binged on pizza and ice cream . :( im such a failure . let me die .

todays intake

3 tamalies (this is wat happens when ur latina ,i swear they try 2 fatten u up )
ice cream sunday -purged (my hand totally twitched the whole time it went down my throat)
oatmeal
orange juice
4 slices of gluten free toast w/ butter
ew , i'm soooo fat
sigh. I'm going running in a bit so that should help . I need a buddy so bad! any1 know where i can get an ED buddy?

not strong enough

ana isn't strong enough
i am not
so far ive had cerial
and oranges (neg cals! :) )
i want to die
let her take over please

depression

let me die
it is shameful
i am fat and ugly and horrible
i'm afraid that i will stay under a micriscope
for my entire life
more than usual
if i tell them
i am ugly
FAT
UGLY 
WORTHLESS
STUPID 
HORRIBLE
NOBODY 
EMOTIONLESS
COLD
ALONE
BLOATED
SWOLLEN
SICKLY
IDIOTIC
AKWARD
PIMPLY
FRIZZY
FAT
FAT ASS
FATASS 
FAT
FAT FAT
F.A.T
nobody 
just let me rot
alone
alive
a living skeleton
i wish
the lard hangs off me
at 133
its btter than my sick weight of 145
but its gross
give me a pill
1 too many
so i will sleep
in piece
and not torture myself
body-less
worry-less
let me die
so i can live
the way i see fit
for once
they say ana takes the life of ur unborn child
some1 i want eventually
at stake
because of ana
i want to die
die
useless mess of fat

Tell Him ? Tell them ?nobodys here

Sometimes I just feel like yelling through the roofs "I have anorexia, i have an ED! , hate myself , i want to KILL MYSELF i hate life and i hate myself let me die!' but i don't . I can't . I want HIM to know . the one that i (i dare say it) fell in love with. I want him to know why i never came,why i never wanted to meet him those first two weeks of summer and that it wasn't that we were different or that i didn't not love him but because i was sick. My body attacked itself (i still hate it for that) and made me gain 20lb (only gttn off about 9 of those :/ but i'm healthier) i want them to know that annabel has me and she's making me the bitch i don't want to be,and that i'm afraid. But does anyone care? what do i expect anyways? for him to feel sorry for me (unlikely) ? to take me and hold me and want me (even more unlikely)? sigh. I'm afraid. Screw recovery i purged twice today . I swear my mom and aunt are plotting carrot cake AND potato pancakes in the same day? (its ok though i purged most of it ) . I call myself Echo Cruz I am 14 years old and i match all the symptoms of bulimia anorexia nervosa ,anorexia athletica (and i think my 'recovery' from the last might have caused COE that is now mostly under control) i was 147 lb in the f5th grade and after a grospurt and everything 7th i was 119 and going down . now i am 133 i am nobody.

Play prima 's Uncle Down

One of my good friends , no we're more than good friends she's like my Prima (<-for those of you who don't speak spanish 'cousin' <3'sX5)  her uncle died . He's just gone.. we all thought he'd have another week and me and my parents were going to visit but he just ,died. Its killing me,i need her to answer my calls and FB messages and let me know how she's taking it . She was already crying when she thought that she had a week. Turns out she only had hours with him. She didn't want to say goodbye to him,not at all. Oh dear goodness I can still here her 'I don't want to say goodbye Echo.' as she cried . It's ringing in my head... like an echo (ha.ha. so funny *dry sarcasm as usual *. My dad and his brother loved him to, what kills me is that he saw him before he died. He SAW him. That just about killed him (no pun intended) just the look on his face when Dandelion told him that he was gone. Like he'd just missed something. I don't know which is worse leaving just before someone close to you dies or watching them die.

todays food

pickles -o cal
slice of bread-160 cal (ouch)

J vs. Ana

I love ANA Athletica &Anna
she molded me
she was my friend
she is my constant companion
and she loves me
when i obey
when i do as she pleases
without
my say
she takes my life
and makes it hers
brings me down
low enough
so
i
can't
see the sky
and the hope
that my fly above
is she really my companion ?
i still wonder
J is here
she understands
only she never loved
'Ana'
as i do
hated her
as i do
loved the bones
i never got to see all the bones
do i love J more than 'Ana'?
enough that I'm trying
trying
trying
eating
like a fatass
risking
my sanity
for her
loosing
my companion
for her
fat ass
fat ass
worthless piece of shit
i balance for J
i still swell
because the sickness
has not left my organs
nor do i think
they ever will
why do I
go on?
12
14
17
asprins?
is that enough
to end this ?
to free me
of my pain
of my thoughts
of this body
so far
from what it should be?
this prison
i was born into
for J
the way she supports me
I'm not sure i can do it
my sanity
my bones
hiding
deeper
and deeper
under the fat
fat ass
fat
akward
worthless
crap

