"I'm not trying to get into your pants or anything" good because theres no room for you in them anyways

I've been sick for the last week so no swimming -___- and lots of food. I got in BIIIG trouble for trying to fast monday I lasted till about 4pm before food was practically shoved down my throat and the numbers on the scale have been flying up and down and I'm going insane. I need them to drop a lot.

Good news was I saw my Baby this week <3 I really don't like seeing him when I feel super fat and bloated. that and my skin sux. lyk acne and scarrs all over my back n down parts of my arms. normal girls don't have that. I'm discusting

Im too scared to post a real picture of me so this is me Oct-ish

don't hate me....

no more of this bloody shit
i'm too tired for it im too tired...

Sick, Front row dance show, Swimmers body

So I have recently decided to imbrase my inner chub.
BAH! just kidding!!!
But a bit has been happening for one thing I'm sick, AGAIN. -_____-
I blame  our currently crappy california weather,its like 60 digrees over here!! (that is freeze your butt of COLD). With any luck I'll be up and running soon.

Swim team has had me training like a mad person, my coach knows I can't say no to anything (well at least swimming) so he puts me in all the events that no one else will do. Which means Butterfly and IM (a combo of butterfly,back,breast,free usually in a segmant of 100-500). Im the fastest of the slow ones XP but i almost did beat a boy (victory!). I love swim because its easy to put off weight but i hate it because its harder to restrict when u swim than when you run. ANYWAYS he's moving some of us up which means harder training sessions woop-D-doo.

My dance teacher also put me in the front for a section thats gonna be in the show, its the lyrical portion. which means I must not look like total crap. I am looking into studios for the summer. A friend recomended  one her daughter went too. and her daughter is the most beautiful dancer I've ever seen.


My boy and I will be celebrating 5 months next week :)
I'm pretty lucky to have him, i hate him,i love him,he makes me laugh,but he sometimes annoyes the shit outta me. Which in my brain works just fine for me. Its weird doing the long-distance thing. For one his friends want to meet me :/ like, I've already met his mom and his sister and they like me. But these are his FRIENDS. WHAT IF THEY DONT LIKE ME?
What if they think I'm ugly?
To me i guess thats the real question.

Bipolar haircut

Yep I chopped off my hair. I've been saying i was gonna do that for the last year and a half and yesterday I told my hairdresser I wanted it up to my shoulders. Now, I know for some people thats not short but I'm not Some people. I've had hair that almost reached my butt for pretty much my entire existence.
I loved it and then when I got home and looked in the mirror I almost broke down crying. My face jsut looks so round and the rest of me so bloated and fat, I think it looks kinda like a mullet and I just can't stand anything about me. So i binged. And that same little voice came back and screamed 'eat you fat worthless bitch,eat' and stuffed food down my thoate till it was too painful to keep shoving it down. And my mum came home and I couldn't purge and so for the last day and a half I've binged. Everyother hour I hate my hair and every hour inbetween I'm in awh that I had the guts to cut it all off. 4-6 months till i get my hair back

found a new way to fly . :)

Hello my name is Fattie

my stomach is full and it feels disgusting.
Please make it end.
Fasting for the 1st time tomorrow since I started going to the clinic wish me luck.

Intake:
4 pieces of bread (200)
2 slices pizza
1 bannana w/ almond butter
almond milk
pretzels

a fabulous idea

lets go back to the days where I hardly ate
where i would loose weight
where i was on track to beautiful
yes
lets


p.s want a belly ring
if I can hit 115 I'm going to have my friends (love the Crazies)  to peirce it for me

La Vida Mia !!!!

this is my disease
this is what
has infected my bones
worked through
my teeth
my bones
my brain
so they tell me
all i can believe is me
because thats all i have
is this mess
i call 'me'
the person you should see
instead of my disease
I have
two arms
and legs
a head
so i'm Bulimic?
last i cheked i was Human
do i
disscust you?
people
stare
talk shit
fight
harm
each other
and that
is ok
but me
being'me'
is not?
Darling i am human
deal with it

Gotta Be Stronger

Hi Pretties!

So along with my new goal comes another goal 

to get totally toaned and strong 

I've shifted my focus from pro dancers (which, with any mirical is what I aim to be) to looking at gymnasts. These girls are thin and have a rediculous amount of uper body and core strength,they also have some really great extentions. I'm considering asking for a tumbling class instead of ballet is that a good idea? 

I'm not to sure, I don't want to be learning cartwheels with the 5yr olds (or ballet for that matter :/ ) 

Loves you's! <3

I'm so sick of 'being better'

I hate
"Recovery"
everyone thinks I'm 'doing better' whatever that means to them. My heart is stable and going up and I've eaten things that I, at a point in my life would never ever touch EVER.
I feel like I'm loosing me and thats not what should be happening I should be loosing weight.
I found a picture from about two years ago, at my lowest weight point. My face isn't clear and my eyes are tired,I have less cheek and less fat but over all I look like shit.
Soooo the plan:
(Oh and I haven't purged since november and I haven't had a gigantic binge in a long time so for tht I am happy because B/P makes me gain ALOT)

No cheese
No chocolate (<---- not even sure why i would eat either of these???)
no ice cream (EVER!)
Only two slices of bread a day or 3 tortilas (which comes out to 150, 50 cals each)
There will be at least 2 fruits or veggies with every meal and water or tea

My goal is to loose 40 pounds
thats what it's been and now I WANT IT