Whoever said 'best friends could be you're worst enemy' understated

i can't stand it i'm stuck waiting till monday to confront her. My ex best friend ,the one that i got fed up with and stopped talking to in febuary. Needless to say she hates me for sure now as in die hard. Yesterday wasn't the first time she talked smack about me behind my back but this time she hit a nerve. She called me a talentless fat ass (thats to sumarize it ,she's a rambler) . The last part was the one that hit me, because aparently she went on to say that everytime she saw me eat at my house i ate hecka . She never saw me throw it up. She wasn't there when i texted her but i was working out at the same time. SHE DOESN'T KNOW. J went on to tell her these things but i'm not sure it got through X's head. It just sort of broke me because I don't think I have a problem like the friends that know what i do. She's back.
When i got home i friended this guy who's friends with Him . The dude didn't remember me! Oh so typical . He's got pretty sick music taste (a die hard Fall Out Boy fan) so that totally got us talking,then he got all weird he was all just like 'wow your hot,your hot,how did you get so hot?' which was extremly random because we'd been talking about my 2 ex people whom i cared about the most for that he had no clue that about any of this happening. Only low and behold he HAD to go on to talk about it with the BOTH of them,PUBLICLY on face book BEFORE i get a chance to have a face to face conversation with HER . Now i'm just freaking out (understatment!!!) and its   killing me . I don't like trama,i hate it when people talk smack and have to pick sides with two people. Only now i'm one of those people.

Ana & Mia

they call them ana and mia
is this my companion ?
are they the ones
incouraging me
are they the whispers
fattie
fatass
u will never be THAT GIRL
the one you see
the one you want to be
i whisper their names
do they answer?
a red braclete to make me feel something
blue or purple to return something to the world
black for pain
red
red
red
a color that seems to have a repeated apearance in my life
red
i look down at it
and think
you are not alone
you are not crazy
you lost six lb you are 133.8
still fat but you will be closer to beautiful soon
your oh so far from your old 119
but you will be home soon
red
am i crazy?
as they all think
i do not name myself ana
or mia
i am a person
lables are for sealed bags of food
i have yet to meet someone with red on their left wrist
ana are you my companion ?

u know i should just give up, i'm no good at dancing anyways. Sure i like it ok but i'm not like any of them . I was the youngest person at the audition today, it was crap. I looked like a bloody freak'n chiwauwa shaking in a skirt. I don't even mind that i messed up the audition it's that i had to tell my dad about it. I hate that. I just can't stand it. If there's something that really makes me feel like a failure it's having to tell my parents that i messed up. They think i'm perfect,so i guess  i prove them wrong by not being perfect. It always looks like i killed them. I'm just a really crappy dancer. i should just forget it and finally give up, on everything.

discussion between 3 loud girls and 2 quite guys.

I totally hate it that girls want what they can't have . Now since i AM a girl i am no exeption. i usually want what i can't have. I was having this exact conversation with some friends and its usually over boys. Then it moved on to how come boys don't talk a lot. See us girls want to start a conversation and boys just sort of sit (or stand) there and don't do anything at all. Its nerve racking!!!! and then it's like nice guys aren't often very cute,i mean if want a guy who WAS nice and is totally hot but ended up a jerk then your pretty much screwed double. I usually get what i want. But not everything.

Winning Me

i compete
with three other girls
under one roof
who can dress the best
who helps the most
who is in the best shape
who is winning
it doesn't fit her
they tell me
it will fit you
insults,its like calling me fat
i need to be the best or i have no respect
people look at you differently when you look different
they coo
and buy you pretty things
like a doll,
my parents doll,my grandmas doll,my family's doll
that they keep in a box
and like to dress in pretty things
until she is not so pretty
XL
XL
XXL
insults
lies
she is not ME !
XXL is NOT ME!!!
why don't they look at me
and see
what you see in her
that girl
across the room
why is she so special?
how can i get what she has?
except i don't want what she has i want better
i want to be the best
i have to win
or no one will see me
but no one will support me
i will win
eventually,without them.

