Hands

My hands are weak, the only strength that comes is the one that is forced mentally. They are weak and cold,my head is hot while they are cold. My legs will do the minimum. I am eating,I swear. So why is this happening? There is a bottle of medicine on my desk. I'm tired of the medicine that makes it more painful but eventually brings relief.
I'm thinking about my hands almost four years ago. I was about four foot something and weighed about 147LB there was a wring of fat around my wrists. I still had big,fast hands . They were good for drawing,working and dancing. But they were strong,almost stronger than my moms and stronger than both my sisters.
I'm looking at mine again now, i can feel the bones in my wrists and fingers. Even clenching my fist is strange, i would not get the same nose-breaking punch that i normally would. Normal. Normal? normal...

The Word That I Hate

You know what ? some people are really observant and presistant,this combination is deadly especially when your friends with me. I talked to my friend R and she made me tell her what was bothering me i managed to say that my family life was a piece of crap,they think i have an eating disorder and she asked if i turn to bulimia ever. I hate that word i truly do i fast sometimes and i have spit up sure ,as much as i love her she doesn't GET IT . Not like J does anyway,i ended up telling her about my screaming little sister,just the outlines of some of the things happening in my life not all of it. Never all of it. I was crying by then and shaking. In my head i just screamed 'Echo! calm down! and quit shaking.' Shit. My hands are shaking right now as i write this, even this blog is just an outline . The best thing about my tears is that after about five minutes i don't even look like i was crying so no one has to know.

Have you ever heard the saying 'You know its official when you face book it'? well in my case its true. Just yesterday i blocked my ex-best friend. I must say it makes not being her friend that much easier.
I'm realizing which friends are truly my friends one of the only bad things is that two of my good friends is going to a different high school than me. This must be fixed emidiatly i'm not even kidding,bring in the machien guns because i'm about to go ninja on them! (school choice people). No one step worse i'm gonna go kick-ass latina women on them (and if you've never delt with an angry latin women than lucky you,you've saved yourself from a very large therapy bill);I'm serious though this ALWAYS happens to me i get taken away (or they do) from things and people that i care about and who actually care about me. My other friends (well most of them) made it in. I'm excited for the fresh start,i think i need it .

Done,Done and Don't Care (at least thats what i tell myself)

So right now everything is just so messed up,all i can truly say is that i still hate love and now i offically can't stand sweet-talkers. Yes once again this is over a G.U.Y. they should be classified as a different species or better yet a piece of machinery.This way they'd come with an instruction manuel that i'm sure every girl in the nation would be willing to memorize. Long-f***ing messed up-story short, he flirted i flirted back i liked him and he apparently had his eyes on someone else. Love stinks boo hoo hoo. My lack of enthusiasm comes from the fact that i'm honestly starting to not care about that kind of stuff anymore,i mean sure it  hurt but whatever. A great man once said 'if you feel pain it means your still alive,so keep running Echo!'
If you'd asked me about six months ago about any of this kind of stuff I'd probably whine,pretend to pout and get very upset like i actually care. That attitude and faking is slowly,but surley and definetly peeling away. I'm also trying to love myself which is something i still have an insanely hard time doing. Although on the other hand i'm trying to reason with myself,maybe i did have a bit of an eating disorder. I was going to put something on here about that,but i'm not ready for that,not yet.

So my birthday passed about two weeks ago (clap clap i'm now 14)  and it was on a weekend,all i got from my best friend was a facebook happy birthday,not even a hug and a smile (which is what i really love from my friends). I come back to school,its a good monday,you know those good hair-my toast didn't burn-and i actually woke up to my alarm and felt good about it-modays? And i'm just thinking maybe my life doesn't totally blow,i'm 14 now! and i say 'hi' and go to hug her.She blows me off. I'm cool and i joke around about it and she EX-PLODES! everyone entering the math class must have heard her she was that loud. In my head i'm thinking 'what did i do wrong' and then my other friend just turns to me 'its ok Echo she's just a bitch.' and then i realize that its not me it's her. There is nothing wrong with me and i don't have to put up with someone and be their punching bag when shes not even there for me . Needless to say my non-burnt-toast day was ruined and i was practically fuming. I am done. I said it then and i meant it. It seems childish (idk who im talking to since i have no followers) to say that someone is not your friend anymore but thats what i did and i haven't spoken to her since. I'm afraid if i do i'll give in and the vicious cycle will continue. A friend of mine is a much better friend than i thought , it was just one of those ' hey u,you know what? this chica has my back ' kinda moments. I love her guts officially now. My ex-bff practically threatened her she was just like 'so i here you have a new friend' and my awesome friend just emphasizes that we've BEEN friends FYI and that she was totally aware of our situation and wasn't the least bit intimidated. My friends also told me that she's acting pretty b**chy to them lately. Deep down (most likely very deep) she's still a sweet person that i still absolutly love, saying that i was done with her was a very hard and painful discion for me.But for now,i'm just building my own life back up again.Music continues to be my everything,more about that later
-Echo