I can honestly say that this is one of those moments where I could lob off that dumb doctors head. I want to restrict so friggin bad its not even funny, I've wanted to this weeks and I hate thinking about all the pounds i could have lost meanwhile I still look to damn fat.
I just have to be pacient. Thats all it takes. Swim starts at the end of January and the Warden goes back to work soon(finally!!!).
Of course it isn't only about the weight I just feel so sad theres no other term for it. I don't like being near anyone in my emidiate family, I don't want to eat, I'd very much rather die. Can't they see that they are just prolonging my life till I leave?
I want to die. And I admit it.
Die or leave.
I know I'm just fourteen and I have nowhere to go but I can't wait to get outta here forever. I'm almost possitive I won't come back sometimes.
I hate myself for hating everyone but i can't help it, who do they think they are?!
My mom cannot help me get healthy,shes the reason I'm like this! And shes on the edge of diabedies herself so obviously she's not even helping herself,my dad had a big o'l belly from eating forty million cookies and chocolates and my little sister is all bones and head. I feel bad for hating her sometimes, because she does love me but I don't go anywhere near her. Shes all legs and all bones,perfect skin the only thing thats a bit odd is her poofy hair but with the scene-esque haircut it looks great. 4 more inches and she can officially model its sickening because all she wants to do is play computer games.

long-ass post sorry

Really Inside

I can't
take off
my wings
stained with a glassy seal
that
sparkles
but its heavy
tying them down
chaining me
to my forsaken
earthly grounds
it
shimmers
you look alive
but really
its just another way
to fool you
I'm dying inside
to sparkle
to shimmer
to fly
to die
to die
die
die

As a Result...

As a result of everything:
As a result of the hard time me and the boy have had seeing each other (literally) he's coming over today and he got me a christmas present (which he spoiled for me). Its gonna be akward because my family is home and it may take a lot of will power not to tackle him and end up kissing him like a maniac (because thats just what happens with me,not that he minds sorry for the visual). He and I have declared that we are in 'love' about a billion times within the last 72 hours and he has renamed me "His Everything" and "Beautiful" .

As a result of a return to the clinique my heart isn't up enough for their standards,but I'm allowed to play sports so long as I eat accordingly (something I don't really wanna do).

As a result of this crappy break I'm stuck with my family for two weeks, I don't want to be here.


The part that bugs me the most is the clinic, I don't want to eat more. My breakfast comes out to about 300 calories! Thats more than I'd eat in a day when I restrict!!!!!!!  You know you'd thinkk they'd eventually ask you if you even WANT to 'recover' !!! But I guess thats not important seeing its only your life an not theirs.

Dumb therapist!+ Echo is sexually frusterated+plus the balance game= an interesting outcome in the near future

It's been awhile...But I guess I always say that. My mom has officially placed me in a recovery. I hate my therapist, uuuuuuuggghhh she a supper fat bitch. If your going to talk to people about being healthy and stuff why would you stick an overweight person in a room with a bulimic to try and convince them?????? (no offence if you're overweight) it just seems like a dumb idea in my mind. BUUUUUUUUUT  i've lost five pounds yaya! im at 138 currently and i'm going to try and loose 3 more this week. I have to do it sort of slowly because the therapist is the one that weighs me.

Balancing everything has become difficult, my friends want to know why I can't go out on friday nights (I'm at the cliniqu on fridays duh,but they don't know and wouldn't understand that.) what happened to neat-freak-me and all that other stuff. I'm depressed,what else is there to it?
Me and the boy *Q massive sigh*  It's so hard for me to even see him, I'm not allowed to date till next year and he lives a bit far (ok fat for someone who doesn't have a car,cut us some slack we're like,14). Is it wrong to trust him at that other school? I've known him a pretty long time and he's a NICE GUY. You know the type The nice guy,the one that always lets you borrow money, walks with you at lunch if you have no one else to hang out with, and will totally end up giving you his jacket eventually if your cold? Yep well thats him. He hasn't even really made out with me, that may be a problem. LADIES AND GENTlEMEN  I ADMIT IT! I AM SEXUALLY FRUSTERATED!!!!!!  But is it so WRONG what I'm asking? I don't think so, my only thing with him trying something is him seeing me all gross and fat and so i guess its a little bit good . So i could get myself in the 120's before anything happens.


wel this is a stupidly long post . sorry. love you all!!! mwah! hit me up or email me whenever

A heart rate of 52

please
let me go
don't let it torture me so
I could be a happy child
Next to my father
above
just let your angle
go home
with a heart rate of 52
i was on my way
i feel
i felt
fine
just fine
if i had slept
quietly
and never woken
what would they think
Finding me there?
a little girl
made of cold stone
my guess
is realize
that they could never make me happy
but i guess
We'll never know
till next time....

safe his break,mine (heart)

if he saw me everyday
he would
hate me
think im ugly
but he doesn't
ever
even when i am super ugly.
he doesn't see me
even once a week
its like
 once
a month
thats not healthy for a relationship
even for a girl whos not supposed to be in a relationship
its no good
i should just dump him
so he can move on
and find someone whos there everyday
and not to talk on the phone with
or text 24/7
sigh
this is what happens when your 14 and you know your in 'love'.
opinions from my oldr anas& mias would be greatly appreciated

fat fish in a tiny bowl

its like
being that fish
the fat ugly fish
the one everyone has
as a little kid
in the
too-tiny-but-will-make-do
bowl
that fat fish
swimming in usless circles
i am that fish
and all day
people look
my family watches
everytime
im not asleep
im scrutinized
but then, nothing is safe
up
down
by the way
i still hate
myself
that will NEVER go away
so just give up
stop wasting your time
because we all know
that fish will die
no matter how much you feed it.

so far i have lost 4 pounds, i get weighed again tomorrow @ the clinique my goal is to drop another 10 cross your skinny little fingers for me you lovlies!

recovery doesn't do shit

they hav me eating 'normal' and im just about ready to explode. I want to die. there's no other way to put it. Things that used to fit a onth ago don't anymore. and i just want to find some way to dissapear but they've taken that too....

peek aboo i c u < 3

he looks at me
holds me against his supper lanky body
and
calls out
my flaws
i look down
ashamed
hating
he kisses my cheek
i SEEEEE YOUU
and your beyond beautiful <3
of course
i have to smile
because for a minute
i believe him
and i
kiss him back <3

A deal with the devil

I haven't been on in a while and I see I've lost some followers, oh well your choice.
My mom took me to an eating disorder clinic (thanks to the stupid gastrointeroligist -_____- )
My heart rate was 'too low' a last week and they told me the same thing about my blood but i felt FINE!
Sooo they dignosed me with bulimia nervosa. I'm officially a mia. Wow thanks doc even i could have told you that. The part thats the scariest isn't the actual doctors because they're actually pretty nice,its the fact that they are so nice and that the waiting room is so pretty, I couldn't help but notice though that everyone i saw there at the clinic was thin. And i'm talking thiiiiiiiiin. So where do i stand?
My mom is too monitor my meals and makes sure i get a CRAZY AMOUNT OF CALORIES (over 2000) and then watch me for 2 hours so i dont purge. I'm lucky though because i'd stopped purging for a little while before this and so my heart rate went up so i'm still allowed to exercise!!! yaya!!!!!!!
They said that if it goes up enough that they'll even help me loose a bit of weight safely and help me learn to maintain it. I'm not sure if this is a lie or anything,it SOUNDS like a like but once i get into that 'healthy zone' you can best believe that imma make it DROP :)
In a way it was a sort of relief, talking about it. I've been crying and screaming myself to sleep every night. Sometimes i couldn't breath and wanted to wash my face but the mirror was right above it and looking would only make it that more painful.
xoxxo

darling i love u , but i love the bones more <3 and i don't think that could ever change...

always aim for nothing (empty)
always aim to push past
the exaustion
the pain
the hunger
when your legs are heavy its because your fat
always aim to make everything you do look easy

because thats whats gonna be the hardest .....

recovery talk(sorry for the rambling)

i never recomend recover to anyone, even though i've leaned into it so many times.Good for you if u have,i just now i would never be happy like that,i was forced to 'recover' without knowing it because i didn't think i had an ED but i guess after a while i self-dignost. I haven't purged in like a week but i've binged like crazy,i'm sure i've gained a million pounds now. I need to loose it. I have to there is no other options. My boy is visiting on the 23 and quite frankly i'm afraid of that. I kinda just want to ask him for some space right now because i feel like such a faliure and fatass( i wouldn't say that though,even though he knows i purge,i know he doesnt understand,his little-boy-brain cannot fathom such things). Maybe it was dumb of me but i know he liked me because my hair was down,i wasn't wearing baggy,dirty clothes and i'd lost a considerable amout of weight and now im scared..... he says he loves me because i was nice to him. Thats also cause hes never had to deal with the bitch MIA brings out of me.
My dad wants me to be perfect too. he made me cry again today.
i need to be THE BEST
otherwise somethings wrong with me. It's like i'm defective otherwise. I'm not eating tomorrow and then i wille at very little monday and tuesday and for the rest of the week. My long term goal is now 99 pounds. Last time i checked i was at 136 (before that a few monthes ago it was 147)  i'm sure its back in the 140's now and i hate that. I need this so bad.....
i almost told my new shrink but i know i can't! i know i NEED TO DO THIS . i belong with all of you i cannot have anything else i would go crazy if they wouldnt let me purge or count or exercise or see my beloved thinspo and keep my Goal book
i just,i want to cry everytime i see that fat girl in the mirror....

