Stories from her fading songs

my family is falling apart. We all had it out the other day,we stayed up practically all night arguing and 'discusing".
When i finally went to bed i felt like shit and just cried. I hate crying,or i did. I've been crying so much that its natural now,along with constantly feeling like shit. Next day i purged for the first time in months. Today i restricted pretty good,not great. Its good if i was a 'normal' person restricting. But i know i have potencial to be so much more. under all this fat is a beautiful,talented,person.
Sometimes i feel like its my fault we're falling apart,the way i avoid being around people,the way i stress my parents out. How they worry about me,and paying for my medical bills and pills. Things would be easier if my mentality were normal. I know i'm back on my way to ana because i'm falling asleep in class again,not a good thing (the sleeping) so i sugar spike (eat a small piece of candy and water). And thats pretty much what i eat along with dinner and picking at a bit of bfast to avoid suspicion.

When i was crying in my bed,my mom came into my room. She sat at the edge of my bed and just patted me and sang old songs she did when i was little. When we were all living in a little house in this hecka ghetto neighborhood,instead of the big one in this white place. As she sang i remembered running around with my sisters and being happy with my parents. I remember playing outside as the summer days cooled and my dad cut fruit off this tree (hecka mexican thing 2 do ik). I remember eating it,and being happy. Blissfully happy with my family,with myself. I remember thinking how i wanted more for everyone in my family,i remember wanting to be a dancer and then realizing i was too fat.I remember giving up. I just kept crying.
Because the only thing i could think was that little white room,with the one window and the bunkbed. The little room that was either too hot or freezing cold, 3 of us on the 2 beds. Me sharing with the little one who slept soundly back then,in matching pj's.
I miss that
i miss THEM
i hope we can be a family again,i miss that. (shit i'm crying again)

p.s. im going to do an experiment ,lollypops and water. The sugar for energy and i take vitamins and drink lots of water,lets see if i loose weight. I'll let u know when i start it.

xoxo
-echo

all my fault ,what happenes when i try 2 eat a meal

im just as u programed me
u raised me to be strong
u raised me to hold my own
my sister
shes the flower
i'm the cage of thorns
covered in blood
she's the hero
i'm the fall guy
she's the angel the princess
i'm the devil the evil step sister
What did i do wrong now
your mean echo
your kinda a bully
ha!
i was bullied
u taught me
to take care of myself
u never minded
when i protect them
when i defend my family
why not myself?
because ur other daughter
is weak
u built her
small
and meek
she jabs
when your not there
poking at you
with razor blades that scar
well i guess we ALL know what the problem is here
Echos just a bitch

to echo from ana

ANAS BACK FAT B*TCH

p.s we're fasting u can eat again wedensday 500 cal max
until then letuse ,tomatoes and low cal drinks

love ana

insperation

i found my new insperation
it's definition is found on urban dictionary
i was given it when i was a baby
the person my parents want me to be
its apparently what some people see
i never see it
when i look in a mirror
the actual origin sounds beautiful
peaceful
just the place where you'd want to die
urban dictionaries for it
is beautiful
hot
sexy
nice
fun
bad ass
the girl everyone wants to be
its my name
the one i was given
not the one i choose
Echo
i want to be
that girl who can go into a store during the end of a sale when all the smalls are left and pick which one she wants
i'm on my road
to letting myself go
the girl everyone
is too afraid to be
but so
so far
from beautiful
the day i reach it
i'll use both names
Echo and the one that shall not be named
:)
its a deal ok?
when i achieve it
i'll finally have reached me
in the highest state
a person
can be

binge,Blushes and Workouts

yesterday was a crazy crazy binge
mostly fruit though
ugh who am i kidding its so crappy
because of this i'm limiting myself to 170 cal
i honestly am incapable of putting anything else in my mouth
like physically i CAN'T
but i don't mind
thank you Ana :)

my binge :(
fruit (x100000000000)
fat free fro yo
fried plantains w/ sour cream
cerial
1/2 cup potatoe salad
chocolate
the frosting off a cupcake

we went shopping yesterday for food ,well fruit
and then we went to a party
i feel so crappy because of all of this :(
ana just kill me

characters in my story called life (so all y'all can keep up)

Barbie-a two faced prep ive know since middle school,blonde,skinny,cheerleader the works 

M(aka MettleHead)- the dork thats always hugging me, calling me 'his' i was into him an d he wasn't no biggi. he annoys me sometimes now as much as i love him he acts like such a fake sometimes. Yes there is lots of RF(recreational flirting) happening there but its just that .

