1st craving for binge and purge in months..................
god help me

swim or dance
swim or dance
 to dance or to swim
 i hate this!!!!!!!!!!!!bah!!!

i want to die

I beat my record, I haven't thought of you in so long
then you popped up on my Facebook page
your name and picture
a picture says a thousand words
I wonder if I will ever find the right ones

WHERE WILL YOU GO ECHO!?!?!

*holding back tears*

bite your lip

show no fear

But....where will I go!?!?!?!?

grab a bag

stash it

in a gym locker

go from friends house to friends house

couch hoping? 

whatever

I hope no one gives a crap about you anymore either
That way you Know what it feels like

I am not ok

Little voices

do you want to stay a fat ass or do you want to dance??
Our future is in your hands
you where born petite
you have small bones
the rest is just fat
you eat to much

and its true

trying to loose 50 lb
thanksgiving didnt help :////

The Boy Who Fell Off a Bridge

you
dated her
she was
the sound
 to your step
the shine
to your smile
o my dear
poor baby couldn't handle it
let you go

running
to me
gave you alternative music
you ran with it
you worshiped me
all-knowing
till
i spun
distracted
tangled
in my own mess
sent you flying
scream-o music
my darling boy

wanted
to mosh
be violent
worship the devil
(if there is such a thing)
"NO!" I screamed
from behind bullet proof glass
"DON'T GIVE IN!" my words left no mark
as you scrambled to be a stero type
fell in line like a blind lemming

No caring look
just vacant fog
no longer enchanted by my smile
those conversations gone
the Stoner girl in my place
I'd throw a blunt off a bridge
let her fall
just to get you back
so I could have my best friend
to talk to
one last time

Mom: Are you doing ok Echo?
Me: mhmmm ya.
* no I am not ok I am fat as hell, I'm breaking out so much i look like a lepar and my spine BURNS*

looking for another dance studio, although the one i'm at is small i feel it is to unorganized. i need to learn more!!!!

What the hell... this stupid thing won't let me see my own or any of your guys' blogs!! how do ichange the settings!?!?!?! HELP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

to: Cuteguy

you should take me to homecoming, just saying <3

FUCK YOU BITCH WHEN I'M 18 I AM GONE AND YOU WILL NEVER SEE ME AGAIN IN YOUR WHOLE FUCKING LIFE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

pizza offerings

mom came home with two gluten free pizzas
peace offerings
1 for each of us
even gluten free stuff makes me feel sick
it makes it hard to breath
I smiled
made them
ate 2/3 of one
all by myself
now i feel like shit

why the hell did I do that?
why did i think that would make her happy?
where we bonding?
i was miserable
i can't eat tomorrow

steps

point your feet
legs straight
core tight
and pray

Sweet Dreams

she was

gorgeous 

in every way

an anorexic dream

perfect 

little bird bones

thin

she floats

on air

her air filled with skunky smoke

even the straight girl

had a little crush

why ?

what led you 

to take

a whole bottle

do the one thing i don't have the guts to do 

of ADVIL

did you want to sleep Beautiful?

where you ready to meet your maker?

that one way pass

wasn't enough 

a hard bed

a hospital room 

girlfriend bedside

your home again

just not the one you where aiming for

how? 

why?

not why did you 

not how come

how did you find the strength to try

to leave 

why at that moment?

now i want

an Advil

Sweet Dreams Gorgeous 

So this is what it feels like?

i feel like
my heart just climbed
up to my throat
climbed
the way you climb
up a mountain
and fell
like Alice
down
down
spiral
BOOM
it hit
the floor
splattered
sank
into
my stomach
the pieces
floating
down sea
away
away
Far Away
some pieces lost
forever
well thank you
for catching it
before it fell
</3

thisfeelingiscrazyanditsback

ate to much
ate to much
ATE TOOOO MUCH!!!!
i havent
felt like this
feel the guilt
the pigishness
everything
that comes with eating
in so long

is it just me
or is this a double chin
flabby arms
monster thighs
a jello stomach

it can't be just me
it can't be
which means
back to work
back
to work
I need to win
Im getting SLOW
i look WEAK

