ONE OR THE OTHER

Waterpolo takes so much out of someone. Its time dedication, constant conditioning, and a lot of money. The only problem is dance requires the same thing. I have polo already and I dance twice a week. But this weekend after loosing all three * grimaces* games at the tournement this weekend me and my mum realized the same thing: I can't do them both and be great.
This means that I have to pick one.
I love both but there are things that need to be face, I am a goalie but a short one and I do not have a dancers body either, persepssion is everyhting.
I'm no sprinter, and my dance tecnique isn't where it should be for my age.
I need to pick one, this weekend was so god awful that I think i might actually pick dance. the only thing is i'd have to deal with my mom, with swim i workout everyday FOR SURE 2-3 hours solid. with dance its up to me and up to her and SHE has to be as serious as me. I'm afraid of picking dance, having it fall through the cracks, the other waterpolo girls  improving and me being left in the dust with nothing to show for it.

back bends

my musceles feel like a rusty gate, crusty and out of shape. im just not BENDY this week. I can't bend forward tho with my toes pointed and my legs straight on the floor, it hurts through my spine. it was doing so good a week ago!!!! crap. I have two games to play today. Wish me luck....

you
where my everything
my
thinspo
motivator
comforter
love of my life
no,
for once your name
is not
Mia
I'm
to  imbarassed that
you'll really see it
if i say it here.
you came for me
every time
i pushed
and pulled you
you kissed me
reached for me
pouted
wanted me
till i pushed
to hard
and pushed you
away

you stopped
wanting
reaching
waiting
coming for me
i have learned to be strong again
to stand
alone
eyes cautious
arms crossed
secretly missing
being wrapped up
in someone else

four months
and no texts
emails
pictures.
I am alive
getting healthy
raising my gpa
dancing
drawing
swimming
better than ever

four months
and
i am
just fine.

im slipping.............

a kiss

his kiss
gentle
then once again
against my cheek
is that appropriot?
i shrink
back
and i leave the  room
play it off
smile
my mum is there
but skwirm
feeling dirty
chilly
is it all in my head?
some days normal
others loose
on the run
avoiding him

the one person who knows doesn't care.
then i guess it doesn't matter.....

Demons of the mirror

everyday
i see myself
to many times
to count
and i remember
myself
but not REALLY myself
puking
eyes red
lips dry
stomach bloated
a mirage

every time
i tred
i feel
my knees pop
in and out of place
and remember
the little girl
with long hair
down her back
run
run
running
away from Fat
no matter how bad it hurt

i hear songs
taunting chants
that remind me of my Love
twice gone and never to return
once because Mia
my gorgeous Mia
could not coexist with such
adoration
and second for the sports that picked up the pieces
forced me
back into health
yet all else lost

everyday
i look
i see
i feel
i hear
my own demons
wailing
they cling to me
grasping
and i carry them
on my back
from class to class
will i ever be set free
of the burden
the burden of my demons
destruction
creation
DEMONS
demons
Demons
of my own mind
the kind you never what to admit
but they're mine.
all mine.
demons do not exist without a mind.

screw up

i purged. i don't know it it even really counts. my little sisters gluten free cake with cream made me feel sick. so i threw it up. it wasn't hard. but now i still feel sick.
i don't want it to happen again i've been doing so well. everyone is SO proud of me. this is the last time.
then why do i feel so proud of myself.........