EdEx-yes theres ancient history here ,the 1st boy,that one u never totally completly get over.Knew him best at the peek of my crazy weight loss (reached about 112),went loca on him during my depression.We're cool now but he likes to make me feel bad( like I'M  the mean one?!?!)

A- my best guy from(or used to be,don't know where he stands currently) he knows about my issues with food :/ n i text him about it when i'm super stressed ,hes cool about it.

The Warden- my mother,my keeper,sometimes more like my parole officer than a mom. What can i say shes this crazy tirant that i fight with and i somehow still love? 

VV-ex best friend ,worst enemy i don't hate her,i hate what she stands for, a fake slutty b*tchy two faced girl who's always PMS-ing on everybody (crule words but used to 2 describe her by more than me). She's too cowardly to cross me but if she tries it won't be pretty. She's a trigger for me,a serious trigger and she has no clue about my eating habits she just thnks im fat and eat a lot . If only she knew she knows nothing.

D  -my talented,wonderful friend who is sadly hooked on the worst of the worlds boys,drugs and booze. She's done with the drugs and i'm proud of her,she's fun and spunky and a great girl to have fun with.

J- acts like my mom sometimes , was besties with me and VV ,she wants us to make up,i love her hopeful thinking. Shes a recovered Ana that can never know about this blog or she'll slap me silly,for her it was just being skinny for me its much more. I love her boldness,everything feeling is strong,how kind she is ,how she loves,how she h8s.everything

Outs- my soul sister! (if he was a girl). He gets made fun of for being bi and his "weird"clothes,he likes being crazy and doing and saying what he feels like just like me,whether its a pink feather extention in his hair or dressing head to toe in purple i can count on him to make me smile and support me for being me and to sing lady gaga at the top of his lungs with me. :P

Pono- actor,singer  extrodenair , always singing and thinking outside the box. Doesn't really give a shit about my girly antics or anything that won't stop him from going home and playing video games and i'm ok with that

Tree!- my best friend , she loves me and i love her back! we like the same music,shes got my back and i've got hers,i don't think i've ever gotten in a 'real fight' with her in the 3 yrs i've known her. Her home life is crazy like my brain,she says she'd switch places with me in a minute but idk if she knows what that'd really be like 

DB(dilusional boy) -the one i talk about ,hes the one that calls me beautiful and amazing and awesome and i think is pretty smart but crazy,i'm just not interested in anyone although the presistence is admirable 

ReeRee- tried to set me up with DB, way to play cupid. She's a cutie w/ a fair amount of logic. I think she's acting a bit to old for herself (yr ynger than me) and she should slow down a bit for her sake. I DO turn to her for advice in the ways of the world.

thats all i'm going to name right now. for fear of someone i know reading this (though highly unlikely). I did this mainly outta bordom and the fact that you probably have no clue about who i talk about half the time.

if jessica alba was fat and covered in pimples that's what i look like. i look like an ugly jessica alba . Shes my new thinsperation because our faces look scary similar (mines the fat ,zits,and horrid skinn. lyk her eyes n noes n our lips those things r the same size n shape n color crazy)
i want too look hot !