No one is here
no one cares
no one cares about ugly people
get thin
get pretty
now or die

ONE OR THE OTHER

Waterpolo takes so much out of someone. Its time dedication, constant conditioning, and a lot of money. The only problem is dance requires the same thing. I have polo already and I dance twice a week. But this weekend after loosing all three * grimaces* games at the tournement this weekend me and my mum realized the same thing: I can't do them both and be great.
This means that I have to pick one.
I love both but there are things that need to be face, I am a goalie but a short one and I do not have a dancers body either, persepssion is everyhting.
I'm no sprinter, and my dance tecnique isn't where it should be for my age.
I need to pick one, this weekend was so god awful that I think i might actually pick dance. the only thing is i'd have to deal with my mom, with swim i workout everyday FOR SURE 2-3 hours solid. with dance its up to me and up to her and SHE has to be as serious as me. I'm afraid of picking dance, having it fall through the cracks, the other waterpolo girls  improving and me being left in the dust with nothing to show for it.

back bends

my musceles feel like a rusty gate, crusty and out of shape. im just not BENDY this week. I can't bend forward tho with my toes pointed and my legs straight on the floor, it hurts through my spine. it was doing so good a week ago!!!! crap. I have two games to play today. Wish me luck....

you
where my everything
my
thinspo
motivator
comforter
love of my life
no,
for once your name
is not
Mia
I'm
to  imbarassed that
you'll really see it
if i say it here.
you came for me
every time
i pushed
and pulled you
you kissed me
reached for me
pouted
wanted me
till i pushed
to hard
and pushed you
away

you stopped
wanting
reaching
waiting
coming for me
i have learned to be strong again
to stand
alone
eyes cautious
arms crossed
secretly missing
being wrapped up
in someone else

four months
and no texts
emails
pictures.
I am alive
getting healthy
raising my gpa
dancing
drawing
swimming
better than ever

four months
and
i am
just fine.

im slipping.............

a kiss

his kiss
gentle
then once again
against my cheek
is that appropriot?
i shrink
back
and i leave the  room
play it off
smile
my mum is there
but skwirm
feeling dirty
chilly
is it all in my head?
some days normal
others loose
on the run
avoiding him

the one person who knows doesn't care.
then i guess it doesn't matter.....

Demons of the mirror

everyday
i see myself
to many times
to count
and i remember
myself
but not REALLY myself
puking
eyes red
lips dry
stomach bloated
a mirage

every time
i tred
i feel
my knees pop
in and out of place
and remember
the little girl
with long hair
down her back
run
run
running
away from Fat
no matter how bad it hurt

i hear songs
taunting chants
that remind me of my Love
twice gone and never to return
once because Mia
my gorgeous Mia
could not coexist with such
adoration
and second for the sports that picked up the pieces
forced me
back into health
yet all else lost

everyday
i look
i see
i feel
i hear
my own demons
wailing
they cling to me
grasping
and i carry them
on my back
from class to class
will i ever be set free
of the burden
the burden of my demons
destruction
creation
DEMONS
demons
Demons
of my own mind
the kind you never what to admit
but they're mine.
all mine.
demons do not exist without a mind.

screw up

i purged. i don't know it it even really counts. my little sisters gluten free cake with cream made me feel sick. so i threw it up. it wasn't hard. but now i still feel sick.
i don't want it to happen again i've been doing so well. everyone is SO proud of me. this is the last time.
then why do i feel so proud of myself.........