ive binged so much in the past week its not even funny
i doubt my dress is even gonna fit no w so i'm fasting till monday because i think thats what it wil take for the damage to be a little undone
then i will begin countiing my calories again and staying away from anything w/ fake surgar or preservatives
I saw a therapist for the first time,she was ok . I don't really wanna go back but to be honest it might be kinda nice having someone that u can talk to. I just KNOW that she's gonna have to report to my mum eventually and when she does i will be intrigated. I didn't say anything that everyone doesn't already know. We'll see......

my sister and her friends were being jacked to me i h8 them so much,and the boy is sick :/
right now things just suck
xxx
gonna try and harvest what little sleep i can

how can i get more up wen i purge , wats the best way to hide food, i hide it ok most of the time but not great i lack control because im a fatass faliure

didnt think ballet and jazz would suck the hip hop right outta me wtf....

its been forever

This is kinda weird, I haven't blogged in a long time. Or it feels like it. SOOOOOOOO me and the Ex,well lets just say he can no longer go by the Ex ;)
It's kinda cool because we worked things out even though we're long-distance (long distance for a couple of teenagers is a half an hour,don't judge!).
The only bad thing that has happened is I sent a facebook message ment for my ana/mia buddy and it went to him.
He thinks its a 'problem' mainly that i'm suicidal. He's all like 'it's because i care about you' and the purging thing is apparently discusting, i know he thinks it. Whatever its not his buisness anyways so screw it. Other than thaaaat i'm doing pretty well
i've lost ten pounds of fat and i've put on all this beautiful mucele,yes i still purge but whatever. I'm getting better at it. I fit into a dress that i haven't in a long time, only i wasn't even that happy now i want it to be loose because i'm still massive. Everything fits looser. Water polo ended and soccer is starting, i refuse to give up my polo shape! it will take me an eternity to build up that kind of stamana in a pool again and i need to not be one of the slowest girls on the team next season. Cross your fingers for the soccer tryouts 
i missed all of you 
xxxxxx
3cho 


p.s 
List of things The Boy (The ex is no longer called X anymore :P )
calls me
More than beautiful
cute
smart
baby 
princess
unicorn (i was a unicorn for halloween XP) 
His echo 
babe
beautiful 

LOL Miss SkinnyNinny is right :p
the Ex and i have addmitted said feelings to eachother
we're hanging out this weekend with some old friends it should be interesting
hes sorta a trigger
hes tall and lanky and kinda perfect
i was short and smaller (im looking @ the pics and the closes i was kinda tiny)
im 136!!
whoohoo!!
gonna try and be 131 by friday
i put on mucele so i dont mind to much but i want to be tiny
i want people to ask me how i do it it and be jealous :p
im kinda happy right now

he makes me happy
even if we're just friends , hes always been one of my best friends
ok im in full out cheesy mode im not gonna annoy anyone else tonight
xxx
good luck lovlies ! wish me the same !

baby im the gun and your my trigger <3

on my way to skinny
my grandma stopped by and she kept telling me how thin i'm getting
im not seeing all the results i want yet but im just starting i guess :/ i wish it would happen faster
but better slow thn never


the warden (my mom) is being evil again
whatever
like i care
im tempted to chop of my hair and color it ever color i can afford to buy just to piss her off
what can she do once its done?
nothing thats what
but no
ill save that for another day for after im skinny and can pull off anything.
Been talking to the Ex its flirty friendly ,more friendly than flirty really. he thinks im cute,and pretty
he never called me that b4 .
i guess we're both just different people now...not that either one of us minds

honestly its never the boy that disappoints me
its the girl that i think i know

Skinny bitches

just because
ur naturally thin
u get what u want?
even if u have
an ugly face
and crappy-poser style
ur bod is fine
u get whatever the hell u want?

u steal the freak'n dancer wings that are MINE
my THING
MINE
MINE
MINE MINE MINE
even ur descusting beer belly
is smaller than my stomach
YOU guzzle and u smoke shit
and u pretend to dance
a dance
that i feel is sacred
u don't give a shit about music
ur draped around him
i know ur still looking at her
because u looked at me like that
i'm 90% sure
skinny bitch
u don't give a damn about him
poor guy

maybe im just bitter
one of us can still pretend we're perfect

i remebember the day i ate a whole cake. and threw the whole thing up

what do u do when the only thing you know is self hate?......

feel that earthquake? that'd be me

i feel like an idiot for having feelings for a guy who was just messing with me and i didn't realize it. I feel freak'n stupid!!!
i feel dumb for having a the same crush as my skinny best friend
they're going to be so cute together watch

and i am just going to be be that fat pimply girl with the glasses on the sideline once again

n now i don't feel anything except the desire to die

stats , why am i not loosing any weight!?!?!?!?

exersize-2-3 hours a day
food-500 + a day :(
hight-5'3
last recorded weight -140 lb
lowest recorded weight -115.6
highest recorded weight-148
current weight unknown
current fear of food-(10 high 1 low) 7
purging- 1-2 times a day

i like it when i lye on my back and my ribs stick out and how my friends in my dance class think its creepy. I do so well with beggining my diets everyday i don't eat till about 6 o'clovk when the fam comes and then i eat like a mad person . And i h8 myself. I purged up a whole sandwich,two bananas and a handful of pistachioes and took 3 dulcolaxes
and then i kept down some other stuff and i'm driving myself mad because i don't wNT ANYTHING IN ME ANd iwant to die and kill myself and i hate evrything about me. And i like feeling hungry and yea i just h8 that.
i wanT my muffin top gone and i want the swelling to stop and i need to be thin.


I got asked out (via facebook) by a guy i know. Total player i said no,it would have been nice to have a bf and wear his football jersey and all that cheesy shit but i just can't bring myself to be around people often.

i want to wake up,slip off my night clothes,look in the mirror and be ok with the girl looking back at me

almost home

blue tape
marks the lines of the tiny stage
in the Black box
the last three counts
forein
the pop music
feels comfortable
like an old pair of sweats
cross legged on the dance floor
a painful stretch
beautiful
everything is comfortable
till people start
to look at me
i can only dance
in the dark
a moth
graceful and light
in the black of night
behind sealed walls
Up again
comfortable again
to twist
and shake
without being accused of trying to be
sexy
when all i ask is beautiful
i'm different
but a dance room

almost feels like home again

balaaaaablaaabllaaaaaaaa XO

i saw my Twin yesterday,hes my best friend from nerd-camp XP
 He's like a hardcore punk ,i totally love that. I love being surrounded by little freaks like me. He's always saying he wants me 2 hook up with his band and write for them or something,totally tempting.
They need a bass player. I don't play bass but he said he'd teach me the cords if i can get my hands on a bass,i told him to give me a call.
Strangly enough the Warden is always telling me to join a band as a singer,she doesn't get that it doesn't work that way. Funny,she wants me to get all the remwards without doing any of the work,like i don't know.....ACTUALLY LEARNING TO WRITE ACTUAL MUSIC.
Sux
But hey i needed to see my twin.Everyone else is stupid. Stupid and totally over emotional. The only thing that gets me really emotional is food,i have descoverd this week that i am an Emotional Eater. And this has to stop if i want to keep dropping weight. I have to drop weight for the sake of soccer season. And i want to look great.

I prefer being alone these days,but i think i should reconect with one of my old aquantances and her friend. Shes a sweet girl,not some crazed attention whore. And her friend is a silent mystery,she reminds me of my cousin for some reasoon. They look nothing alike.

xoxo to anyone who still actually reads my boring blog
p.s im gonna post some picks soon

ive lost quite a bit of weight from the summer and i have a lot more muscele now 2 . Everything is firmer.
Bit i still look and i still hate everything.
I can't NOT eat for a day,for fear of passing out in the pool,and i don't want to be the slowest,i don't want to loose muscel and water weight,that weight doesn't matter. I want to loose FAT. and i will.
My mile gets faster every time,soon i'll be back to my 7:50 and then i'll b running 2-4 miles for fun again.
My saw Vv today (ex bff) now she's the one with a big muffin top. I still have one but hers is worse (and at least i know how to dress mine) all i can say to that is karma's a B*T!H  .

I'm still looking and i don't see anything pretty yet. It's better but its still absolutly gross. The Warden said she'd pay for ballet school!!! i'm super excited ,this is what i've always wanted,i want to be a dancer even though starting at 14 is really l8 i think i could do it. And ballet teachers stress weight maitnance so  that makes me happy.
I feel like high school is a wast for me,pro atheletes don't NEED school,i should be sent to a dance school and be training for waterpolo and soccer but no. Biology and Algebra are apparently more important than my choice career. Everyone can go to hell.
Nobody knows a thing about being an or mia ,a lot of girls talk and i get defensive,they're so stupid and dumb.

binging

im so ashamed at what ive done
i will not eat
i am fat
fat fafatfatfatfat fatfatfat
i am ugly
uglyugluyuglu
im so ashamed

another reason 2 b

ok! be like that then!!!
i want to be skinny so you'll want me like i wanted u so badly
and so i can push u away
because i don't want you
because i know what a shit head u are
you'll want me when i'm beautiful
everyone wants the beautiful ones
and then i can pick
whoever i want
and then pretty words will run through everyones head
after all Beauty is Power
SEXY
HOT
BEAUTIFUL
sKINNY
fINE
Perfect

is my goal
when i'm done
even though i know i will never be done

HOW CAN I AVOID EATING DINNER

some tips would be gr8 . thanx

a yank by the wrist ,a yank back into reality

all jewlerey must come off!
In horror as my team mates yank my pro ana braclete off my wrist
it has never come off
its been there for months
its simple
a piece of red string
nothing special
except to me
am i sacrificing ana for this sport?
as long as i loose weight i'll be ok
i'm gaining muscle
i'm (almost) eating normal
i feel discusting
Ana is yanking me back into reality
smashing my face against the glass
so i can see
the emotional
fat
FAT
FATTI
i'm becoming
no
thats not allowed
the cold
quiet
almost perfect
skinnier girl
must come back
ana's bracelet is gone
but my dirty secrete
my addiction
lives on

grraah!!! whats wrong with me!??!!? i can't stop thinking about him!!!!
i hate this! i need to FOCUSE !!!!