a spoiled week

It happened again . I got called ugly. Even if its true it never feel good being called ugly. It was by A's friend who's an idiot. Later on last night he appoligized (via facebook) said that they misquoted him when all the other guys told me. Whatever. I know im ugly and FAT FAT FAT!!!
my face is coved in all these gross gross pimples,and its so oily and greasy (i try everything ,powder , moisturizer,blotting) ,my hair is a poofy mess (i don't have time to do it in the morning (i'm just going to get into the pool after school too) what can i say?I'm hopeless.
It totally  ruined my week too . i was HAPPY. I WAS HAPPY DAMNIT !!! and now that is ruined
-________-
they also stare at me because of how i choose to dress,i tell myself i don't care because i like how i dress.
If they have an issue with tutus ,gold lips, pink tights and satin black dresses thats their problem not mine.
My intake today is a tuna melt
3cups orange juice
tea!!!!
2pieces of chocolate
and 4starbursts

sugary but it kept me going

That same guy ,the one that called me beautiful and amazing still wants to meet with me. I really don't want to. It'd be weird since i'm not interested and B ,because i know he'll just change his mind and think i'm ugly.
The -ex-crush is till grabbing me and hugging me and stuff,its no biggi cause he does it 2 3 other girls ,just me a lot. Pick one already. I don't like him anymore,still love him. Just like a brother though ,i get really annoyed. Hes just like everybody else,so superficial. He THINKS hes being different but hes just trying to set up this image of himself in everybodies brains,the only image i get is fake.

Speeking of fake i saw Barbie (thats what i'm going to call her) kissing her boyfriend goodbye when i was waiting on the steps. Oh how cute. Gagg.
How come guys fall for those fake little prisses ?!
maybe because theyre fake little priss's ?
either way preps annoy the shit outta me.

forever my fantiesy

indulge in my fantisies
i will be my own maker
my own monster
whispers
what i can do
who are they to know

war
over piddly things
selfish stupid people
who torture animals
for fun
 who are they
to judge
while their child gets fat
another starves
not by choice

who are you
to judge me
who are you
to tell me what i can do

a singel bead
a grain of sand
forever nothing
my monster whispers from behind doors
forever nothing
fear
leave a mark
a scarr
on the earth
my fantisies
will be a reality

Surrounded by the highschool undead

HIGHSCHOOL
its different
but the same
same fucking body
same stupid people
stupid posers
why can't we all just be ?
are we afraid
of being exposed
and naked
afraid of being hurt
and left alone
To:M
Don't be a tough guy
i hate that
i truly hate that
i like it when you tell me
something
intimate
and touch me softly
like i'll brake
into a million tiny pieces
smile at me
that little smile
i like it when you talk to me softly

I hate it when
you grab me
like i'm going to run
as if
to show everyone you have me
when you want me
i hate it how
you treat music
like something
something that can't save someone
it saved me
its sacred
you didn't save me
i hate it how
you need to be loud
and impress
you only need to impress yourself
that would make me happy

i hate it when you poke my fat FAT FAT(!) stomach
i like it when you press your cheek against mine
i hate it when you look at me like im crazy
i liked it when you stroked my leg,with your finger tips
and made me feel butterflies
you held my hand for a full hour
mine frozen
yours blazing
i hated how you abused
the fact that i had a crush on you
and you didn't have one back
and made me say
that i love you
darling i don't love you when you make me say this
it was just a crush
maybe if your nice,and do what i like

maybe then
for now
don't touch me
don't touch
my ipod
i won't
say i love you
till you stop acting like a fucking poser

:(

i feel so depressed and bad right now . My first binge in over  a month and it was massive . Its so gross. I got the food out of my system (laxitives) and then my mom made pancakes this moring. I ate too many . no more food today . Just laxitives. Gosh i feel like such a fat faliure . :(((((
i want to purge so bad,but i know i can't. I'm sticking 2 300 cal 2mrrw . I deserve it. I'm such a fat ass failure .

hello my lovelies ! its FRIDAY!!!! best day of the week , especially since this week was my first week of high skool ever !
its so crazy , since my day starts at 6 am in the pool swimming laps and finishes again at 6:30 doing yet more laps
I did the math and w/ dance PE and my twice a day practices im averaging 3-4 hrs of intense cardio a day
whoohoo!!!!
on the down side i pulled my calf n it still hurts .
meh , i don't know if u want 2 here about my stupid teen life . Other than the fat that i feel like i'm a thirty something stuck in a 14 year old body ,or a puzzle piece in the wrong box. I JUST DON'T FIT IN ANYWHERE. Unless im with my friend JP and PL they r pretty cool ,mostly JP though . It's easy to kick it with him ,mainly cause he makes me forget about anything sad and makes me SMILE, like big smile and laugh a lot.