everyones replaceable

my back hurt last week so i couldn't practice in the goal. one of the other goalies asked me whod take my spot as captain if i left the team because of my back? CRAZY BITCH I'M NOT GOING ANYWHERE!!!!!
ON TOP OF THAAAAT , that loca-shit ex.cheerleader girl that tried waterpolo for like,2 days is rejoining the team. I'm pissed that the coach for letting her back on.
She's only back because she didn't make the fall musical. It's funny that shes back now that we've been practicing for nearly 2 monthes and our first game is next week. Everyone is in shape so suprise for her, she's gonna look so weak. I hope they don't let her play because thats not fair to everyone whos been here the whole time. Gawd i hate people like this. in case your wondering about the target on my back its because im captain, goalie, a dancer,an artist and now im finally loosing weight(my big-@ss opinionated mouth doesn't help either).  I need to get in the zone and just find myself a bubble to block out all the crap.

I made a friend and i found out she is a recovering anorexic. now i have one whos curently into anna one whos (like me struggling with recovery only me with bulimia) and my fb anorexic friend. How many more of us are there???

Ballet starts on the first i can't wait my goal (i know its not realistic) is to work supper hard and be on pointe by next summer.

dance monkey dance!

I won't stop till I'm perfect.

what the hell do i want????????????????????????????????????????????

A trip to target and a dose of honesty

My ex's brother works at Target, which i descovered on my last (awkward) trip there (thankfully not to get pads) so I didn't look forward to this one much.
But i just ended up thinking a lot about us, our relationship, my relationship with my dad, and mia and what a tangled mess it is.



He was perfect
beautiful
kissed me
with full lips
looked at me
with lovestruck eyes
every other sentence I said
was funny
his smile gave me bliss
till
we met
in the garden
down the street
crowded with people
i kissed him
like we where the only two there
until...we weren't
pulled away
with a nasty, naughty smile
not for me
the guy behind me
as if to say "ya i'm get'n some"
that chill
the one i get
with my dad sometimes
when he wispers to me
or rubs my arm
ran down my back
sent shockwaves through my body
it ran through me
so i ran from him
hurt him so he couldn't come back
and send a chill like that
through me again
my honest truth to why I ran.

friends since middle school

shes like a mom
but better
edit out
all the crude, judgmental parts
and your left with a sweet person
who calls you 'little mama"
and cracks a funny face
just to make sure your smiling
perfectly put together
........or not

this is where "mom" turns into the child
a slave to ana
water is her best friend
she holds ana's hand
while i hold her other
mia's
tightly around My other
we did
everything together
they push us closer once again
that and our love of dance

with the same goal weight
and goal of a good college
and a career in dance
why not?
she even wants us to take these shots
normally birth control
but are said to make you loose weight
together
"and if we fall in love along the way then we're ready" she says
with a wink

asking about my boyfriend-once-bestfriend
me
i'm just contemplainting
submerged in my own hypocritical thoughts
I don't want my friend, my play mother, my dance partner
to die
at least without me.

Chills.

he looks at me
he won't say anything
just looks
then he'll be there
next to me
"I love you"
in a quick whisper
his hand on my shoulder
or waist
never anywhere else

thats great dad
but
why don't you tell mommy you love her this way?
Why do you look at me? with those hungry eyes?
it sends a chill down my neck

the chill
is it enough?
to feel unsafe
unsure
unstable
dirty, even?
yes.
is there proof?
do I know for sure
has he touched me bad?
No.
Not yet,
just enough.
enough to run
chills down my back

my shorts dont fit!!!!!!!!!!!! which means im getting fatter.
I told my mom and she told me to exersize more. ???????????????????????
1st they tell me i exersize 2 much an now too little???WTF DO THESE PEOPLE WANT FROM ME!!!!?
I need to loose weight so as my precious anas and mias as my witness these are my rules for myself

no excess sugar
no cheese
no eating anything after dark
nothing fried
no cerial

an hour of exercise is in order at the beggining and end of every day.
40 situps in the morning, 40 at night, 20 push ups

if any rules are broken 100 situps 50 pushups and an extra 30min of exercise


wlg1:130
wlg2:120
wlg3:110
wlg4:100


learn it. live it. love it.

muffin tops are not yummy

I skiped dinner last night and i'm so proud of not going back down for a binge.
my back is killing me though!!!!!!!!!!
i feel like i'm falling apart.
but my muffin top...that fat has to GO. Whatever it takes.

