today we went and tried on dresses for my cosins wedding. I won't be attending,i will be hiking up at girls camp. Still,i tried on dresses. Fore the fun of it . Dress sizes where i shop run smaller than pant , (my size 0-1 sister was an 9ish) . I used to be an 8,sigh. I worn an 11-12. The dresses where gorgeous in their own right but when i saw me in them all i saw , was every bump on my skin. Every piece of hair sticking up,every roll of fat,everything was wrong. Wrong enough that i wanted to give up. The sad part is that for a minute i actually felt well,almost beautiful in some of those dresses.
I wish that i could honestly feel beautiful and worthy and wonderful but i know that i can't.
I talked to J today,for those of you who know she's a friend.She acts like my mother and she had an E.D. but shes 'recovered' and the poster child of 'i had a problem and i conquered it now im healthy' bullshit.
I promised her i'd recover, and since my mom ended work this week i don't have much of a choice . I am constantly monotored. Instead of therapy i do yoga (an agreement between my mother and i) and ive been eating MORE THAN ENOUGH. So i didn't completely have to lie to her'i told her i would 'get better' truth is once i have school year freedom again i will be back to my ways X1000
I want to diet NOW though but i know i have to sell it . I have to eat :/ so my scrip to J 'i have a problem,i'm getting help and i'm willing to recover' i know i shouldn't lie but i have to and it's MY BODY not hers .She can't really talk because she's got a flat flat flat belly and an ass and boobs that would make Barbie proud to shout to the heavens and say Kelly grew up just fine.
Some of you commented on my last post (sigh,blush) yeah i like him and all but...i'm as scared as heck for real. Like ,i don't even know what i'd say 'oh by the way ,i kinda have a massive crush on you do u have feeling for me to?' LAME ! lame lamelamelamelame! GRRRRRR boys are soooo confusing . I kinda just want to get it over with and say something . I'm known for being very direct (like y'all haven't noticed i kinda have a mouth on me) but when it comes to boys i run. Once even literally . And hid. For two weeks because i liked a guy and he liked me back. So obviously i suck when it comes to speaking guy. I mean what the hell are you supposed to say when he holds u smack dab up against him?! or are you supposed to make out? ....... It's official i'm a failure as a girl.
xoxo
-E
Don't EVERY say you're a failure as a girl!! EVER.
ReplyDeletePlease, you may have self-loathing and all but it comes with you..and that is not a failure. You're dealing and living with your struggles, which is more than many people do. Even if you meant it in a sarcastic manner ... no. Just no.
Hey, I was that way too, running from every boy I liked. Or not running, just keeping silent. Never letting anyone know how I felt. I was a good actress and I assume you may be like that as well. :)
It wasn't until my 20's that I actually acknowledged I had feelings...So, you're not alone.
You'll never be alone ... we are always here. :)
shoot...ever, not every, damn it...so much for the grand impact. Haha, sorry about that. >P
ReplyDeleteYou are never a failure, Echo.
ReplyDeleteEVER.
If you like a boy, you gotta be direct with him, and just be like, "Hey, I freakin' LIKE YOU."
That is what I had to do with my boy.
They are oblivious as hell and chances are good that he will never figure out on his own that you like him or that he has feelings for you.
You gotta point it out for him, lol.
I hope you get things figured out and I wish you the best of luck!
Stay positive, stay beautiful! <3
Hey dear sorry about the dresses I totally know the feeling I use to be a dress size 3-5 now I am up to nine I don't know how your ednos sorry idk how to spell xD is going but I was wondering if you wanted to kinda have a competition with me to see who can lose faster having competition helps me lose like twice as fast so it'd be a win win for both of us... anyway I know I sound like a creeper but if you decide to you can text me 1(812)821-5352 cause I don't get on the internet much so I won't be able to keep you updated that way but if not good luck on your losing on your own :)
ReplyDelete