My b*tchy ex best friend decided to go to the same high school. Go figures. I don't see her much. Just enough to seen that my outfits are cutter than hers. Someone should tell her mimes are silent (i like stripes but someone else needs 2 tell her it aint workin on her) .Despite evryone i know i still feel awkward and like i don't belong,like theyres some group of people that i belong to that r missing. Where are the kids that dress vintagy (REAL VINTAGE ) and fun(ny) ? and listen to music that no one else gets? and don't give a damn!o right thats just me. because everyone is  a big fat poser trying to fit in. Well ive decided i'm done ,so what if i stand out a bit ? so what if i wear a white dress to school?or a fancy sequence dress ? or a tie die skirt ?
sue me for not being a cooky cutter poser!!!

Me and some girls i know where talking and it ended up on food , i told them how much i eat and one of them called me anorexic. I felt so proud.

my menue
skip breakfast
l8r on ,eat a bit of fruit
water
more water
a piece of fruit
gatoray
more water
dinner


love u all xoxo -echo

reasons y i shouldn't purge everything i just ate

i've gone without purging since may
acid comes up
its not good 4 me
ive been eating less ,if i purge i'll binge
i'm working hard,everyones so proud about my brilliant progress (those that know )
its risky and often uncontrolable
i'm strong enough to not purge ,i'm strong enough to restrict and count acordingly and not get caught

Waterpolo started yesterday,the girls on the team aren't super skinny so i don't feel awkward other than the fact that they're older than me . I am the only freshman and the slowest,newest addition 2 my schools ladies water polo team . I hate feeling slow ,i hate how i can't keep up with them ,but i'm doing my best and im getting better everyday . They're all super nice about it. It's a killer arm work out like no joke. I looove sports so much and i think i could eventually be pretty good at this one . 

There where some inqueries on how i make my smoothies ,the trick is FROZEN FRUIT ,it makes the consistency like ice cream and it actually gts rid of some of those bad binge cravings . It makes u eat super healthy and you can sneack spinache in there (i can't even taste it but it turns the color different),it also keeps u full longer.

i  usually do 

a banana 

frozen strawberries

acia berry superfood juice

nectarien 

*spinache or green superfood powder (if i have it) 

and that lasts 4 2 meals ,obviously i kinda high natural sugar content but no fat no carbs which i think is a pretty sweet deal .

Other random news will b l8er stay pretty huns !