HELLO I AM ALL YOU NEED

I feel strange everytime I take meds. Like I'm some sort of medical experiment or something really is wrong with me. But there's good new, my mom and I are trying to get me checked out for ADD (if i really do have it no one would be suprised really) I've never really been able to consentrate for long and everytime i do its actually quite painful. So I might get meds for that too. I'll just be taking meds for everything now won't I!
There really is some good in this though. I looked up the side effects of some ADD medication and they are mainly WEIGHT LOSS and LOSS OF APPETITE. ISN'T THAT AWESOME!! I COULDN'T BE HAPPIER ABOUT THAT! And if will actually help me focus a bit then thats a bonus as well.      

i dont need all that food.
i just don't
it only causes problems
yelling
havok over money
and time
it leaves me with a layer of fat


im starting a new diet tomorrow. wish me luck

What the Hell

what the hell
why would we do this to ourselves
why does our country make us fat
and then make us feel bad?
because its 'our fault'
not ours
yours
yours for selling cheep fatty food
for torturing animals
ever eat anything organic?
a few bites im full
eat out? a few plates im full
this is crap
crap
im 15 and why do i care
why SHOULD i care
I should care
about my family
my friends
my sport
college even
But im hung up
hung up on the fat that hangs off of me
5 years old
no fat on me
so why now
why am i fat
am i fat?
fat compared to what? and who and why the hell do i care??
I just do
And that, is enough to self inflict myself with torture
to love it
and to be afraid of the world around me
to feel like i am constantly drowning without my precious rules

I just can't help but care.

kinda wanna post a picture of myself but im afraid someone will find this blog. itd pretty much shatter my whole family.  i'll think about it

the truth of the matter

the truth of the matter
is i loved
what we had
till i felt like
it went bad
u called
i came
in our secret place

the truth of the matter is
you made me feel dirty
your love
seemed to blow away
the moment you'd come by
I wasnt sure
i was'nt used to
being needed
being wanted
being counted on
that took me over the edge

the truth of the matter is
i left
you said dont go
you let me pass you by
and you never came
i left
you didn't do
what either of would have thought you'd do

the truth of the matter is
i need someone
anyone
to constantly care
to be there
the truth is he's not you
no
no
nope
not the eyes or the lips that had a sweet truth
just for me
but something is better than nothing
especially since you won't come back to
this
and i'm not sure i would either

when your own mother pretty much calls u an abusive bitch.
i wonder how i go this way mom?? cant wait to leave home when i turn 18 .

Mia likes Sex

My shrink told me that purging physically makes me happy. Like sex. Which is probably why sex sounds really good all the time (even though I've never had it and i'd probably get pregnate on the first go because us latinos are just baby machiens like fo reals), because I haven't purged. I feel like such a whore. A dirty fat slutty whore.
I'm dating my best friend, but I'm not over my ex. I love him still. And now I feel like I screwed up big time. I'm not sure if I'm with him because I want to be kissed and touched or if because I was lonley. He's nice to me, and he's always willing to talk, thats probably why I did that. I almost gave IT to my ex, pretty glad I didn't. As stupid and girlish as it sounds and I cant even believe I'm saying it out loud I want him back and I don't know what or how I can make it happen.
I guess like he'd say, only time will tell.

binges

binged today and i dont think i'll be able to stop .
binged friday too , at my aunts birthday

will i ever stop? :(

Deathwish

I want to die.
I'm 15 and a half and I WANT to die.
I'm a sick person.
It'll all just be easier if i'm dead.
Hmm.. then I'd be free....

please let me die...