MY EATING' NORMAL ' IS BECOMING TO MUCH . I'M LOOSING CONTROL .
EMOTIONS ARE FOR THE WEAK
FOOD IS FOR THE FAT
LOVE IS FOR THE NIEVE
I DON'T NEED TO BE FAT
I'M NOT CHOOSING THAT PATH AGAIN
I WILL BE THIN AND BEAUTIFUL



i just want to be that girl ,walking down the street in jeans and a t-shirt that everyone stares at.

i realized no one knows a lot about me so leave a comment and ask a question about anything,my personal life,my ednos anything
xoxo

one door closing,another door opening

SO i was talking to my dear MettleHead and hes a sweetheart. Sometimes i forget how sweet he is to me. I was talking to him all night after one of my games and i was also talking to Tri at the same time. She was tellign me about a guy and then i started teasing her that i don't know him and i should meet him. And she kept telling me that i was 'weird' and not to be 'weird' in front of him. REALLY?!?!?!! Shes stranger than me! and then she goes on like i'm going to ruin everything -_- SHEs one of the reasons i never got alone time with the Ex. Long story short i'm just in shock that she's turning into ONE OF THEM. Whatever. I guess i'm to WEIRD for her.
SO i was talking to MH (i'm just gonna call him the boy,ok cause my mettlehead is just tht .) 
and i was crying over my fight with Tri and he was nice to me. Ya ok we flirt a lot. He calls me baby and sweetie and it LOOKs like its something but it not.... at least not yet.
I asked him what'd he'd think if i still had feelings for him and he said that 'nothing would change.'
and that he likes me too. 



(:


i very much like that. and i liked that he's stopped poking me and grabbing me hard and he's started just holding me kinda soft and putting his face really close to mine. I feel small next to him. Small and cold. Because he's sorta big (like built not fat,i can't even look at fat guys like that) and he's always warm and likes that i'm WEIRD. He doesn't like that i hate myself though. He calls me gorgeous. Theres always room for improvment. He never complained that i stopped dressing really baggy and dirty like a guy and starting doing my hair nicer. My point is proven. I just sorta wish he'd make a move... should i make a move? all i know is that i need to loose another ten pounds,i've been loosing and i've been eating. I'm very proud. But i DO purge. >:D

i just want to be pretty

i told my mom the massive dinner i had and she was proud of me. sHE would have been prouder if she knew i didn't purge it :/
i have to eat regularly , its the only way to keep the swelling down and loose again. NOTE:THIS IS NOT RECOVERY. This is doing what i have to do,and that is all. I need to keep up with my swim team and i need to stay awake and i need the jump start for my metabolism and the bloating to stop,and i need the pike for my inhancing workouts
i should loose 15 lb by febuary at the latest if not more
i'm taking baby steps,to somewhere
I watched a video on the first black woman starting dancer for the american ballet company and shes tarted when she was 14. I m not black but now i know that my dream is possible and that makes me happy

thoughts of one with daymares

i hold the food up to my mouth and my throat gets tight and i think 'fat .fat. FAT!'
sometimes i make myself swallow it
is this normal?
is the bloating from my weird eating habits ?
i don't know if i'm normal
I'm not skinny
im bloated
unless i stick to liquids and lolipops
is this normal?
but im not skinny!
i have muscel
but not enough
am i ok?
for thinking
how will i burn this?
can i purge this?
for exersizing
even in the shower
for wanting to be the best
for wanting the mucele
the thin
the flexibility
to do anything
i look and think
am i ok? beause i'm not even thin yet.

poke her face not her stomach!

Dum little MettleHeadl likes to show off and put his arms around me in front of everyone,he also tries to takes MY LOLIPOPs. Anyone one who knows me knows that that and touching my face are no no's. We're not together or anything,i'm actually super pissed because he's such a downer. Just because he can't sort out his shit he doesn't want anyone else to,darling the world will move on. #1 pet peeve was he POKES MY FAT STOMACH. Which apparently he just had to do in front of his supper cool (i think so) new friend (that has sweet music taste and is supper chill). Who eventually poked me ALSO in the stomach! Know on a normal day i can deal,because i'm a big girl. But on five hours of sleep and running on almost empty because u can feel urself gettign fat again i was PISSED.
So i acted like a jerk off in front of this super cool new guy. Nice Echo. Real nice.

Intake is good today,i'm very proud . My gross lovehandle thingys are dissapearing
i want to drop 2-4 sizes by febuary
thats how i measure ,because weight is desiving (and i don't have a scale)

i hate it when i'm right

intake
toblorone
lolipop 60 cal
toast 280
salad 10(?) (iceberg letuse ,lemon juice,salt)

I hate it when I know I'm right about something bad. My doggie has cancer,his days are numbered and I don't think I can take it. I want to just put him down because whats the point of him suffering? He's on pain meds and he won't eat or drink (hIs RibS and bones are showing,hes dying and one of my first thoughts was that it isn't fair that he's skinny! Im cruel) very much. And he seem down. Its really my sister dog so she's keeping him around even though we found out for sure only today. I don't want him to suffer,times like this i hate that i'm right.

let me be hopeful,let me have faith,let me try and be happy

NOW u admit u liked me!?!?
great we could have been together when i thought u were brilliant
now ur just pissing me off
but not because of that
because u don't believe
in healing
in people
in being  better
i've gotten better
i'm not the
girl in the baggy,dirty sweatshirt
the night time binge monster
plotting her suicide
wait
for her uncle to come
come for her
wait for someone
to love me
one thing hasn't changed
Something controls me
my eating
I feel horrid for everything i ate tonight
but whats wrong with saying
it's ok
i'll be
better tomorrow
our friend is better
and HE is happy
don't
be mad
and jealous
like i know u secretly are
that he's healed himself
and my cuts and wounds are stitched
because they're still tender
but we're both almost happy
and your not
let us be hopeful
if i fall i fall
and i won't complain if u ever get to say
that u were right

a baby medusa

i see my face

trapped behind the glass

and pray 

that the glass will lock her in 

i run
the door
is wide open
the monster on display
the innocent
turn to stone
she's not a mother snake
amongst pray
shes starring
eyes wide
trapped behind the scarred,bloody face
the ratty hair
my legs run at an even,steady pace
down a hall
the walls are dark
the face glows
theres only so much i can take
my hands
fumble for the lock
i need to trap
this horrid beast
bloody nails
a part of her
she wants to be released
even though she's ugly
a reach
to touch her cheek
a cool hand strokes me
in shock
its too late
my monsters
been released
for all to see
as ugly as a face can be

Game plan for a great year

first water polo tournoment . its hard and i'm slower than everyone practically,they're all stronger too and skinnier. My goal when i was at my lowest weight was just to be fast ,the fastest. I loved the feeling of my feet flying on a track and having effortless breathing,the endorfines rushing to my head and fingertips. :)
I think that should continue to be my goal in this new sport, to be fast and strong. I'm loosing weight but then again i restricted excelently last week. When i flex my stomach i can see the 6 pack lines,now time to get rid of the fat covering them!!!!!!!!!!!!
So my new plan :
go to practice everyday
go to ymca and practice swimming for an hr
and then weights
in free time : run ,jump rope
and then i still need to go to yoga , i need it to mellow out.
Last summer me and my rents had a deal ,i went to yoga and they wouldn't look for therapy or a self esteme class or something for me. Easy deal. Work out instead of therapy.
My dad and sister went. I didn't get a "good job" or "u were great" or "that was awesome!" after the game.
i never do. Instead i got "that looks hard,u need to be in really good shape to keep up with those girls."
Gee thanks. I'm used to this though. My mom is worse. Good was never good enough. Even at age 8 dancing, "smile more,shoulders echo!, FULL OUT"

SO THE NEW GOALS ARE:
The designated workout plan above
no progcrastinating (this mean i won't be writing often)
get left and right spits by the end of the year
get double piroette by end of the year
get faster at swimming!!!!!
make mile time 8min instead of 9
six pack!!!!!!!
great grades


I tried on my old pants,the leg part fits and its loose around the butt(!!) my bras don't fit either,everythigns falling off me and my thighs are tight and tan. My stomache.... :/ (need i say more?)  I'm determined to be optimistic though, i can do this,i have to do this. I want the weight off for my birthday party in february. I still freak over food,i think if my diet is fairly clean i will be ok,salad is ok. I will eat salad.

forever nothing

it'd be so much easier to die
so i wouldn't have to fake anything ever again
but i don't want to be one more girl that died
in the paper
on the news
'so young'
'so full of hope'
'a waste'
more like a relief
from everything
but i can't
i cant be
just one more girl
that stabs herself
one more that goes missing
that overdoses
because that leaves me as a forever nothing
nothing
but rotting in the ground
to be forgotten
by everyone

on my way to thin

you now your doing well when the shorts that havent fit in over 8 monthes vip up
now time to fit int the dress

whatever u call it

i really have no choice anymore
i couldn't eat till i got home today and i still hid some ,spit some and purged most of it
and then i did squats and high legs and i had a water polo scrimmage and dance class today (to give u an idea of what i burned) .
i couldn't find anything ok to eat
i couldn't find anything low enough in calories
something that i could keep down
and i can't control it
i'm not anorexic
i don't make the qualifications
i used too (make them ana athletica)
i have never been officially dignosed
i am not thin enough
my hands twitched all of today
my leg bounced
the food came up
but im still bloated
from the purging

all i know for sure is
'ana'
ana
the little voice
my companion
my self control
is here to stay
call me trigger happy,its better than fat and depressed (ive been watching lotsa thinspo ,n ana documentaries they help)
all i know though
is that i want to loose weight

