of me lol . I did have a lot of cals though so i'll put the new gyp pass to work and only have  fruit and a granola bar 

good day lovelies! stay strong & beautiful!

End of this nightmare i call binging

So i'm working getting over binging and depression. I started watching pretty little liars which helped, i mean i used to watch the Clique constantly for insperation. I mean appearance meant next to everything to me before. What happened?
So i gave myself a mani pedi ,got a gym pass and started wearing clothes that fit right (i used to dress baggy). And the results: i feel..good . Besides the fact that getting over binging is hard for me, i talked to a different friend and she's worried but she's also really tough (kinda like me i guess,we come off that way) so its inspiring. It's also really nice to know i'm not alone,i love all of your comments and blogs they are so fabulous and so are their authors :)
Sigh , i just have to remember, baby steps .
Yesterday i had to turn down a totally nice guy, he's so sweet and nice but i just don't see it and i don't want a relationship so why wast the poor guy's time? Besides he won't even be going to my high school so no point really,but still i feel SO BAD . He called me pretty (he said my face &eyes were and i was worth look'n at) no he called me BEAUTIFUL and AMAZING . I am not either of those,he doesn't know that no matter who tells me that,no matter what anyone does i will never believe them. He'd even ask my 'why do u think i'm joking?' Um hello I'm bloody mental!!! what am i supposed to say to that anyways? o thanks for saying that but i will never believe you because of my 'disordered' mind and 'eating disorder' . yeeeaaa no. There are two guys who know about this , one is my best friend and the other is (also my best friend) a guy i have a (kinda) crush on but he cuts so he gets it . I'm doing better today i even helped cook dinner (GASP!) my hand trembled but its a start and i'm proud of myself. Now to actually eat some ,wish me luck all you dragonflies -echo
had ice cream (ben & jerrys yikes ! but im on the time of the month) so fasting tomorrow luv u all!

HELP

ok im asking 4 ur ladies help and advice
i really honestly don't feel like i'm strong enough to do this anymore. I love ana i do, but i can't do it sometimes and i want to because when i don't later on i freak out (JUST FREAK!!!!) . so how's a good way to hide food ?
and just not think about it in general? because the idea of staying fat and gaining more weight scares the crap outta me .
O i hate this ,i just hate it last year my weight went DOWN so FAST and then i got sick (only the lord noes with wat) and it shot back up and i'm still on pills 4 my jacked up organs.
so technically my body likes it when i don't eat.
I'm scared ana and ED are finally leaving me 2...

Copy cat can't fear & ups

so i thought id try the skinny girl diet (those of u who r doing it ur blog name has skipped my mind and flew out the window please forgive me) but i can't. i CAN'T.why can't i ? because if i try to eat then i will eat everything so i must eat nothing . It is as simple as that. I ate like a 'normal' person again today,when for a run/walk with my doggie (love the booger <3 ) . I am terrified of food . Whats worse is that my little sister actually looks up to me in the beauty and fitness department. Ouch . I don't want her to end up like me,truly my sisters are not what i want for an ED buddy . She's gorgeous no joke . 5'4-ish size 1-2 (depending on the place) long thick hair,big eyes,perfect skin . And she thinks she's ugly. I don't want her to copy me or try to be like me because no one should want to be like me . I'm kinda looking forward to therapy. If my mom even gives enough of a damn to still care and get me the help . Go flip'n figure. Just like her to be all' woopT doo see how much i care , look how i'm harrasing you about everything and suffercating your life just so everyone thinks i give a damn?' yea well J cares . I think she does . I don't have to worry about anyone else as long as i know why i'm facing my fear. But i remember something, when fear strikes change what your doing. What am i doing ...eating. change it .
Omagosh on the up i was IMing an.... old friend (: he and i haven't talked for a while so it was nice to know that we're becoming friends again only down is that he's moving this summer :( and not going to the same high school as me double :(( . his best friend is though (he's a sweet<3 i like talking to him ) . o how he makes me laugh maybe somethiing will happen maybe i'll be brave enough to make something happen we'll see pray for my spinning head and broken heart dragonflies much love
-Echo Cruz

her hopeless addiction

i hate the way
her eyes glaze over
when she sees tv
i hate tv for that
i don't care if people think i'm weird
i hate what it has done to her
she thinks these computer games
will satisfy
her craving
for life
adventure
love (?)
all i know
is that it will be worse
when summer ends
when school starts
she might be home schooled
she is a brat
all she worships is the computer
for
netflix
y8
webkinz
toontown
and who knows
her addiction
i cannot stand
i hate it
sometimes
i hate HER
but i know i wouldn't hate it
if i didn't love her
i love her
my little sister
the one who was once my other half
what happened?
i don't know
one day we just split
its like having two loose fitting puzzle pieces
sometimes they come togther
but eventually
they fall out
leaving a whole