That shitty poops we call relationships

I never mentioned that me and The Boy broke up. It was really hard on me be my fault I guess.
Sometimes I would just think ' i miss my trigger" Really??? What kind of sick twisted person am I!!? It's true though, since the day I've met him he's been my trigger, my yardstick and when we date my everything. He's pretty much the skinniest person I know and he'd poke me or give me looks and that drove me crazy and simply drove me. Do I miss him? Sometimes. Ok yeah I do.
I'm currently talking to my close friend, The Boy absolutley hates him because me and him have always had chemistry and I like him. And he likes me back and I get to see him tomorrow and most likely he'll hold me, kiss me hello and I'll walk him to his summer courses were he'll introduce me to his friends as his girlfriend.
Because...... thats what I am I guess ^_^
When I told the boy he Defriended me on facebook. I get why hes mad since I told him that I could never ever date this friend and I am. But really??? I mean, He didn't want me.

BALLET FOR HER ROYAL FATTI

Tomorrow I have my first ballet class, I'm taking it for technique purposes that and I can't live without some form of dance constantly being in my life.  I'm pretty intimidated though, in one of the classes ( I can have two classes a week, not bad.) there are mostly younger children. I'm 15, I'm not a child. And they're all thin, its also weird because the teacher that we met about admitions is short. Like shorter than my family short. We're pretty damn short my dad's only 5'7 and my mum is 5'1 . They're also all skinny.

I can't think like this, I WANT TO DANCE. I WANT TO BE A DANCER. So I can't care about things like that I'm working on loosing the weight and putting on the muscele and I haven't purged.

Wish me luck

XOXO
-Echo

you
always hold me
Smile
tell me
you look gorgeous
your beautiful
did you
fall from heaven?

no
i didn't
but apparently
i'm just what you need
and you make me smile
in your eyes
i do
No wrong
Your always here
and that
has never been there

Ribs= Beauty

When you start loosing enough weight that when you lye down or strech out your ribs poke out, I want to be that thin. I want to be the tinny girl

SICK-NESS FOR MY SUMMER,Mexican Hater Cheerleader Joins lation polulated waterpolo team in an atempt to ruin my sanity

Naturally i'm a sick sweaty, sleepy mess over my first week of summer break. All i wanted to do was go to the gym. But the plus side is i'm not hungry. Hardly ever. only a couple bites here and there and then i'm full and done.

I can't wait to start running and dancing and swimming. I also need to lift weights. Theres a new fire being fueled behind my factory de Crazy. A girl. yep. That one girl that you know since middle school. the attention whore, who needs to get in your way. Shes skinny and tall and she thinks she could model but she really looks like shes having some orgasim that belongs to an animal in a zoo. the ape pen for sure. Well that cheerlead bee-otch decided she didn't have enuff power on the squad so shes invading my beloved water polo and swim team!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! And she wants one of the hardest, top possitions there is. I hope she gets trampled. My friend says not to worry because i'm a returner and she thinks i'll make varsity and wont have to see any of the girls my age. Pray for me. p.s She also doesn't like Latinos, and waterpolo is like 93% latino girls!!! You don't like us moves states or something cause we're not going anywhere.

'You need an XXL"

thats what i was told when I got my HONOR ROLE tee-shirt  by the guy in front of me -__-
My heart sank a little bit because I know there are girls bigger than me, I thought we were done being called the fat girl. We? hmm its strange that just came out. We. Me and Mia. I just ate a whole thing of cookies, I haven't done that in so long.....
To top it off I just got weighed, 142.
My back injury is almost better so i can start exersizing again, I'm going to exercise and train harder than anything I've ever done. I need this so bad.
In polo
in swim
in dance
a 5'2 girl should not weight 142 , i need to weigh 130, 125,120,115,110,105,90
i will not stop.

She's ready to try and live her life, she's ready to wake up from a dream a nightmare a horror fest and realize it was just that, a dream.