My uncle ;events of tonight and the past 4 years

how come
u never
came for me
wrote to me
called me
i thought you wanted me
abandoned me
betray me

i spat
at your name
the image
of everything
they said you did
but i longed
for you to take me away
from my fallen paridise
take your favorite with you
your favorite
i only found out what you did
a year ago
they kept it
trying to keep me a child
innocent
and unaffected
oblivious to my pain
for 3 years
now its been four
and i still cry

and ive finally texted you
3 monthes ago
to descover
you
didn't mean to
abandon me
leave me
hurt me
that you
still love me
wish me well
and miss me
still
why would't you take me away

you have no claim
of blood too me
sure
is it because i remind you of her
too much
is that why you couldn't look at me
but you would love me more
than your own baby (if you had one)
they tell me
and now
as i'm talking to you
through our scyber line
texting
the words
so rationally irrational
in black and white
i'm
angry
happy
sad
betray
curious
distant

and think to myself
this is what happens
when you make a mistake
that you can't take back
this is what happens
when your so far from perfect

and we plan to see eachother soon
for the first time
in over 4 years

GirlWithMyName

Edex has a new girl . I honestly wouldn't care if she didn't have my name -___-
hes such a retard.
AND i'm prettier than her (and i dnt thnk im prettier than hardly anyone). My face is for sure prettier. Of course she never went phyco on him either......
Its not that i'm into him it's that i h8 what ana did to me, she made me push him away. I guess it was for the best though,ana always knows best but i wonder what would happen if i went:'hey! remember how you always asked me why i didn't eat at lunch?well its because i didn't and i didn't eat breakfast either and i worked off dinner too! i have freaking ana and mia tendancies and no one ever noticed!

that would sure go over well-__-
its ok because my mom always taught me to share my old toys with the less fortunate when i'm done with them. I hope this girl with my name enjoys the taste of my lemonade lip gloss.

this is so trigger-licious for me i love it ,
i can always win i can be tinny and prettier and perfect
just because no one thinks i can

Lolipops,finding ground

responces
skinnygirl -yes i also wear a lot of black!!!! <3

///////////////////
  My net should be around 200-300
i had 2 lolipops (60 cal each)
1 peanut butter cup (2 avoid suspicion)
greek yogurt 140
a few sips of coconut water ,some eggpant and a couple pretzels (i pick at food so cals are unknown)
my net SHOULD be around there. I think i'm doing better already the lolipops seem to keep me full for the most part and energized (i just have to drink lots of water so i don't break out) . I'm officially addicted to water polo !!!! its AWESOME and i should be burning like crazy next week because we have a tournement but i don't want to jinx it. Especially since i'm going to a slumber party (!!). It sounds lame but i've never been to a real slumber party before. I don't know why i just never have.
Hung out with some guys i know today,its much easier than the girls,they try to hard. Me,i try to remember i don't give a shit about what they think, its so pathetic when they go around trying to be all rebellious and talk about weed and being wasted and shit. All i can say to any of them is Sweetie pull up that top NO one!wants to see that. Girls can be dumb,just like everyone else.

xoxo  i promise to catch up on all your blogs l8r

-Echo

hello my fabulous followers :)
today i got the lolli pops so that starts ASAP
water polo is going ok ,my tum feels smaller but i don't feel any faster or stronger :(

intake:
cup of orange juice
bag of glutin free pretzles
and dinner

work out :
walking EVERYWHERE
dance class
water polo practice
shaking my leg all day

ive got so much work 2 do so i'll catch u all up soon, not looking forward to tomorrow though. We scrimage with the boys (boys in speedos should be illigal ) .

I miss my old friends,everything is changing.I keep being acussed of my 'style' changing. Now that i think about it i guess my style IS change.
I smile and i play around on the outside but on the inside i'm just like this girl from my english class,silent   and deep in thought. I'm in my own world,i just wish i could stay there.

xoxo
please comment! for real fab people keep me sane !!!!
-echo

Stories from her fading songs

my family is falling apart. We all had it out the other day,we stayed up practically all night arguing and 'discusing".
When i finally went to bed i felt like shit and just cried. I hate crying,or i did. I've been crying so much that its natural now,along with constantly feeling like shit. Next day i purged for the first time in months. Today i restricted pretty good,not great. Its good if i was a 'normal' person restricting. But i know i have potencial to be so much more. under all this fat is a beautiful,talented,person.
Sometimes i feel like its my fault we're falling apart,the way i avoid being around people,the way i stress my parents out. How they worry about me,and paying for my medical bills and pills. Things would be easier if my mentality were normal. I know i'm back on my way to ana because i'm falling asleep in class again,not a good thing (the sleeping) so i sugar spike (eat a small piece of candy and water). And thats pretty much what i eat along with dinner and picking at a bit of bfast to avoid suspicion.

When i was crying in my bed,my mom came into my room. She sat at the edge of my bed and just patted me and sang old songs she did when i was little. When we were all living in a little house in this hecka ghetto neighborhood,instead of the big one in this white place. As she sang i remembered running around with my sisters and being happy with my parents. I remember playing outside as the summer days cooled and my dad cut fruit off this tree (hecka mexican thing 2 do ik). I remember eating it,and being happy. Blissfully happy with my family,with myself. I remember thinking how i wanted more for everyone in my family,i remember wanting to be a dancer and then realizing i was too fat.I remember giving up. I just kept crying.
Because the only thing i could think was that little white room,with the one window and the bunkbed. The little room that was either too hot or freezing cold, 3 of us on the 2 beds. Me sharing with the little one who slept soundly back then,in matching pj's.
I miss that
i miss THEM
i hope we can be a family again,i miss that. (shit i'm crying again)

p.s. im going to do an experiment ,lollypops and water. The sugar for energy and i take vitamins and drink lots of water,lets see if i loose weight. I'll let u know when i start it.

xoxo
-echo

all my fault ,what happenes when i try 2 eat a meal

im just as u programed me
u raised me to be strong
u raised me to hold my own
my sister
shes the flower
i'm the cage of thorns
covered in blood
she's the hero
i'm the fall guy
she's the angel the princess
i'm the devil the evil step sister
What did i do wrong now
your mean echo
your kinda a bully
ha!
i was bullied
u taught me
to take care of myself
u never minded
when i protect them
when i defend my family
why not myself?
because ur other daughter
is weak
u built her
small
and meek
she jabs
when your not there
poking at you
with razor blades that scar
well i guess we ALL know what the problem is here
Echos just a bitch

to echo from ana

ANAS BACK FAT B*TCH

p.s we're fasting u can eat again wedensday 500 cal max
until then letuse ,tomatoes and low cal drinks

love ana

insperation

i found my new insperation
it's definition is found on urban dictionary
i was given it when i was a baby
the person my parents want me to be
its apparently what some people see
i never see it
when i look in a mirror
the actual origin sounds beautiful
peaceful
just the place where you'd want to die
urban dictionaries for it
is beautiful
hot
sexy
nice
fun
bad ass
the girl everyone wants to be
its my name
the one i was given
not the one i choose
Echo
i want to be
that girl who can go into a store during the end of a sale when all the smalls are left and pick which one she wants
i'm on my road
to letting myself go
the girl everyone
is too afraid to be
but so
so far
from beautiful
the day i reach it
i'll use both names
Echo and the one that shall not be named
:)
its a deal ok?
when i achieve it
i'll finally have reached me
in the highest state
a person
can be

binge,Blushes and Workouts

yesterday was a crazy crazy binge
mostly fruit though
ugh who am i kidding its so crappy
because of this i'm limiting myself to 170 cal
i honestly am incapable of putting anything else in my mouth
like physically i CAN'T
but i don't mind
thank you Ana :)

my binge :(
fruit (x100000000000)
fat free fro yo
fried plantains w/ sour cream
cerial
1/2 cup potatoe salad
chocolate
the frosting off a cupcake

we went shopping yesterday for food ,well fruit
and then we went to a party
i feel so crappy because of all of this :(
ana just kill me

characters in my story called life (so all y'all can keep up)

Barbie-a two faced prep ive know since middle school,blonde,skinny,cheerleader the works 

M(aka MettleHead)- the dork thats always hugging me, calling me 'his' i was into him an d he wasn't no biggi. he annoys me sometimes now as much as i love him he acts like such a fake sometimes. Yes there is lots of RF(recreational flirting) happening there but its just that .

EdEx-yes theres ancient history here ,the 1st boy,that one u never totally completly get over.Knew him best at the peek of my crazy weight loss (reached about 112),went loca on him during my depression.We're cool now but he likes to make me feel bad( like I'M  the mean one?!?!)

A- my best guy from(or used to be,don't know where he stands currently) he knows about my issues with food :/ n i text him about it when i'm super stressed ,hes cool about it.

The Warden- my mother,my keeper,sometimes more like my parole officer than a mom. What can i say shes this crazy tirant that i fight with and i somehow still love? 

VV-ex best friend ,worst enemy i don't hate her,i hate what she stands for, a fake slutty b*tchy two faced girl who's always PMS-ing on everybody (crule words but used to 2 describe her by more than me). She's too cowardly to cross me but if she tries it won't be pretty. She's a trigger for me,a serious trigger and she has no clue about my eating habits she just thnks im fat and eat a lot . If only she knew she knows nothing.

