Nobody Not Them

My body is too heavy and dumb,it cannot do the dance my mind wants it to. It is sick . There is a voice inside of me screaming 'give up,just stop,nothing is getting better,stop you are nobody''
i am nobody .
i am nobody .
i am nobody.
there is another voice,it is smaller.Telling me to breath,to fight and take a step back then take two steps forward and look around.it tells me 'your not there yet,keep going,keep dancing,your going to be amazing one day, your nobody so become somebody'
who do you listen to?the booming voice or the tinny whisper?
i think of my mom.
she told me she wanted to be a ballerina. my grandparents of course didn't care enough and didn't have enough money. she doesn't want me to become hard and bitter and guarded,she wants me to dance. I look into her eyes and see the longing i know it is there because i see it. And i wish i could never want anything again but i wish and i dream. I saw the dancers at my school do their solos. My mom is always saying that some dancers -even on the high school team which is the best one around- aren't very good
'she looks like her feet are made out of cement!,she has no grace'
I saw the dancers and they all looked the SAME ,they could all exicute the same fancy flips and turns but that was all. There was no life in them,they were little wire robots. I saw one of the girls that everyone thinks is one of the best dancers this time i REALLY saw her -i think i actually SAW all of them this time- she was stiff,and thin with cement-block feet as she flipped around the stage and turned like a hurricane. I saw them and was very happy i wasn't them.

My room is a place where i can leave,the screaming,the smells of cooked meat (im a pescaterian) and anything else. But lately it feels like everything in it belongs to someone..just not well,me.
Grarg so lately i haven't been in contact with my 'best' friend . And she sits three feet away from me for a whole hour. And i've just noticed now that she only ever really complains to me,i'm her punching bag. I'm most peoples punching bags,therapists,mom,sister,or anything else that they're dependant on. So know that her and her boyfriend are totally and completely bissful i haven't even had a 'hello' from her. Lucky guy i might add,she hasn't so much uttered a sentence about him to me,which means he hasn't been slammed to a million pieces by a alleged 'loved one' . What drives me nutts is when people swoop in when things get bad for some1 but won't stand by them while its happening. Yes,i'm talking about another friend(s) . This one is trying to keep it real,like me i guess. So i've left Bubble land and have started sitting w/ her again at lunch and during the day. I must admitt for some reason everything seems more...real. Poor mija is dealing w/ issues of the heart . My own seem just fine right now but the thing is she's always the one to back down and let a guy go and i honestly think its her turn. Thats one of the faults with trying to keep yourself real,there's definetly a lot more pain.

Smile

Behind a smile a girl can hide:
her bruises
Pain
And lies
A smile and everyone thinks i'm ok
A girlish wave and they think it's a good day
Only they miss the pain its causing me
To set my mouth that way
To stretch my skin and display:
A row of ivory teeth
all perfectly straight
A glance won't tell you anything at all
Especially me
When i smile
thats all
It's my glossy lips
Stretched out in a cresent
and my ivory teeth beared for too long of a second
I'm happiest all to myself
My smile tucked away
For nobody else
-More words from your girl Echo
Here me out and hope to understand me .

Black Butterflies

I like the way
you touch me
your not afraid of me
like all the others
I don't know what part of me you see
I just hope you share the good feeling
that i feel
the same little butterflies
small enough that i can still look you in the face
Fast enough that they tickle apart of me
that i put away
My butterflies are black
there's no hope for me
Because i'm the Queen of Cold
They're black because i refuse to surrender
Still,
I like the way you hold me
and make the butterflies dance
a little forbidden dance
Hold me tight
As i fight
the erg
to say something i know i will regret
I hope you're smart enough to guess
And know that the black butterflies are free
But you still haven't melted me
completely
Don't try to keep them in a jar
But in your heart
Yes they are butterflies
But they're black all the same

Like?LOVe?all of the above?

i don't believe in love. its as simple as that,i don't believe in that whole i-was-meant-4-u-4ever thing,maybe like 30 years ago it would have worked but not these day. I HAVE liked people before,a lot i might add but thats beyond the POINT. My point is how do u know if a guy likes u?and why can't they just go on and SAY It!!??!?!
when guys drop hints i play dumb to see how long it takes them to be direct. Now before you think that sounds cruel look at it logically u should be able to tell a person you like/love them just as much as you can show it . On a basis it takes them anywhere between 2-11 months.Men. Need i say more?
Exactly,if men knew how hard it was being a girl they'd pop up and give us all a bigger standing ovation than an academy award winner! but considering they are the less intelligent bread of human beans (ha!i just decided that when ppl start reading this i'll call them human beans!). Wish me luck in life as i try 2 desifer and not offend as many ppl as possible (unless i want 2 THEN i get a standing ovation!)
ur gurl,keeping it real
-Echo