Winning Me

i compete
with three other girls
under one roof
who can dress the best
who helps the most
who is in the best shape
who is winning
it doesn't fit her
they tell me
it will fit you
insults,its like calling me fat
i need to be the best or i have no respect
people look at you differently when you look different
they coo
and buy you pretty things
like a doll,
my parents doll,my grandmas doll,my family's doll
that they keep in a box
and like to dress in pretty things
until she is not so pretty
XL
XL
XXL
insults
lies
she is not ME !
XXL is NOT ME!!!
why don't they look at me
and see
what you see in her
that girl
across the room
why is she so special?
how can i get what she has?
except i don't want what she has i want better
i want to be the best
i have to win
or no one will see me
but no one will support me
i will win
eventually,without them.

prove it

i eat i tell her
prove it she tells me
i do
i eat to much
much to much
i need to loose 20lb i'm soooo fat
i tell her 'i ate'
i ate for you
good she tells me
now do it again
i did
it is gross i must exercise

food

Hunger is a pretty feeling for me,i don't know how to explaine it i don't feel it often. I don't eat often either a meal a day sometimes i don't even do that. Today ive had the quivalents of all three. When i do eat it is gross and i am numb and blotted. I need to drop twenty (any ideas?) and be in shape for sports. Rents are letting me go out for sports, i remember around this same time last year i was at my best, a different friend saying that he loved me a different group to talk and laugh with i look back and i see HER and i look at me and i say;who is this person?
She tells me not to eat and when i do,not to much. All three meals today. Failure. Salad isn't scary,neither is fruit, i am careful with carbs (though i can't eat most anyways) and AR keeps me away from the rest. I wonder what people think when they see me. Everyone knows what they want someone to think.

rants

i knock my ankles up against my desk by accendent,they are boney and hurt. I ate today. I hate it . I like feeling ,for some reason its like when i eat i am numb. I hate it. I blode and i am further away from the vision of myself that i want. Of the girl i used to be. She is dead.DO U HERE ME ?! DEAD
The girl who believed is gone,the one who thought meat was a vegtable and read constantly,the girl who followed all the rules,the quite girl,the not-completly hideous girl,the one who danced around the kitchen,the one who was afraid of roller coasters is gone. That persons been gone. She doesn't exist anymore. My 'luv' u fell in 'love' with someone completly different do u hear me?!?!? poor guy doesn't know what he's in for. My friend says i should get help. Y? i am not starving i am fat and bloating. Its easy for her,she kept it she kept the no stomach,there is nothing there for her. My body fought. I don't even know if i even HAVE  a problem,i never mentioned anything to a dr,i don't trust them.
I get to dance tomorrow.I will dance :)
i WILL be a ballerina,a swimmer,a cheerleader
i WILL keep my friend whom cares
i WILL learn the pretty languages
i will.
sigh.
i want this dog that i saw on a page for a shelter
she is beautiful,i feel like i could use my own dog,i smile whenever i walk someone elses (and i mean REALLY smile) . i know how to train a dog , i like to run and i have no problem caring for it y not? :)
lets hope the rents see it to :) haha c? im already smily just thinking about the little thing!i love animals (which i totally y i don't eat meat anymore despite my father trying to tell me that atheletes MUST eat meat) ok time to go

Almost

I ask u to keep my secret and not judge me
I almost tell you
almost
not quite
nonononono
NO.
that is what i stutter
A day latter i tell you i love u
do i mean it
i don't know
maybe
almost
you are my innocent soul
my new beckon
almost

A game of questions

You ask me what i liked about Him
i can go on for days
Truly
You two are like night and day
I'm already hooked
I'm addicted to the way
you say i love you
and adore me
So i tell you
about my past life
just a little
What I Liked about HIM :
I saw him and he was hot
He was chill,just quiet and calm
like how i used to be
He laughed and smiled
and i loved it
We had so much in common
And everyday he made me fall for him all over again
Till i fell and shattered

Mine till i decide

I let you say I love you
words u stuttered through text
I don't tell you that I love you
And you're fine with that ?
you seem fine
For now
I haven't told you so much more that three little words shouldn't make a difference
But they have
they broke me
Again and Again
without fail
I've hurt you more than once
still you come
thats more than i can say about some
I want to hold you
like a stuffed toy
I'm jealous when you aren't mine
so i call your name
you come
and your mine
Your mine till i decide