everyday holds the potencial for beauty ,good luck ladies we can do this

Babies ,Boys, and Menu's

To start off let me just stop myself from appoligizing for rambling ,it's my blog right? :P (haha,yea ok i'm just a lil bit crazy) . All news continues , my cousin had her baby . The actual baby is darling ,you can already tell she's gonna be totally gorgeous (poor daddy) . My poor cousin on the other had ,looks tired and then there's the baby weight. My aunt swears our whole family is cursed,we can be 'skinny' and then one of us gets knocked up we turn into massive balloons .Personally i can't see myself ballooning much more i'd probably explode or something .I'll put that on the list of Cons for Echos List Of reasons 2/OR Not2 Have A Baby Eventually ,but first things first ......i need a shorter name for that list. It's simply TOO LONG. Like ,seriously.
Next on my fabulous list Boys . Um, basically just texting my best guy . What can i say ?hes a sweetheart ,i'm pretty sure he has a girl living inside of him though .He likes major chisme(gossip) ,it'll be the death of him i'm sure of it .
That would be all in this fabulous section(sarcasim )if i had NOT opened my facebook this morning .
Then i wouldn't have found the message from my other guy friend (obviously the vast majority of my friends are guys ,lets call him J) who happenes to have been friends w/  X (best friends,yikes)
that saaaaaid that he thinks that i'm beautiful and amazing and if i'd consider going out w/ him. BEAUTIFUL ??????? boys gotta be blind !!!!!! If i asked one of my other friends in my life they'd probably say go for it since we both:
are pretty weird
have obscure music taste
are smart
get along
and enjoy intellectually stimulating conversations
     But the fact of the matter is i just don't want to ,because i just want to be on my own right know . I probably could really like him if i let myself,but this is the second time J has asked me and the second time i'd have to turn him down this summer . I really hate doing that -____- even for me its mean ,whether you can help it or not rejecting someone is never pretty. Good thing i'm an expert. I don't want anyone to get the wrong idea and think i;m a total slut or anything or that i have like boys foaming outta my ears  ,they're just much easier to talk to than girls and this just seems to happen with ones (the WRONG ONES!) that i get into deep discussions with. Just to paint the picture ive ever only kissed one guy and not even KISS kissed him (sorry for the mental image of me liplocking ,im not into PDA).


Everones favorite section FOOD!!!!! (more sarcasim)
Mine hasn't been great ,especially with The Warden watching me so much,i go in for further tests l8er on  this month . woopee. yahoo. yaya -________-
My new menu will be greek yogurt w/ fruit (under 300) lots of water and tea and then a few stratigec bites of anything else (so The Warden will see) ,then once schools starts (monday yikes!!!)
a smoothie that i'll split for breakfast and when i come home (they're filling and i make them myself)
pack a lunch ,any lunch and then chuck it in the trash
WATER!!!
and a few bites at dinner
all of this with 2-2 1/12 hr training practices twice a day (water polo)
  If i get hungry at lunch i'll grab like ,half a pickle or a packet of hot sause (those actually work)
i need something that will keep my energised ,not coffee . I'm not allowed to drink coffee and i not allowed to drink soda w/ cafeen . Even if i wasn't ew,soda w/ cals . I'm a major health nut even the zero cal cokes freak me out .
wow sorry for the long post
bye my lovlies !!!xoxo
-echo

sorry ive been gone ,anas baaaack

i get so parinoid sometimes that someone i know will find this and think i'm crazy,trust me being a teenager soooo not an easy job. Especially when The Warden is parinoid like you wouldn't believe.

i feel so weak ,i'm eating . but i really have no choice,the warden doesn't say anything but she watches. And i look back at myself from the begining of the summer and i'm not as terrified as i was then. of food.
But my pants don't fit.
My big pants barley fit .
Someone -crazy- anyone else -more crazy- would call this all progress . That i don't flip at the sight of food ,that i don't tremble when i hold a fork . I'm eating CHEESE . CHEESE for crying out loud!!!!!!
this is so scary and i don't want to loose !!!
i feel like i'm part of a giant game and i'm always the fall guy ,im the looser!!!!!
Which is why i'm picking myself up. School starts in a week . No one can watch me . NO ONE. and everything is all me . Its my life ,its my body . I just want to dissapear. You know i thought about running away ,running far away . I don't know where i'd go ,i mean everyone always runs away to california i should be living a dream right? wrong. dead freaking wrong. its not that my actual life is this giant pit of misery ,im sure to anyone else it looks fine just fine .but i'm not normal i don't know its like i'm comletly unique from anyone else . Kill myself . now that would be fun .something quick and strange i don't care if people say that ana and mias are killing ourselves . some of us know that ,all we are is the undead,that little contradiction no food =death right? how many of u have gone days without it? many . and yet u all live . i'm just another little girl hiding in a big girls body that wants to be set free.

