My mom knows that i have trouble now. She caught me watching an ana documentary on Youtube last night (dumb move I know) . The only thing is she wasn't mad ..... seriously. If anything she was sad. Keep in mind that I've been eating and i doubt i've lost any weight . I've been keeping my promise 2 J and have been doing what scares me the most (eating) . My mom stopped eating when she was in the 6th grade . She STOPED . Well i can't say that i'm not suprised i suspected it (kinda like she said she suspected me) . She's always been stronger than me . Is it sick to be jealous that she could stop ?
I feel wasted (i've never technically been wasted keep in mind) . I had a BIG chocolate bar last night and another one this morning (470 cals each yikes!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!) and then a migraine because of all the rain and driving and stuff. So soda ,3 egg roll , 4 pices of brocolie,1 banana ,1/2 of greek yogurt,the chocolate bar , whip cream (from my cousins graduation cake), a bit of beans and masa and a bit of orange juice. Absolute failure . My mom said she's going to get me help . I'm terrified. I know everything I do will be watched my workouts , my intakes everything. She knows J has been o so supportive of me and 'recovery'(which is true). Apart of me wants to be better and like everyone else but another part knows that i can be so much more prettier,and a better athlete and just better . I'm so afraid . Tomorrow i will fast . I don't care if i have to hide food or my work outs this fast is strictly spiritual. In truth i miss god . I do
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