Because of J

I have to watch how much i eat and ask :is this what normal people do?
J is SO proud of me for wanting to conquer my 'problem' I feel bad when I tell her I'm truly making 'progress' and getting 'support' and that I'm going to ask my aunt to take me for 'mental help' (which i admit i could probably use but STILL a girls gotta have some dignity). I am trying to be balanced though,for now. Then when things are a little better I'm going to start up either the 'Skinny girl" diet or the 'Rainbow' diet or make one up all on my own! (gotta loose 40lb)
But for J I'm eating normal and not purging. ONLY for J. Why ? because i love her and she's been through this.Only difference is,she didn't fall in love with Anabell (thats what i call her) . As soon as my leg heals up completely my workout will proceed (amped of course )
XOXO to all you dragonfly lovers
-Echo

Control for Mia

I'm going to try and recover myself ,now don't flip or anything I know it won't be forever but its for the benifit of me and 'ANABELL" (ana and mia) .
My plan is to eat regular portioned meals again and keep them and then when my leg is better I'm going to be exercising and then up the exercise and start my diet again and loose 40 LB . That is my plan I have to get the binge thing under control  because lets face it,not enough comes up when i purge so its a useless habit. I'm going to be thin and strong and in control and beautiful eventually but first,Control. When I found out what I am specifically (or was last year it was anorexia athletica) wish me luck yours truly 
-Echo 

ate dessert and dinner . it was mostly salad and tomatoes (which are negative cals) but i ate it . It was had at first then i noticed how hungry i was . Its hard i want to drop eight by next week what should i do?
my leg is like,out i hurt it playing sports and apparently i need to ' take it easy' on it .Whatever. How am i supposed to burn off the cals?!?! i felt guilty for all the dessert i ate but i figure i'll do oatmeal tomorrow and eat only salad and steamed veggies for then next week . I want a flat belly this summer,i have never worn a bikini in my life (which is kinda sad if u think about it) mostly because I'm more into comp swimming and we're very sporty perfect-the-stroke-now-go-faster in my family about swimming.

TV Virtual Reality

i shower
she screams
she needs TV
like this world needs gravity
its terrifying
i stay silent
away
till its done
TV instead
of friends
school
life
she would throw away
her skinny form
so she could rot
it makes me sick
why is she afraid?
i may never know
she wants to live
her own
virtual reality

i am not strong enough to do a water fast but i am strong enough to stop eating at a certain point today (purge ? duh!) im going to work my way up . cals are so scary

epic fail

what is happening to me
why aren't i like i used to be
this fullness
isn't safe
but i can't stop
its a tug-a-war
from two ends
the part that wants to be like everyone else
and the part that wants
strength
beauty
perfection
there is always room for improvement
Dandelion thinks i'm 'obsessed' with working out
if only she knew
which is one of the reasons she doesn't
she doesn't have to worry
much
i purge
but i keep most of my food and i'm eating (eep)
i want to be in control again
hunger
is to much for me to handle on my own
and with each bite the voice is more and more faint
but my body moves me
towards the food
its gross
tomorrow i will start a fast
for strength
liquids only
then water
so people know about this 'eleged' disorder
disorder
as if something is wrong
something IS wrong
society wants me to be fat!
and not feel
they want me to be numb
hunger is pretty
drive is pretty
pretty pretty
everyone looks fat to me
and they are thiner than me
gross
i'm the fattest looking of them all
133
i must weigh again
a pretty girl i know is 150
how is that so?
i don't know
but she is far more beautiful than me
so i'm going to post tomorrows menue so i don't stray from it
: tea w/ laxitives (2-3 caps)
mint gum (3 sticks 30 cal)
bottled water
tea (laxitives op 1-2)