thoughts of one with daymares

worthless
to much
food today
neg cals
2 balance it out
it doesn't matter what anyone says
because I KNOW
 I KNOW WHAT I AM
sizes don't lie
worthless
i want to die
bones
bones
something i have never seen
completely on me
it takes strength to do what we do
does it take more strength to conquer the fear ?
my fear of food and fat?
There was a point when i was terrified of butter
the other day
i stared at my plate of nachos for 3 whole minutes
a friend who knows
just stared at me
i want to stop
i want to live
if i eat , i will eat everything so i must not eat at all
that is how it works
when i eat its to much
but who is to say that i eat to little?
who is to say what we are is wrong
when they are jealous of those who achieve their goals
the world doesn't want anyone to suceseed
is my mind simply masochistic ?
believe in the beauty of your dreams
a friend once said
my dreams
my nightmares
day dreams
does this mean you can get daymares?
i'm afraid of therapy
i'm scared
i'm terrified
:'(

Caught But not stopped

My mom knows that i have trouble now. She caught me watching an ana documentary on Youtube last night (dumb move I know) . The only thing is she wasn't mad ..... seriously. If anything she was sad. Keep in mind that I've been eating and i doubt i've lost any weight . I've been keeping my promise 2 J and have been doing what scares me the most (eating) . My mom stopped eating when she was in the 6th grade . She STOPED . Well i can't say that i'm not suprised i suspected it (kinda like she said she suspected me) . She's always been stronger than me . Is it sick to be jealous that she could stop ?
I feel wasted (i've never technically been wasted keep in mind) . I had a BIG chocolate bar last night and another one this morning (470 cals each yikes!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)  and then a migraine because of all the rain and driving and stuff. So soda ,3 egg roll , 4 pices of brocolie,1 banana ,1/2 of greek yogurt,the chocolate bar , whip cream (from my cousins graduation cake), a bit of beans and masa and a bit of orange juice. Absolute failure . My mom said she's going to get me help . I'm terrified. I know everything I do will be watched my workouts , my intakes everything. She knows J has been o so supportive of me and 'recovery'(which is true). Apart of me wants to be better and like everyone else but another part knows that i can be so much more prettier,and a better athlete and just better . I'm so afraid . Tomorrow i will fast . I don't care if i have to hide food or my work outs this fast is  strictly spiritual. In truth i miss god . I do

puninishment

i went out without asking . So naturally i feel like the chocolate pudding my mom offered me was a punishment. The sight of food is beginning to scare me again .off 2 the spa


the spa was gr8 nothing like my old facialist though . I'm proud 2 report i ate like a normal person 2day (better than binge!) but deep inside i still know normal isn't good enough .

Giving up b/p

I am going to try and give up binge and purging . Its become a bad habit (an addiction really) but lately it been more binge and less purge (not good!!) so i have to give it up . I'm going to make my mom a list of foods that 'i'm comfortable eating because of my stomache problems" (i do have problems w/ it and i don't know exsactly what it is but i know ana & mia might have something 2 do w/ it now, no way i'm telling her though she'd send me 2 rehab 4 sure) . So i'm going to record my progress of dieting and giving up b/p here everyday

let me know what you think of the foods i'm going 2 letting her buy me :

instant miso soup

tough fu (i'm pescitarian but i'm thinking about going vegan)

tomatoes

apples

corn (other fruits and veggies)

greek yogurt

gluten free energy bars

eggs

soup! (lotsa soup!)

tea(x12)

oat meal

gatorade

my goal is to stay in the 500-300 calorie range this summer and do 1-2 hour work outs everyday .

XOXOX 2 all u dragonflies out there stay strong 

its been a year

its been a year
i don't hate you
quite the opposite
so if u here me yell
fuck you
its because i love you
fuck you for making me love you
so
so
much
i want to tell you
that i know
i know
what it is
that possessed me
the one who makes holding a fork
feel like a gun
that wouldn't let me meet you
because of the bloating
and depression
i'm pushing her away
as i try to real you in
but she's still slapping me
she is all i have
left
the only one on my side
'no more binge'
yes
'stop the binge and work ur way 2 "normal" and i will be there again at the end'
and i will love you
because he didn't
fuck you
because i love you
fuck you
damn you to hell
because she is all i have now