D  -my talented,wonderful friend who is sadly hooked on the worst of the worlds boys,drugs and booze. She's done with the drugs and i'm proud of her,she's fun and spunky and a great girl to have fun with.

J- acts like my mom sometimes , was besties with me and VV ,she wants us to make up,i love her hopeful thinking. Shes a recovered Ana that can never know about this blog or she'll slap me silly,for her it was just being skinny for me its much more. I love her boldness,everything feeling is strong,how kind she is ,how she loves,how she h8s.everything

Outs- my soul sister! (if he was a girl). He gets made fun of for being bi and his "weird"clothes,he likes being crazy and doing and saying what he feels like just like me,whether its a pink feather extention in his hair or dressing head to toe in purple i can count on him to make me smile and support me for being me and to sing lady gaga at the top of his lungs with me. :P

Pono- actor,singer  extrodenair , always singing and thinking outside the box. Doesn't really give a shit about my girly antics or anything that won't stop him from going home and playing video games and i'm ok with that

Tree!- my best friend , she loves me and i love her back! we like the same music,shes got my back and i've got hers,i don't think i've ever gotten in a 'real fight' with her in the 3 yrs i've known her. Her home life is crazy like my brain,she says she'd switch places with me in a minute but idk if she knows what that'd really be like 

DB(dilusional boy) -the one i talk about ,hes the one that calls me beautiful and amazing and awesome and i think is pretty smart but crazy,i'm just not interested in anyone although the presistence is admirable 

ReeRee- tried to set me up with DB, way to play cupid. She's a cutie w/ a fair amount of logic. I think she's acting a bit to old for herself (yr ynger than me) and she should slow down a bit for her sake. I DO turn to her for advice in the ways of the world.

thats all i'm going to name right now. for fear of someone i know reading this (though highly unlikely). I did this mainly outta bordom and the fact that you probably have no clue about who i talk about half the time.

if jessica alba was fat and covered in pimples that's what i look like. i look like an ugly jessica alba . Shes my new thinsperation because our faces look scary similar (mines the fat ,zits,and horrid skinn. lyk her eyes n noes n our lips those things r the same size n shape n color crazy)
i want too look hot !

a spoiled week

It happened again . I got called ugly. Even if its true it never feel good being called ugly. It was by A's friend who's an idiot. Later on last night he appoligized (via facebook) said that they misquoted him when all the other guys told me. Whatever. I know im ugly and FAT FAT FAT!!!
my face is coved in all these gross gross pimples,and its so oily and greasy (i try everything ,powder , moisturizer,blotting) ,my hair is a poofy mess (i don't have time to do it in the morning (i'm just going to get into the pool after school too) what can i say?I'm hopeless.
It totally  ruined my week too . i was HAPPY. I WAS HAPPY DAMNIT !!! and now that is ruined
-________-
they also stare at me because of how i choose to dress,i tell myself i don't care because i like how i dress.
If they have an issue with tutus ,gold lips, pink tights and satin black dresses thats their problem not mine.
My intake today is a tuna melt
3cups orange juice
tea!!!!
2pieces of chocolate
and 4starbursts

sugary but it kept me going

That same guy ,the one that called me beautiful and amazing still wants to meet with me. I really don't want to. It'd be weird since i'm not interested and B ,because i know he'll just change his mind and think i'm ugly.
The -ex-crush is till grabbing me and hugging me and stuff,its no biggi cause he does it 2 3 other girls ,just me a lot. Pick one already. I don't like him anymore,still love him. Just like a brother though ,i get really annoyed. Hes just like everybody else,so superficial. He THINKS hes being different but hes just trying to set up this image of himself in everybodies brains,the only image i get is fake.

Speeking of fake i saw Barbie (thats what i'm going to call her) kissing her boyfriend goodbye when i was waiting on the steps. Oh how cute. Gagg.
How come guys fall for those fake little prisses ?!
maybe because theyre fake little priss's ?
either way preps annoy the shit outta me.

forever my fantiesy

indulge in my fantisies
i will be my own maker
my own monster
whispers
what i can do
who are they to know

war
over piddly things
selfish stupid people
who torture animals
for fun
 who are they
to judge
while their child gets fat
another starves
not by choice

who are you
to judge me
who are you
to tell me what i can do

a singel bead
a grain of sand
forever nothing
my monster whispers from behind doors
forever nothing
fear
leave a mark
a scarr
on the earth
my fantisies
will be a reality

Surrounded by the highschool undead

HIGHSCHOOL
its different
but the same
same fucking body
same stupid people
stupid posers
why can't we all just be ?
are we afraid
of being exposed
and naked
afraid of being hurt
and left alone
To:M
Don't be a tough guy
i hate that
i truly hate that
i like it when you tell me
something
intimate
and touch me softly
like i'll brake
into a million tiny pieces
smile at me
that little smile
i like it when you talk to me softly

I hate it when
you grab me
like i'm going to run
as if
to show everyone you have me
when you want me
i hate it how
you treat music
like something
something that can't save someone
it saved me
its sacred
you didn't save me
i hate it how
you need to be loud
and impress
you only need to impress yourself
that would make me happy

i hate it when you poke my fat FAT FAT(!) stomach
i like it when you press your cheek against mine
i hate it when you look at me like im crazy
i liked it when you stroked my leg,with your finger tips
and made me feel butterflies
you held my hand for a full hour
mine frozen
yours blazing
i hated how you abused
the fact that i had a crush on you
and you didn't have one back
and made me say
that i love you
darling i don't love you when you make me say this
it was just a crush
maybe if your nice,and do what i like

maybe then
for now
don't touch me
don't touch
my ipod
i won't
say i love you
till you stop acting like a fucking poser

:(

i feel so depressed and bad right now . My first binge in over  a month and it was massive . Its so gross. I got the food out of my system (laxitives) and then my mom made pancakes this moring. I ate too many . no more food today . Just laxitives. Gosh i feel like such a fat faliure . :(((((
i want to purge so bad,but i know i can't. I'm sticking 2 300 cal 2mrrw . I deserve it. I'm such a fat ass failure .

hello my lovelies ! its FRIDAY!!!! best day of the week , especially since this week was my first week of high skool ever !
its so crazy , since my day starts at 6 am in the pool swimming laps and finishes again at 6:30 doing yet more laps
I did the math and w/ dance PE and my twice a day practices im averaging 3-4 hrs of intense cardio a day
whoohoo!!!!
on the down side i pulled my calf n it still hurts .
meh , i don't know if u want 2 here about my stupid teen life . Other than the fat that i feel like i'm a thirty something stuck in a 14 year old body ,or a puzzle piece in the wrong box. I JUST DON'T FIT IN ANYWHERE. Unless im with my friend JP and PL they r pretty cool ,mostly JP though . It's easy to kick it with him ,mainly cause he makes me forget about anything sad and makes me SMILE, like big smile and laugh a lot.

My b*tchy ex best friend decided to go to the same high school. Go figures. I don't see her much. Just enough to seen that my outfits are cutter than hers. Someone should tell her mimes are silent (i like stripes but someone else needs 2 tell her it aint workin on her) .Despite evryone i know i still feel awkward and like i don't belong,like theyres some group of people that i belong to that r missing. Where are the kids that dress vintagy (REAL VINTAGE ) and fun(ny) ? and listen to music that no one else gets? and don't give a damn!o right thats just me. because everyone is  a big fat poser trying to fit in. Well ive decided i'm done ,so what if i stand out a bit ? so what if i wear a white dress to school?or a fancy sequence dress ? or a tie die skirt ?
sue me for not being a cooky cutter poser!!!

Me and some girls i know where talking and it ended up on food , i told them how much i eat and one of them called me anorexic. I felt so proud.

my menue
skip breakfast
l8r on ,eat a bit of fruit
water
more water
a piece of fruit
gatoray
more water
dinner


love u all xoxo -echo

reasons y i shouldn't purge everything i just ate

i've gone without purging since may
acid comes up
its not good 4 me
ive been eating less ,if i purge i'll binge
i'm working hard,everyones so proud about my brilliant progress (those that know )
its risky and often uncontrolable
i'm strong enough to not purge ,i'm strong enough to restrict and count acordingly and not get caught

Waterpolo started yesterday,the girls on the team aren't super skinny so i don't feel awkward other than the fact that they're older than me . I am the only freshman and the slowest,newest addition 2 my schools ladies water polo team . I hate feeling slow ,i hate how i can't keep up with them ,but i'm doing my best and im getting better everyday . They're all super nice about it. It's a killer arm work out like no joke. I looove sports so much and i think i could eventually be pretty good at this one . 

There where some inqueries on how i make my smoothies ,the trick is FROZEN FRUIT ,it makes the consistency like ice cream and it actually gts rid of some of those bad binge cravings . It makes u eat super healthy and you can sneack spinache in there (i can't even taste it but it turns the color different),it also keeps u full longer.

i  usually do 

a banana 

frozen strawberries

acia berry superfood juice

nectarien 

*spinache or green superfood powder (if i have it) 

and that lasts 4 2 meals ,obviously i kinda high natural sugar content but no fat no carbs which i think is a pretty sweet deal .