I hurt my back, its out and it hurts like a mofo to sit for a long time, I'm not allowed to dance, I almost had my slits too. The lists for dance class's go up monday I'm so nervous. It's pretty competitive at my school because there are a lot of great dancers. Iwant to be the best dancer one day. Swim team ended this week but i couldn't swim because of my back. I feel sooooo fat i've been eating so much and i'm really mean because of that but sometimes i look at myself and realize I've smiled, I've laughed and thouroly enjoyed myself a little and truthfully i really need that. I'm 15 I shouldn't want to die, I shouldn't hate myself, I shouldn't be afraid. I want to swim, to DANCE, to SING, SMILE, I want to live.

my friend lost ten pounds doing the no sugar thing so i'm going to try that and then i'm going to also cut out butter and food , its game time ladies and i'm feeling the pressure

dance show next week ,the boy wants to come i really don't want him to see me dance till i feel like i'm amazing
xoxoxo

1st or nothing

took second in swimming for JVgirls butterfly
Im sorta proud of myself
now to get that layer of fat thats covering my abbs so ppl can see my fabulous musceles and take FIRST.

Second place is still loosing, second is still NOT FIRST. It's still good though.


My parents gave me that mentality a bit, my dad never really says I do a good job for anything
I just need to work harder,train more,be better
Be THE BEST

Every dance show my mom ; smile more
more energy
that was good but... and on to the next show....

I guess I'm just an attention deffisit b8tch
I need center stage, but I can't fall on my ass or I'm dead.

The Cycle of Bulimia

Sicentists  and doctors alway call it a cycle of binging and purging but to me its a lot more than just binging and purging. Initially I would say that i would have been more closely associated with anorexia because at the hight of my ED i was excersizing 3-4 hours a day and mainting 3,4,5,8 hundred calories if even that
i was almost at 100 pounds...sigh the memories of being on top of the world and not feeling you were gonna squash it.

I'm really actually quite frantic because I feel like 'recovery' has broken my cycle in a very bad way, i don't purge but i BING AND BING AND BING.
I can'r consentrate ,sleep anything its crazy




List of things im too scared/ to do w/ confidence

Sex- um ya too fat its a major ew

dancing- i dance but its hard,i feel like a hipo

tight clothes- well duh its a no

just walking around

being touched- anywhere a hug a tap anything

eating in public-im scared,id rather eat in a stall


im fat im ugly im usless i want to die

"I'm not trying to get into your pants or anything" good because theres no room for you in them anyways

I've been sick for the last week so no swimming -___- and lots of food. I got in BIIIG trouble for trying to fast monday I lasted till about 4pm before food was practically shoved down my throat and the numbers on the scale have been flying up and down and I'm going insane. I need them to drop a lot.

Good news was I saw my Baby this week <3 I really don't like seeing him when I feel super fat and bloated. that and my skin sux. lyk acne and scarrs all over my back n down parts of my arms. normal girls don't have that. I'm discusting

Im too scared to post a real picture of me so this is me Oct-ish

don't hate me....

no more of this bloody shit
i'm too tired for it im too tired...

Sick, Front row dance show, Swimmers body

So I have recently decided to imbrase my inner chub.
BAH! just kidding!!!
But a bit has been happening for one thing I'm sick, AGAIN. -_____-
I blame  our currently crappy california weather,its like 60 digrees over here!! (that is freeze your butt of COLD). With any luck I'll be up and running soon.

Swim team has had me training like a mad person, my coach knows I can't say no to anything (well at least swimming) so he puts me in all the events that no one else will do. Which means Butterfly and IM (a combo of butterfly,back,breast,free usually in a segmant of 100-500). Im the fastest of the slow ones XP but i almost did beat a boy (victory!). I love swim because its easy to put off weight but i hate it because its harder to restrict when u swim than when you run. ANYWAYS he's moving some of us up which means harder training sessions woop-D-doo.

My dance teacher also put me in the front for a section thats gonna be in the show, its the lyrical portion. which means I must not look like total crap. I am looking into studios for the summer. A friend recomended  one her daughter went too. and her daughter is the most beautiful dancer I've ever seen.