a weeks summary ,because i was bored and eeritated

rough day 2day ,everythings a little crazy with school so soon and everything. A girl whos in this church group with me and my sisters said a really nasty comment ,normaly i woulda slugged her or told her off straigh off the bat but it was about my Aunt . The aunt that lives with us,the aunt i always say that i can't stand 80% of the time ,the aunt that actually gets me ,the aunt that deep down i totally love.i swear i still wanna kick her ass. but im not allowed to kick ass in the house of god.
Earlier today i saw all the freshman class. yipee.woohoo. i. am.so.excited -______-
its not that im not ,truly im excited to be there (and not home surrounded by food) all day but theres this other girl (x bff ,if u read my earlier blog posts u noe what shes like) i cant stand her. just can't. i want to tell her off to ,i actually kinda did (in a classy not cussing way) but like a wuss she bolted . sissy. if u can dish dirt behind my back don't mind me telling you whats what to your face. idk but i still want to prove that im not a 'talentless fatass' even if the fatass part is true . so my freshman year goal is to loose 30lb and keep it off.
As for the boy shes friends with him and waaaay to many face book tags tell me that shes trying to dig her b*tchy little claws into him (he used to be into her) that makes me want to cheerfully squeeze her like a bug. :D <----that would b me,riiiiight there. Seriously what kind of person uses 'Totes' ?TOTES . The same one that uses toodles and tries to reanact the pretty commitie from the clique books into her real f'n life. (acording to her,i'd be dylan,notice its the 1 w/ a weight prob) . I hate this. when do they realize that you are the 1 that is totally good for them ?!?! I am damn it!
He's also sending mixed signals ,we skype and IM  a lot and stuff and i really don't like that he still totally flirts when he knows that i'm majorly crushing on him (not that i mind the actual flirting most of the time) .o well i'll end up the 30 yr old single chick thts way 2 into music ,i just noe it.


Dr's are doing a test friday ,checking out the organs and seeing if they even work. i really hate it cause when they don't work right they mess everything else up like my skin and my nails (flimsy nails and really gross acne that is JUST NOT NORMAL!!!) . I went shopping with my mom . I hate it when she yells YOU NEED A LARGE or something along those lines . Its so imbarrising . ok i get it . you have a fat daughter lets go now. I jsut hate it mostly because i know what its like when shes proud of my size , when i was slim and stylish . I'm her barbie doll ,what ever she'd wear she usually buys for me ,but she was skinny so i know deep down,even when she says that my size is fine she knows its not small or pretty. Shes my MOM for crying out loud she lied to me about being overweight practically my whole childhood! and i believed her . I  have to remember not to believe her , i'm done being the fat girl.

Sorry for the long post and for babbling so much ,guess it comes with being a teanager XP
XOXO besO's to you all!!!!let you know how it all goes w/ dr.useless
stay skinny!!

Falling off the face of the earth

Sp that can be my excuse 4 not blogging . sorry about that . A couple weeks ago before i sorta stopped my habit of blogging i went to the dr. my mom told her about the purging . Ugh they make it sound so shameful . She says it could be one of the reasons my orgns aren't working so hot ,the solution.....more meds. Yep you got it! their answer to freak'n everything!
Good news is that i am allowed to be on a liquid diet . so my strick liquid-ness starts today :P
Even better ,ive been draging my mom and sisters to the gym with me and they're all starting to like it a lot !! which me we all almost have something in common! and it gets better ,everyone doesn't feel like eating crap . I'm serious chips ,chocolate,icecream she's not buying it!!!! Now keep in mind that i was quite worried about my mother ,she was on the verge to diabeties and she was super skinny before she was married so i think this is even making all of us happier and get along (that and they're alll tired after we go) . Bad news is the the binges . I hate whining to you all but i truly can't stand myself . School starts in 15 days and i feel like a failure. Orientation is in2 days!!!!!!!!!!! and i look like a big fat load of crap! if this year is going to be some shitty repeat of the last year and a half god take me now! GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR i wish i was strong like all of you .
xoxoxo