Other random news will b l8er stay pretty huns !

everyday holds the potencial for beauty ,good luck ladies we can do this

Babies ,Boys, and Menu's

To start off let me just stop myself from appoligizing for rambling ,it's my blog right? :P (haha,yea ok i'm just a lil bit crazy) . All news continues , my cousin had her baby . The actual baby is darling ,you can already tell she's gonna be totally gorgeous (poor daddy) . My poor cousin on the other had ,looks tired and then there's the baby weight. My aunt swears our whole family is cursed,we can be 'skinny' and then one of us gets knocked up we turn into massive balloons .Personally i can't see myself ballooning much more i'd probably explode or something .I'll put that on the list of Cons for Echos List Of reasons 2/OR Not2 Have A Baby Eventually ,but first things first ......i need a shorter name for that list. It's simply TOO LONG. Like ,seriously.
Next on my fabulous list Boys . Um, basically just texting my best guy . What can i say ?hes a sweetheart ,i'm pretty sure he has a girl living inside of him though .He likes major chisme(gossip) ,it'll be the death of him i'm sure of it .
That would be all in this fabulous section(sarcasim )if i had NOT opened my facebook this morning .
Then i wouldn't have found the message from my other guy friend (obviously the vast majority of my friends are guys ,lets call him J) who happenes to have been friends w/  X (best friends,yikes)
that saaaaaid that he thinks that i'm beautiful and amazing and if i'd consider going out w/ him. BEAUTIFUL ??????? boys gotta be blind !!!!!! If i asked one of my other friends in my life they'd probably say go for it since we both:
are pretty weird
have obscure music taste
are smart
get along
and enjoy intellectually stimulating conversations
     But the fact of the matter is i just don't want to ,because i just want to be on my own right know . I probably could really like him if i let myself,but this is the second time J has asked me and the second time i'd have to turn him down this summer . I really hate doing that -____- even for me its mean ,whether you can help it or not rejecting someone is never pretty. Good thing i'm an expert. I don't want anyone to get the wrong idea and think i;m a total slut or anything or that i have like boys foaming outta my ears  ,they're just much easier to talk to than girls and this just seems to happen with ones (the WRONG ONES!) that i get into deep discussions with. Just to paint the picture ive ever only kissed one guy and not even KISS kissed him (sorry for the mental image of me liplocking ,im not into PDA).


Everones favorite section FOOD!!!!! (more sarcasim)
Mine hasn't been great ,especially with The Warden watching me so much,i go in for further tests l8er on  this month . woopee. yahoo. yaya -________-
My new menu will be greek yogurt w/ fruit (under 300) lots of water and tea and then a few stratigec bites of anything else (so The Warden will see) ,then once schools starts (monday yikes!!!)
a smoothie that i'll split for breakfast and when i come home (they're filling and i make them myself)
pack a lunch ,any lunch and then chuck it in the trash
WATER!!!
and a few bites at dinner
all of this with 2-2 1/12 hr training practices twice a day (water polo)
  If i get hungry at lunch i'll grab like ,half a pickle or a packet of hot sause (those actually work)
i need something that will keep my energised ,not coffee . I'm not allowed to drink coffee and i not allowed to drink soda w/ cafeen . Even if i wasn't ew,soda w/ cals . I'm a major health nut even the zero cal cokes freak me out .
wow sorry for the long post
bye my lovlies !!!xoxo
-echo

sorry ive been gone ,anas baaaack

i get so parinoid sometimes that someone i know will find this and think i'm crazy,trust me being a teenager soooo not an easy job. Especially when The Warden is parinoid like you wouldn't believe.

i feel so weak ,i'm eating . but i really have no choice,the warden doesn't say anything but she watches. And i look back at myself from the begining of the summer and i'm not as terrified as i was then. of food.
But my pants don't fit.
My big pants barley fit .
Someone -crazy- anyone else -more crazy- would call this all progress . That i don't flip at the sight of food ,that i don't tremble when i hold a fork . I'm eating CHEESE . CHEESE for crying out loud!!!!!!
this is so scary and i don't want to loose !!!
i feel like i'm part of a giant game and i'm always the fall guy ,im the looser!!!!!
Which is why i'm picking myself up. School starts in a week . No one can watch me . NO ONE. and everything is all me . Its my life ,its my body . I just want to dissapear. You know i thought about running away ,running far away . I don't know where i'd go ,i mean everyone always runs away to california i should be living a dream right? wrong. dead freaking wrong. its not that my actual life is this giant pit of misery ,im sure to anyone else it looks fine just fine .but i'm not normal i don't know its like i'm comletly unique from anyone else . Kill myself . now that would be fun .something quick and strange i don't care if people say that ana and mias are killing ourselves . some of us know that ,all we are is the undead,that little contradiction no food =death right? how many of u have gone days without it? many . and yet u all live . i'm just another little girl hiding in a big girls body that wants to be set free.

a weeks summary ,because i was bored and eeritated

rough day 2day ,everythings a little crazy with school so soon and everything. A girl whos in this church group with me and my sisters said a really nasty comment ,normaly i woulda slugged her or told her off straigh off the bat but it was about my Aunt . The aunt that lives with us,the aunt i always say that i can't stand 80% of the time ,the aunt that actually gets me ,the aunt that deep down i totally love.i swear i still wanna kick her ass. but im not allowed to kick ass in the house of god.
Earlier today i saw all the freshman class. yipee.woohoo. i. am.so.excited -______-
its not that im not ,truly im excited to be there (and not home surrounded by food) all day but theres this other girl (x bff ,if u read my earlier blog posts u noe what shes like) i cant stand her. just can't. i want to tell her off to ,i actually kinda did (in a classy not cussing way) but like a wuss she bolted . sissy. if u can dish dirt behind my back don't mind me telling you whats what to your face. idk but i still want to prove that im not a 'talentless fatass' even if the fatass part is true . so my freshman year goal is to loose 30lb and keep it off.
As for the boy shes friends with him and waaaay to many face book tags tell me that shes trying to dig her b*tchy little claws into him (he used to be into her) that makes me want to cheerfully squeeze her like a bug. :D <----that would b me,riiiiight there. Seriously what kind of person uses 'Totes' ?TOTES . The same one that uses toodles and tries to reanact the pretty commitie from the clique books into her real f'n life. (acording to her,i'd be dylan,notice its the 1 w/ a weight prob) . I hate this. when do they realize that you are the 1 that is totally good for them ?!?! I am damn it!
He's also sending mixed signals ,we skype and IM  a lot and stuff and i really don't like that he still totally flirts when he knows that i'm majorly crushing on him (not that i mind the actual flirting most of the time) .o well i'll end up the 30 yr old single chick thts way 2 into music ,i just noe it.


Dr's are doing a test friday ,checking out the organs and seeing if they even work. i really hate it cause when they don't work right they mess everything else up like my skin and my nails (flimsy nails and really gross acne that is JUST NOT NORMAL!!!) . I went shopping with my mom . I hate it when she yells YOU NEED A LARGE or something along those lines . Its so imbarrising . ok i get it . you have a fat daughter lets go now. I jsut hate it mostly because i know what its like when shes proud of my size , when i was slim and stylish . I'm her barbie doll ,what ever she'd wear she usually buys for me ,but she was skinny so i know deep down,even when she says that my size is fine she knows its not small or pretty. Shes my MOM for crying out loud she lied to me about being overweight practically my whole childhood! and i believed her . I  have to remember not to believe her , i'm done being the fat girl.

Sorry for the long post and for babbling so much ,guess it comes with being a teanager XP
XOXO besO's to you all!!!!let you know how it all goes w/ dr.useless
stay skinny!!

Falling off the face of the earth

Sp that can be my excuse 4 not blogging . sorry about that . A couple weeks ago before i sorta stopped my habit of blogging i went to the dr. my mom told her about the purging . Ugh they make it sound so shameful . She says it could be one of the reasons my orgns aren't working so hot ,the solution.....more meds. Yep you got it! their answer to freak'n everything!
Good news is that i am allowed to be on a liquid diet . so my strick liquid-ness starts today :P
Even better ,ive been draging my mom and sisters to the gym with me and they're all starting to like it a lot !! which me we all almost have something in common! and it gets better ,everyone doesn't feel like eating crap . I'm serious chips ,chocolate,icecream she's not buying it!!!! Now keep in mind that i was quite worried about my mother ,she was on the verge to diabeties and she was super skinny before she was married so i think this is even making all of us happier and get along (that and they're alll tired after we go) . Bad news is the the binges . I hate whining to you all but i truly can't stand myself . School starts in 15 days and i feel like a failure. Orientation is in2 days!!!!!!!!!!! and i look like a big fat load of crap! if this year is going to be some shitty repeat of the last year and a half god take me now! GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR i wish i was strong like all of you .
xoxoxo

get better

ana: you are weak pushing me this far down . WEAK DAMN IT! they can never truly give you what you want....because im what you want . I'm your friend Echo .
Echo . EEECHO . thats all they will ever hear ..but they wont listen . they wont even see .unless you stay wit me ,then they can see you . a beautiful master piece
Me:they're trying to help me...
ana:help you ?! please!!! food getting stuck inside you! you look pregnate ! thats not a result of me ,that is a result of your weakness! WEAK WORTHLESS LITTLE SHIT!
me:  :(
ana:but i know your unhappy ,i know your just trying to be skinny .you can be if you let yourself . just let go and you'll be light and fly .
me:im trying
ana:everything gets stuck in you ,your skin is stretching with every forced meal! take action! and you can have what you want , defiance

wearing my wings ,even if it means falling

i watched my own feet
hit the floor
with each step
apart of the song
like
my body remembered
exactly what to do
not exactly 
because there was something different
slower
more careful,graceful
it remembered the steps from the lifetime
where my body was lean and muscular
not skinny
but lean
and strong
and fast
it remembered
and i remembered
how much
i'm in love
with dancing
only
im a bad dancer
just a few contemperary courses here and there
when we could afford it
my mexican dance training
for three years
im 14
the age of a prime dancer
pointe
should be mastered
flexibility and tecnique
vital
apparently
i have 'swag' ?
the life
in my movments
is there
my free style pretty
 i've stopped dancing
for to long
i'm home
i'm ready to work
and i will wear my wings
again
soon
not yet
but soon
because
i know
that this is what i need
to be happy
i need to dance .