My boy and I will be celebrating 5 months next week :)
I'm pretty lucky to have him, i hate him,i love him,he makes me laugh,but he sometimes annoyes the shit outta me. Which in my brain works just fine for me. Its weird doing the long-distance thing. For one his friends want to meet me :/ like, I've already met his mom and his sister and they like me. But these are his FRIENDS. WHAT IF THEY DONT LIKE ME?
What if they think I'm ugly?
To me i guess thats the real question.

Bipolar haircut

Yep I chopped off my hair. I've been saying i was gonna do that for the last year and a half and yesterday I told my hairdresser I wanted it up to my shoulders. Now, I know for some people thats not short but I'm not Some people. I've had hair that almost reached my butt for pretty much my entire existence.
I loved it and then when I got home and looked in the mirror I almost broke down crying. My face jsut looks so round and the rest of me so bloated and fat, I think it looks kinda like a mullet and I just can't stand anything about me. So i binged. And that same little voice came back and screamed 'eat you fat worthless bitch,eat' and stuffed food down my thoate till it was too painful to keep shoving it down. And my mum came home and I couldn't purge and so for the last day and a half I've binged. Everyother hour I hate my hair and every hour inbetween I'm in awh that I had the guts to cut it all off. 4-6 months till i get my hair back

found a new way to fly . :)

Hello my name is Fattie

my stomach is full and it feels disgusting.
Please make it end.
Fasting for the 1st time tomorrow since I started going to the clinic wish me luck.

Intake:
4 pieces of bread (200)
2 slices pizza
1 bannana w/ almond butter
almond milk
pretzels

a fabulous idea

lets go back to the days where I hardly ate
where i would loose weight
where i was on track to beautiful
yes
lets


p.s want a belly ring
if I can hit 115 I'm going to have my friends (love the Crazies)  to peirce it for me

La Vida Mia !!!!

this is my disease
this is what
has infected my bones
worked through
my teeth
my bones
my brain
so they tell me
all i can believe is me
because thats all i have
is this mess
i call 'me'
the person you should see
instead of my disease
I have
two arms
and legs
a head
so i'm Bulimic?
last i cheked i was Human
do i
disscust you?
people
stare
talk shit
fight
harm
each other
and that
is ok
but me
being'me'
is not?
Darling i am human
deal with it

Gotta Be Stronger

Hi Pretties!

So along with my new goal comes another goal 

to get totally toaned and strong 

I've shifted my focus from pro dancers (which, with any mirical is what I aim to be) to looking at gymnasts. These girls are thin and have a rediculous amount of uper body and core strength,they also have some really great extentions. I'm considering asking for a tumbling class instead of ballet is that a good idea? 

I'm not to sure, I don't want to be learning cartwheels with the 5yr olds (or ballet for that matter :/ ) 

Loves you's! <3

I'm so sick of 'being better'

I hate
"Recovery"
everyone thinks I'm 'doing better' whatever that means to them. My heart is stable and going up and I've eaten things that I, at a point in my life would never ever touch EVER.
I feel like I'm loosing me and thats not what should be happening I should be loosing weight.
I found a picture from about two years ago, at my lowest weight point. My face isn't clear and my eyes are tired,I have less cheek and less fat but over all I look like shit.
Soooo the plan:
(Oh and I haven't purged since november and I haven't had a gigantic binge in a long time so for tht I am happy because B/P makes me gain ALOT)

No cheese
No chocolate (<---- not even sure why i would eat either of these???)
no ice cream (EVER!)
Only two slices of bread a day or 3 tortilas (which comes out to 150, 50 cals each)
There will be at least 2 fruits or veggies with every meal and water or tea

My goal is to loose 40 pounds
thats what it's been and now I WANT IT

SOS (SomeOneShootme)

How the hell are you supposed to believe,trust and love someone who's lied to you all your life?