update

cheer tryouts are HARD must study and practice :/ can't wait for summer.have to write a musical comp 4 choir 2 due fri (blah!)
I'm exploring 'negative calories' lets see how it goes.
My aunt is trying to get me to love myself ,her love is comforting.(she's not preachy preachy)
J thinks i' recovering (NGH!!!! nt gnna happen,thought about 'recovery' tried ,NOT GOING BACK THERE I JUST STARTED TO GT STRONG AND LOOSE WEIGHT AGAIN) what she doesn't know doesn't hurt her right? right. I need to meet someone like me that will be suportive. HE just IMed me to see what was wrong (my fb statuse) does he really even care ? apparently i'm his friend . Thats nice considering we don't talk much. Sometimes i still think i 'love' him . Sometimes i tell myself he could love me. I'm so pathetically hopeless it's tragical ( if ur gnna say thats not a word it is now so deal!!).
That girl i can't stand? one of the reason is because she has everything and i don't hate her i just have a low tolorence level for her. I thought we where friends this summer? turns out i was wrong,since she had all her other ones back i was worthless. BS.o well.

something SHE told me

i feel weak
and the tears
run
her:whats wrong with you?
me: I'm not good enough
her: you ate you fatty,you've been eating
me:I know , i'm sorry
her:don't cry then!
me: but I,I,
Her:no buts!!! you'll be closer to perfect.Skip dinner
me:do i have to ?
her:yes,you've done it before they wont notice they all think you're supper pissed
me: i AM supper pissed
her:even better,we can use that .together
me:ok .together.

U don't care? neither do I! worst day ever

Why can't i be good at something?
come on !?!?!! the universe officially hates me more than normal,the skin on my face burns from crying (add it to the list of things that i'm alergic to ;my own f*cking tears) . Our soccer team lost . No ,they didn't even TRY ,loosing is when you fight for it and fail this was a FORFIT practically and a waste of my time. I missed the first day of cheerleading tryouts for this! I WANT TO BE A CHEERLEADER MORE THAN ANYTHING. Everything else that i thought i was good at,i didn't make team for and this is my last hope. If the girls on my soccer team don't care than neither should i,I'm going to cheer tomorrow and NOT soccer and I'm going to prioritize whats really important,being around people who don't care isn't one of them. I so pissed and disappointed in myself.
Talentless
Fat ass
worthless
stupid
emotional
idiotic
me
if this one girl i don't like (she gets everything she wants and is just plain erking) makes team and i don't i'm going to be depressed and pissed . I want to do something.

Miss Independent

M offered me a ride after soccer practice . Total (awesome) chance that i ran into him after school ,the class he takes took a trip and he was getting a ride. Everyone says we look like we're together but we're not. I'm kinda into him but he is my friend. So of course when he offers i decline,its sprinkling and a little cold (to me cause i just ran) so i decline , i mean i have legs right ? Right.
Now i look at it and :omagosh a ride with him to my place (i.e. the crazy house/asylum whatever you want to call it) most likely with his arm around me (like always) how great would that be?
But no ,i insist that i need to walk (hey,how else am i gonna burn cals?)
darn you miss independent.

admit it

My name is Echo and i am a mia/ana i count,pirge,and binge and count calories.There i said it happy universe?!
i told you all now ,i don't think i have a problem i LIKE it ,its my thing. And now that i found girls (vertualy if only i could spot another red bracelet in the quad) that are like me. Sure sometimes i'm scared. I've tried to 'recover' honestly i was forced into it (we including me just didn't know it). I want to loose all of that ugly weight though .
CW:133.6
GOAL:110
hight:5'3

i look and i look up all these girls with anorexia and bulimia
i do or have done everything they do
do i call myself ana or mia?
no
they are so much stronger than me
its not fair.
do i need a 'cure' ?
i am not sick
it is a choice
i have lost six pounds
i will hardly be home all this week
a good chance 2 exersize fasting
my strength
i have to cut things
in2 small pieces n
chew slowly
or not at all

how things are going down

Ate dinner with the fam
i feel so sick
its the first full meal ive had
over 400 calories in 2 weeks
i need to sleep and exersize later

I've decided instead of yelling at my ex-best friend i'd 'kill her with kindness' . I figured that goin up to her and screaming is what she'd want me to do, it's so her. But i'm not her. I am not her at all. I am echo and echo will shine through when i can feel my pure bones against my skin,muceles bulging,legs thin and strong. So how do i plan on doing this , the same thing i always do on birthdays and just when i'm bored in general :Cup Cakes.