2 leftover empanathas
bagel w/ creamcheese/peanutbutter
roughly 800 cal 2day
that will be it

more rants

i was doing so well today !
but then i went downstairs and ate
3 slices of glutin free bread w/ butter
cream chees frosting
left over kinoa and seaweed salad
and two small potatoes w/ butter
and now my stomach hurts and all i want to do is cry very hard
because i am weak and i am stupid . Gosh i descust myself so much
FAT

FAT 

STUPID 

STUPID 

FAT 

FAT

FAT

No one likes a fat person 

not truly 

so i shouldn't stay fat

fat 

fat FATTASSS

FAT FAT 

UGLY 

WORTHLESS

im dying ,i havent weighed myself but i know its not good 

this means punishment 

obviously 

i need to go to the gym 

thats the only thing that will make me feel better

3 hours at the gym will make me feel so much better

but i have to clean my stupid house 

so i can't go 

:( fudge 

i hate this

back in the game

im back and im super de dupper fat . its so gross . IM SO GROSS and FAT ! i need to loose weight ,and fast !!!!! school starts in august and i don't want to be one of the fat girls at the beggining of my high school experience .ew..... does anyone know how to loose weight fast?

back at last

im home!!!!!!
i was at camp all week and i missed everything so much and yet i didn't want to leave! Camp really truley makes me a happier person . I think im going to do much better . Even physically because the elevation is brultal and so i'll hopeflly be a stronger runner and swimmer.
its just so nice to be home. i really have to clean up thoigh:/ i trashed my room before i left so its pretty gross. AHHHH im just so HAPPY!! its freakish . i can't wait to catch up on all your blogs i missed them . and if anyone tried to text me so so SO sorry ,my phone died (and no service in the mountains either)
xoxoxo
-echo

BroKen WinGs

I stand
ready to dance
like i used to
everyday
for hours at a time
but i can't
i feel worthless
and ugly
like i'm incapable
of stepping
my wings are failing
i can't
i'm not
good enough
graceful enough
i'm nothing to look at
so what if i know the steps in my sleep?
i could dance
but i can't
i just really really can't
i'm afraid of it
of failing
again
dancing
just the thought
of it
makes me
want to cry
so my butterfly wings
sit in my closet
my pretty skirts
made of heavy material
that i make look light
with the shinny ribbons
sit
waiting
watching me
they look
sad
and broken
they match my insides
its been months
and i can't
i can't
i can't find the steps inside
my shattered being
to lift up my wings
and try to fly
for the fear of falling forward
like every time
before

Love is in the air... and it smells like shit!

i had to go to a wedding yesterday
and today i see all these fuking anaversry statuses on facebook
lots of couple pics to
screw love it sux
it favors the pretty people in the world and i think we all know it
o well this stuff sux major
im not in a bad mood or anything (sarcasm)
ugh imma go take a nap

FML

i can now say officially that i hate camping -___-
real camping anyways with tents and dirt and bugs (mostly the bugs are what sucked i have twelve bites on my face ,and thats just my face!)

I leave offically 4 camp (cabins ,chef,and bathrooms yesssss) tomorrow . I'm hoping to avoid drama but i doubt that will happen .
Oh i told the guy that i liked him , like i knew he still likes his ex girl . go figure. whatever i already knew it . Not that it didn't help much . I wonder if anything would have been different if i was actually pretty .Probably . Because thats how life works . I found an old pic of me on facebook . I wonder who posted it . Its from my hardcore days (2hr cardio and no lunch or breakfast days) . I'm smiling and my hair is really long like it is now (i cut it a while back but it grew ) i'm dressed completly in black and in layers and my arms look really thin so does my waste . i could still have droped some it wouldnt have hurt .

It'll be easy to get away with everything at camp . overall my weekend is completly dissapointing but watever.

starlight

something took me over
but no ones come to save me
so i nurture her
i'm not sure
what i'm waiting for
some sort of enlightenment
to be bestowed appon me
its like having a little star
watching you
circling the night sky
while you wait for day to come
but it never comes
and all you have is
the little silvery star
because there is no moon
so the starlight gueids me
onward
with its warm fragile glow
and i'm not alone
but still,there is no moon
to comfort me with its knowing presense
all i have is a little star in the palm of my hand
floating,threatening to carry me way

another voice another pep talk

i'M hungry 
NO . you're not
yes ,yes i am 
if you keep eating like this i can't stay with you ,you know that
....i know ,sorry 
Thats ok now give that crap back to this world
*purges*
good
I'm sorry 
its ok :) just remember that your special Echo
i am? 
sure , i can make you special ,after all i made you the girl with everything a year ago
i know ,i miss that sometimes 
hmm i know you do , but you outgrew it you can be SO much BETTER.This time we'll do better
We can . bUT Im HUNGRY .
you know SHE eats right ? the one who thinks we can't do it? we can do it ,don't prove her right!
...are you still hungry?
....not really.... the pain...it feels almost,beautiful 
it is beautiful ,just like you will be when we're done
when will we be done?
we :)
We :)
we will be done ,when i say ,when we reach our goal . Its up to you on how close you're willing to stay 2 me
i'm willing Anabell ,i'm willing 
Good girl ,now follow me

Wow i haven't been on in a while and i'm catching up on reading all of your blogs ,sadly i will be leaving for camp for a whole week (next week) so i won't be able 2 keep up with this blog (super sad face) .
The good part about camp is that my mom can't monitor me the bad (which is pretty bad) is that she's sending food w/ me that i apparently have to eat (its speciall because im alergic 2 glutin and won't eat meat a hard combo) .
When my friend came over and we ate dinner the Warden watched me finish everything on my plate its so creepy. I hate it . if i don't want to eat then i wont . I'm liquid fasting today .
I've been eating soo so so much .

I'll pdate when i actually have something interesting 2 say
xoxoxo
-Echo

a midday meal

grow
my stomaches empty
teasing me
there isn't anything with low enough calories
cerial
Crunch
munch
CrUnCh 
uh-oh
forgive me
please
purge 
purge 
purge
Gone again
but your punishment isn't over
all that eat must be punished

thinking about what is or would be to come

I went to the doctor yesterday and my mom told him about my purging . Shit.
She thinks i don't do that anymore and i don't......as much .
Blah blah blah its gonna kill you blah blah blah no matter what he said it was going to do to me i didn't care . 141 pounds . I'm gaining weight thats a whole 9 lb since summer started and its so flipping noticable. Now i apparently have to have some sort of 'counsoling' . Bull-shit.
J contiues to think everything is all hunky dori XP
someone shoot me .
We' are going back for my dress 2morrow apparently i can make it to the wedding (? ) don't knnow how that happened. I've been keeping up with my pro ana buddy and its nice to have some1 to talk to that understand it . Everything is so hard...but i guess thats life.
Sometimes i still want to shout that i'm not ok . That i hate myself. That i dream of looking and feeling different for myself.
A knows about what i do . I text him when i'm afraid and he makes me laugh n destracts me (he's one of my best friends that had feelings for me in case you didn't know ,that kinda thing happens quite a bit 2 me) . We have a game ;i call it questions . We just ask questions all night till he has to leave or i fall asleep. But he asks about him  a lot , that would be ok but sometimes the little scars on my heart still sting a bit . He refers to ;the one that got away. We're cool but i wonder what he'd say if he knew what i do. That i write on myself words and starve and binge and purge and exercise till the floor is a blur . I wonder if that would change anything if he knew what i meant when i told him i was 'sick' . It doesn't matter because i'm numb . I don't see that i see that other guy (who btw i AM going to talk to!). Ugh therapy ,cousoling is just a nice way of saying therapy therapy is just a nice way of saying you have a problem and saying you have a problem is just like your addmitting your weak or crazy.

I don't have a problem i am fine and one day i will be beautiful.
-E

comments 4 comments

SkinnyGirl:
thank you for relating :) My EDONS (which has btw has not xsactly been diagnosed) is going interesiting. :/
I would love to have a competition!! i'm extremely competitive so yes ! lets see how it goes! thanks for reading xoxo
Princess Perfection : Yea i like the guy (*blushes*) and your probably right about him not knowing since he and i are close and all.  i love all your comments and addvice,truly you guys keep me sane! xoxox

Hilly.M : LoL it had a very large impact despite the spelling error :D  thanks for saying that and yeah,i've been silent around them too but slow baby steps (its shouldn't be hard! I hang out w/ mostly guys!!) . Thanks for believing in me , Love u!! <3 oxoxo

Bigger size thats gotta change. Hi i might love you .Recovery *wink wink*

today we went and tried on dresses for my cosins wedding. I won't be attending,i will be hiking up at girls camp. Still,i tried on dresses. Fore the fun of it . Dress sizes where i shop run smaller than pant , (my size 0-1 sister was an 9ish) . I used to be an 8,sigh. I worn an 11-12. The dresses where gorgeous in their own right but when i saw me in them all i saw , was every bump on my skin. Every piece of hair sticking up,every roll of fat,everything was wrong. Wrong enough that i wanted to give up. The sad part is that for a minute i actually felt well,almost beautiful in some of those dresses.
I wish that i could honestly feel beautiful and worthy and wonderful but i know that i can't.