Teen angst, He wants to get laid????

So me and the BF had a fight , it was stupid. It was because I couldn't come over to day. Although im pretty sure he thought that if i went to his place we would, you know......
It's like do really want me over there just because you think I'm going to shag you???
I didn't tell him that of course, because i don't think i'd really mind much my only issue is me being so gross and fat and ugly.
I broke my own personal record  i was mad at him for almost more than 18 hours, pathetic right? Right.




Mia is begginning to haunt me again, its so strange to feel it just as they beggin to give me more freedom.
Not exsactly freedom per say just less therapy and actually being allowed in other rooms that aren't occupied by other people. The shackles are being loosened.


I feel almost to restless to even be contained in my own body, I just wanna do something outrageous, go somewhere,do something! I'm not totally sure what I want. It could just be teen angst talking...or Mia I'm not sure which is which sometimes


Random question what would you ladies say is the biggest turn on ever for you???
All awkwardness aside I'd deffinetly say when he nip/kisses my cheeks and won't let me go

The suitors

Hey "baby"
Hey "honey"
Hey "darling"
guess what?
I am not your damn property
not something
you can
pick up
whenever
and cuddle
like a little bear
I bite
I kick

I am waiting for him
my love
You know that
your stronger than me
the other
will not
stop
trying
to talk to me

if I
let you go
do not pick up
never reply
I am buisey
or i don't want to talk
not
mean
or cruel
both sweet
with
a secret
a secret blade
intensions
running
i see
not so innocent
my only intension
is to just wait for him.

FaceBook Ana Mia groups

This post will end up somewhere between biast as heck and a rant, I'm 98% sure I was jsut kicked off the pro-ana/mia face book group I was apart of. Did I offend someone? I have no clue. If I did I have no clue what I said that could have been offensive, I do not know if Facebook has the power to shut down said groups but needless to say people have been kicked out before. If you are not part of a Facebook groups there are plusses and neggative things, lots of debates that get really intense (which means one comment and you will be spammed for life). It is however, a great way to share progress pics,blogs,links and find other ana/mia's. I'm almost certain that at soem point the human affect kicks in and some people forget that it's not about anything but the goal (whatever yours may be).

In other knews my forced 'recover' is going desently. I feel like one of those tinny plush backpacks the ones of like a horse or a dog that has a loopy-thing so you can hang it by it's neck?
Thats me. Hanging by my neck.
My heart has gone up and my weight is "stable" I haven't been weighed in almost a month so I'm very very afraid of what that's gonna look like. I'm aiming for musceles but that still doesn't stop the old habits . The doctors and therapist and parents of the world just need to come and realize that no matter how hard they try Mia is apart of me and they cannot fix me, there is nothing to fix. A good friend of mine was anorexic, granted she still goes without food when she feels like it. She does anything when she feels like it.
Me and the boy are still an item <3 don't hate me but I'm relly super into him and he's super into me. I just don't have a lot of time for a realationship but i really really want to keep him!!!
Living two hours away and having a crazy schedule doesn't help. Ok honestly is there like, a guide book to making out and the differnet 'bases'!?!? because I feel like both of us never go the memo!

He's getting me a present for Valentines Day and I might not competely hate on the holiday for once in my life. We'll see. Song- Lykke Li - Tonight

AW POO!

i totally had a new post for you guys buuut it got deleted. life sux.

Rule#1: Show no emotion,no love,no happiness this way everything is always fine

I will never forgive me for driving me and not telling me that first day to the clinic
i don't think i can ever love or look at either my parents the same again.

Straight Girl crush

i like
your hair
the way
you never say anything
is so
strange
alien
just a look
not even a look
i want to be like you
my thinsporation
my little living thinspo
is this
twisted admirations
simply that?
is it something
more
something
unclean
frowned apponn
forbidden fruit?
i must look away
or else
i will
have to give away
another
much like you
yes
but not so
I must look away