get better

ana: you are weak pushing me this far down . WEAK DAMN IT! they can never truly give you what you want....because im what you want . I'm your friend Echo .
Echo . EEECHO . thats all they will ever hear ..but they wont listen . they wont even see .unless you stay wit me ,then they can see you . a beautiful master piece
Me:they're trying to help me...
ana:help you ?! please!!! food getting stuck inside you! you look pregnate ! thats not a result of me ,that is a result of your weakness! WEAK WORTHLESS LITTLE SHIT!
me:  :(
ana:but i know your unhappy ,i know your just trying to be skinny .you can be if you let yourself . just let go and you'll be light and fly .
me:im trying
ana:everything gets stuck in you ,your skin is stretching with every forced meal! take action! and you can have what you want , defiance

wearing my wings ,even if it means falling

i watched my own feet
hit the floor
with each step
apart of the song
like
my body remembered
exactly what to do
not exactly 
because there was something different
slower
more careful,graceful
it remembered the steps from the lifetime
where my body was lean and muscular
not skinny
but lean
and strong
and fast
it remembered
and i remembered
how much
i'm in love
with dancing
only
im a bad dancer
just a few contemperary courses here and there
when we could afford it
my mexican dance training
for three years
im 14
the age of a prime dancer
pointe
should be mastered
flexibility and tecnique
vital
apparently
i have 'swag' ?
the life
in my movments
is there
my free style pretty
 i've stopped dancing
for to long
i'm home
i'm ready to work
and i will wear my wings
again
soon
not yet
but soon
because
i know
that this is what i need
to be happy
i need to dance .

2 leftover empanathas
bagel w/ creamcheese/peanutbutter
roughly 800 cal 2day
that will be it

more rants

i was doing so well today !
but then i went downstairs and ate
3 slices of glutin free bread w/ butter
cream chees frosting
left over kinoa and seaweed salad
and two small potatoes w/ butter
and now my stomach hurts and all i want to do is cry very hard
because i am weak and i am stupid . Gosh i descust myself so much
FAT

FAT 

STUPID 

STUPID 

FAT 

FAT

FAT

No one likes a fat person 

not truly 

so i shouldn't stay fat

fat 

fat FATTASSS

FAT FAT 

UGLY 

WORTHLESS

im dying ,i havent weighed myself but i know its not good 

this means punishment 

obviously 

i need to go to the gym 

thats the only thing that will make me feel better

3 hours at the gym will make me feel so much better

but i have to clean my stupid house 

so i can't go 

:( fudge 

i hate this

back in the game

im back and im super de dupper fat . its so gross . IM SO GROSS and FAT ! i need to loose weight ,and fast !!!!! school starts in august and i don't want to be one of the fat girls at the beggining of my high school experience .ew..... does anyone know how to loose weight fast?

back at last

im home!!!!!!
i was at camp all week and i missed everything so much and yet i didn't want to leave! Camp really truley makes me a happier person . I think im going to do much better . Even physically because the elevation is brultal and so i'll hopeflly be a stronger runner and swimmer.
its just so nice to be home. i really have to clean up thoigh:/ i trashed my room before i left so its pretty gross. AHHHH im just so HAPPY!! its freakish . i can't wait to catch up on all your blogs i missed them . and if anyone tried to text me so so SO sorry ,my phone died (and no service in the mountains either)
xoxoxo
-echo

BroKen WinGs

I stand
ready to dance
like i used to
everyday
for hours at a time
but i can't
i feel worthless
and ugly
like i'm incapable
of stepping
my wings are failing
i can't
i'm not
good enough
graceful enough
i'm nothing to look at
so what if i know the steps in my sleep?
i could dance
but i can't
i just really really can't
i'm afraid of it
of failing
again
dancing
just the thought
of it
makes me
want to cry
so my butterfly wings
sit in my closet
my pretty skirts
made of heavy material
that i make look light
with the shinny ribbons
sit
waiting
watching me
they look
sad
and broken
they match my insides
its been months
and i can't
i can't
i can't find the steps inside
my shattered being
to lift up my wings
and try to fly
for the fear of falling forward
like every time
before

Love is in the air... and it smells like shit!

i had to go to a wedding yesterday
and today i see all these fuking anaversry statuses on facebook
lots of couple pics to
screw love it sux
it favors the pretty people in the world and i think we all know it
o well this stuff sux major
im not in a bad mood or anything (sarcasm)
ugh imma go take a nap

FML

i can now say officially that i hate camping -___-
real camping anyways with tents and dirt and bugs (mostly the bugs are what sucked i have twelve bites on my face ,and thats just my face!)

I leave offically 4 camp (cabins ,chef,and bathrooms yesssss) tomorrow . I'm hoping to avoid drama but i doubt that will happen .
Oh i told the guy that i liked him , like i knew he still likes his ex girl . go figure. whatever i already knew it . Not that it didn't help much . I wonder if anything would have been different if i was actually pretty .Probably . Because thats how life works . I found an old pic of me on facebook . I wonder who posted it . Its from my hardcore days (2hr cardio and no lunch or breakfast days) . I'm smiling and my hair is really long like it is now (i cut it a while back but it grew ) i'm dressed completly in black and in layers and my arms look really thin so does my waste . i could still have droped some it wouldnt have hurt .

It'll be easy to get away with everything at camp . overall my weekend is completly dissapointing but watever.

starlight

something took me over
but no ones come to save me
so i nurture her
i'm not sure
what i'm waiting for
some sort of enlightenment
to be bestowed appon me
its like having a little star
watching you
circling the night sky
while you wait for day to come
but it never comes
and all you have is
the little silvery star
because there is no moon
so the starlight gueids me
onward
with its warm fragile glow
and i'm not alone
but still,there is no moon
to comfort me with its knowing presense
all i have is a little star in the palm of my hand
floating,threatening to carry me way

another voice another pep talk

i'M hungry 
NO . you're not
yes ,yes i am 
if you keep eating like this i can't stay with you ,you know that
....i know ,sorry 
Thats ok now give that crap back to this world
*purges*
good
I'm sorry 
its ok :) just remember that your special Echo
i am? 
sure , i can make you special ,after all i made you the girl with everything a year ago
i know ,i miss that sometimes 
hmm i know you do , but you outgrew it you can be SO much BETTER.This time we'll do better
We can . bUT Im HUNGRY .
you know SHE eats right ? the one who thinks we can't do it? we can do it ,don't prove her right!
...are you still hungry?
....not really.... the pain...it feels almost,beautiful 
it is beautiful ,just like you will be when we're done
when will we be done?
we :)
We :)
we will be done ,when i say ,when we reach our goal . Its up to you on how close you're willing to stay 2 me
i'm willing Anabell ,i'm willing 
Good girl ,now follow me

Wow i haven't been on in a while and i'm catching up on reading all of your blogs ,sadly i will be leaving for camp for a whole week (next week) so i won't be able 2 keep up with this blog (super sad face) .
The good part about camp is that my mom can't monitor me the bad (which is pretty bad) is that she's sending food w/ me that i apparently have to eat (its speciall because im alergic 2 glutin and won't eat meat a hard combo) .
When my friend came over and we ate dinner the Warden watched me finish everything on my plate its so creepy. I hate it . if i don't want to eat then i wont . I'm liquid fasting today .
I've been eating soo so so much .

I'll pdate when i actually have something interesting 2 say
xoxoxo
-Echo

a midday meal

grow
my stomaches empty
teasing me
there isn't anything with low enough calories
cerial
Crunch
munch
CrUnCh 
uh-oh
forgive me
please
purge 
purge 
purge
Gone again
but your punishment isn't over
all that eat must be punished