I talked to J today,for those of you who know she's a friend.She acts like my mother and she had an E.D. but shes 'recovered' and the poster child of 'i had a problem and i conquered it now im healthy' bullshit.
I promised her i'd recover, and since my mom ended work this week i don't have much of a choice . I am constantly monotored. Instead of therapy i do yoga (an agreement between my mother and i) and ive been eating MORE THAN ENOUGH. So i didn't completely have to lie to her'i told her i would 'get better' truth is once i have school year freedom again i will be back to my ways X1000
I want to diet NOW though but i know i have to sell it . I have to eat :/ so my scrip to J 'i have a problem,i'm getting help and i'm willing to recover' i know i shouldn't lie but i have to and it's MY BODY not hers .She can't really talk because she's got a flat flat flat belly and an ass and boobs that would make Barbie proud to shout to the heavens and say Kelly grew up just fine.
Some of you commented on my last post (sigh,blush) yeah i like him and all but...i'm as scared as heck for real. Like ,i don't even know what i'd say 'oh by the way ,i kinda have a massive crush on you do u have feeling for me to?' LAME ! lame lamelamelamelame! GRRRRRR boys are soooo confusing . I kinda just want to get it over with and say something . I'm known for being very direct (like y'all haven't noticed i kinda have a mouth on me) but when it comes to boys i run. Once even literally . And hid. For two weeks because i liked a guy and he liked me back. So obviously i suck when it comes to speaking guy. I mean what the hell are you supposed to say when he holds u smack dab up against him?! or are you supposed to make out? ....... It's official i'm a failure as a girl.

xoxo
-E

A letter i would never send in a million years if the world depended on it

baby how do i say this ? i have feelings for you . Just like u said i would ,even if you were only kidding . Hun i love how you hold me and how your so warm against myself. I am always cold.
I wish everyones assumption about us being 'A Thing' was true, because you make me laugh and you respect me but you don't treat me like i'm made of glass. Baby you can get just as angry as me,even if its hurt not real anger and even though i don't know what to say,i do my best to make everything better. I get angry that someone made you sad.You held me n treated me like a girl even im my baggy,stained sweatshirt and jeans,hair up,face gross,fat as ever. You held me when i cried in my dress,looking my best.
But there is still her and still him. After all we're the same. Chasing the one's that got away.Stuborn as ever. If i believe in love i won't addmit it. I'm not good enough i know that but i like the way you make me feel,i hope you feel the same -echo

Reasons

I will not eat
Bread -because i am allergic
Glutin free bread -because it makes me fat ,it has carbs ,it has more cals than regular bread,i cannot purge it
Ice cream-because it makes me sick and i'm alergic
Cheese-it gives me zits and makes me fat
Chocolate -makes me fat and give zits
I will not eat . I will not i will not i am strong
i don't want to be like this
i have controll
i am strong
It's my body and my choice
I have to live in it
they cannot threaten me
nothing tastes as good as skinny feels

Ok ,i know i'm supposed to be getting dressed and that shouldn't be that hard since i have a closet exploding to the brim with clothes but it is. Getting dressed 4 me isn't JUST about clothes ,every piece makes a statment. That and i'm trying to find something that fits right today and won't make me look fat. It's a hard combo,truly an art . If i ever get to meet the little fat fairy i'm  going to knock him outta his shoes and shank him 1 . I swear. Its sux being fat and having good taste (i'm not trying to be self absorbed). ugh . whatever i'm cooking anyways so i don't have to dress up yet . I'm screwed anyways . My mom ends work soon so she'll be around to monitor my intake,yaya (sarcasim in case u didn't catch that) . So i have to eat plenty today to convince her i'm ok . Whatever.

So i'd just like to say first (even though its pretty lame and everyone does this) that i now have 15 followers !! Clap clap! and i love every one of u . seriously i'm not just saying that ,its cool to know people actually read this (and are even in the same city as me!) so thank you ,you are appreciated more than you know.

I'm thinking a lot . Probably more than I should. I'm trying to remember a time when i didn't care how i looked. Honestly i can't really think of one,i mean i cut a hunk out of my eyebrows in the first grade because i thought they were to big and ugly! So this has probably been going on for a while. It's weird though there was a time when i was fat(er) and happy (?) maybe.
Sigh ,the rents make me eat :/ they do and its gross because i don't want their food. I DON'T i don't want it in me . I just really really don't . I'm getting hungry but that doesn't mean i'm going to eat. NO.
I've eaten way to much today ,really i have. I'm grossing myself out and it's making me crazy!
And yet sometimes i want it all to be over and i want to recover and be normal.
Maybe i should take therapy .
My mom might make me anyways (if she hasn't forgotten about me) .
I just want to loose a bit of weight though .
Just 40 pounds or so that leave me at about 99lb which sounds good .
I look yoga today ,i love yoga it really calms me and relaxes me (and it's a good workout 2).
Sometimes i wonder if i'm not looking for skinny,maybe i'm just looking for someone to love me and understand me and not let me go ,like everyone else has .

Just another girl

I'm just another girl
dying to be thin
dying to whisper
that something isn't alright
dying
and isn't afraid
I'm just another girl
I question beauty
And yet i want it
Oh god i want it
But in the end i'm just another girl
waiting,wanting dreaming

Same old story

i want to be small, so small that you'll have to hold on tight so i won't slip through you're fingers
i want to be thin ,so thin that you'll worry i'll float away .
She is screaming again .
Its  terrifying ,she won't leave the house. What kind of 11 year old wouldn't want to go to the pool on a hot day?
She's throwing a fit like she's a five year old....shit.

Cabrona
all she does is YELL
i heard the lap , she's chewing my older sister out.

she can fight her own battles!

no!!! i have to here u yell at her! when you scream like this

it scares the SHIT OUTTA ME!


of course she leaves

i cry

and my older sister hugs me

strangly enough i let myself cry

and she turns my cries into laughter

just like ,every time

they'll be an exchange of appologies in ten minutes


i'm sorry ;
i know that....
you where right...
blah blah blah

sure your forgiven

but its never forgotten

and i never look at you the same

Wardens Bullshit &midnight tears

Why do i even bother ? My mom hates me . Well thats exagerating a bit she thinks she loves me but she never has taken the time to KNOW ME. She only sees the parts she wants and anything she doesn't like she tries to edit out . She hates theater ,she hates my music she hates dancing as a career she pretty much hates everything that makes me feel happy. She only likes the facts that i wear what she want most of the time that i can do almost anything (decently) ,wow i pretty much try to please her. She says she likes my art but in the end she ends up being all "Oh thats really nice Ech,but this is how I  would do it if I where you "
Bullshit. Too ask a 14 year old what they're going to do with their life ..thats to much!!!!!!!! i don't even know what i want!
She's so afraid of everything and she wants me to be afraid to ,i think she hates me sometimes because i'm not afraid and i want to be out in the world,i'm not afraid to mess up all the time,i'm learning its ok to fall and get back up . Bullshit ,she doesn't care . She won't even listen

i GAINED six pounds . What is wrong with me ?!
My mom got me a refill of  my meds and after i took them i was HU-GRY like ravinous . And i felt sick ,and strange . I think her and the Dr.have been slipping me hunger meds . Sneeky leachy Dr.
well i refuse to take them now. I will be fine i just have to stay strong . i think i can do it i just need to be strong and work hard . Current weight 139 goal (for now) 125,120 end of the summer goal 110 wish me luck , i start a new diet monday as i will be fasting tommorow xoxox on my way 2 wings

Rants & midday ramblings

Why is life so confusing!!!!!
i hate it ugh!!! i wish i could shut my brain off , i've been eating like a 'normal' person. I DON'T WANT TO BE LIKE THEM!!!!!!!AHHHHHHHHHH
its scaring me .
You know whats sad ? i look at people thinner than me and i still think that they're fat!
This is driving me crazy i want to give up on everything . But something says i don't
No most of me does. Grrrrrrrrrr
I really am hating myself .
THings i hate: my fat arms
my fat thighes
my FAT stomach
the gross back fat that recovery gave me
How big my butt is getting
how i just AM!
its so sickening
i also feel like i'm under house arrest
I wish i could go to bording school ,that would be great,truly .
I truly hate everything and see no point of going on .
I want to die ,i've said it out loud in front of J and another friend ,the 2nd friend just sort of stared at me funny. I didn't give a fuck then or now . Screw this ,mmhm my stomache hurts :/

One jacked up fairy-tale with no ending

Once  upon a time there was a girl,who was fat and had no friends serving a sentance which had come to an end and she would start new in a different school. During the 1st year she made best friends 3 girls and she began to shrink,and shrink and meet people. The second year many people new her and her friends she was still shrinking and very happy,they were the "it's". They had everything and anything they wanted they were the princesses.But her closest friend was convinced that the girl needed more,she needed love and when she heard that the girl was falling for a friend of hers she went to work. The boy happened to like her too and so the friend made sure that the two girls 'ran into' him often till they were together. And everyone was happy and thought they where perfect,as the girl continued to shrink she gave him her heart,he was perfect so much more perfect than her 'shrink,shrink,shrink' continued the voices till she vomited. One day so much that she was sick for two days and in those two days gained 20lb . She was depressed but she still had him and her friends,she left the house as little as possible. When summer hit the boy asked again and again 2 meet w/ her but she always told him an excuse,truly she was terrified of her appearance till he wouldn't wait anymore. She was alone.
Spring  came again and she began searching for herself after acting like something else for so long. She was still apart of the 'It's' but it didn't feel right. She could not live in a shadow of her friend so moved on alone and spent less and less time around 'IT's".
Weighing less than when she was sick (but still fat), having new and keeping some old friends,and remaining friends with the boy that stole and shattered her heart only a year ago she looks on for herself and her journey to shrink into bones continues.
But she is no longer a princess
she is me.